Dating, Alcohol, Sex, and the not so Average Widow.

I mentioned before, about how a majority of men are either scared to date a widow, or they are all about it. I talked about how they are scared, because a widow will be attached too quickly, because she is used to being married. And I talked about the ideas that a lot of men have, about widows and being horny, or “thirsty” is the term I’ve heard.

For me, I dated a bit, because I wanted to have fun. I am still young. I am still a sexually functioning human, and I do quite enjoy having sex. However, I am not “thirsty”. I can live without it, for a while. Sex isn’t a necessary thing.

Now, I know, I may turn some heads, or upset people, or I may have people say things along the lines of “OMG! Yes, girl!” With this blog. I have to make it known.

I went into the dating scene, with my head on, a little askew. I was fine with that, though. I wasn’t looking for a replacement for my husband (I never will), I wasn’t looking a boyfriend, (so much work involved with that), and I wasn’t trying to keep any one guy for very long. I wasn’t interested in “catching feelings”, so the way to avoid that, was to not sleeping with the same guy for a long time.

Now, I had a “young one”, who was good at keeping things separate, for sure. He was around for about 7 months. Then, one day, my feelings were hurt, when he paid no attention to me. *GASP* right? I had to remove that situation from my life.

I met another man. A very sweet, very dorky man. I liked him. A lot. He, quite literally, was the opposite of everything I look for, physically, in a man. We met at a race. We all met up after a race, at a brewery, and had a few drinks. I had 2 and needed to sit a little while longer, before driving home. Everyone left, except him. He said he would stay with me, so I could drink my water and get home safely.

I should have never started anything with him. I knew it would be a bad idea. It was fun, while it lasted, though.

I honestly remember laying in bed with him, with my head on his chest, thinking, “I should call it off, right now. RIGHT NOW!”

I didn’t listen to my inner voice. Sometimes, I am not very bright. That’s okay, though.

One night, we were texting (because that’s the only way anyone every communicates these days), and he told me that he met a couple online, and they wanted to meet him… And he was seriously thinking about doing it.

I was hurt. I couldn’t understand why, if a person tells you that you’re great, fantastic, perfect, love spending time with you, etc, someone would continue looking elsewhere for sex. I still don’t understand that. After I told him he could go to them, or he could continue with me, but he couldn’t have both, he swore I was enough, and he’d rather just chill with me anyway.  We hung out, one more time, and I knew were weren’t going to continue the benefits part of our friendship. He was weird, like I trapped him or guilted him into hanging out with me. (how I felt he behaved) He didn’t answer his texts like he normally did, and when he would answer, they were 1-4 word responses (not normal for him). I called it off. I said no more and told him to go live his life, and not to let me hold him back. (there’s more to this story, but it’s getting too long). So, I chose to end the benefits part of that friendship, before he did something stupid, and we are still friends.

I felt a bit unworthy after that happened, simply because I was made to feel like I wasn’t enough for someone. I really started to feel down about it. Like, I even cried a couple times. Ugh. I hate admitting that.

So, the point to the very long story was this. I came to a realization. I realized I have a part of me back, that I didn’t think would come back. I didn’t think I would ever want to be in a relationship again. Not after losing Mitch. Not after having my heart shattered into millions upon millions of pieces, with his death.

But I do. One day, I do. Coming into this realization, I decided to stop seeing people, at all. I deleted the dating apps from my phone and  I am not pushing the dating scene. I am just focusing on my health and my family, and my career.

Sex is great, but sex with someone who cares so very deeply for you, and wants to be with you, regularly (and the feeling is mutual) is so much more satisfying.

I know, I put alcohol in the title. I had gotten to a point where I was drinking every weekend, and sometimes during the week. Not because I felt like I needed to be drunk or anything, but just because I had someone to drink with. It had become so frequent, though. I felt like it was a bit much.

I quit drinking so regularly. My last alcoholic beverage was at midnight New Year’s eve/New year’s celebratory champagne. I may have a couple at bigger events, like our big KCOCR season kickoff party next weekend. But, I’ll only have one because I found spiked sparkling water! (low sugar, low carbs, low everything!) Since I am focusing more on my health and ocr training, alcohol isn’t a thing I feel like I need. It hinders the ability to become a better athlete, so, as little as possible is best.

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This Widow’s Life

 

I’ve been MIA for a couple of weeks. It’s been a busy, non-sleeping couple of weeks. Texts in the middle of the night, drive to Georgia, and back, kind of craziness. Megan graduated from Elementary school, and will be a middle school kid! And, this weekend, I am driving almost to St. Louis to run, yet another race, then I’m driving straight home, right after.

My mind has been tossed from one place to the next, and I haven’t sat down to actually contemplate how close it is to what would have been Mitch and my 14 year wedding  anniversary. I took this weekend as a “no-call” weekend, so that we could go out, and do things, like dinner, a movie, and S-E-X! Whaaaaat? There will be no sex for me this weekend. =P (that’s fine, too)

How does dating work, anyway? As a widow, do I date someone I know, or do I go with a stranger who doesn’t know my situation? Is there even anyone who doesn’t know my situation? This may come as a shock, to most of you, but, I’ve tried to dip my toes in, and I am fucking clueless! One guy was a stranger, and learned very quickly of my situation, because of my very public facebook page, and blog, and the other is someone who has been around for a very long time. like 10+ years (as a friend of a friend).  I know I don’t want a relationship, because, dear sweet baby jesus, that would be a ticking time bomb, right now. At least that’s what I’ve read, in multiple places, plus, I am not ready for relationship status. I am not ready to say “Hey Megan, I have a boyfriend.” So, I don’t want one. But, I am young. Between the two I was talking to, they were extreme opposites, prude/freak, and it’s already over. I was told I am an overthinker. So, there’s that! Tell me something I DON’T know. 😉 I have too much going on, these days, to worry about dating, anyway.  I just have wants.  Wants that are low on a list of things I want for myself. I allowed the possibility to cloud my priorities, if I am being completely honest. For shame! Thank the gods for honesty.

And, for anyone who is wondering how I am “moving on” it’s not like that. I know, in my heart of hearts, that no man will EVER live up to Mitchell John, and I have accepted that. Now, if someone comes out, and surprises me, so be it, but, I don’t see that happening. I am not moving on. Mitch will forever be in my heart, and on my mind, no matter the situation, or place in my life.

Give me a minute while I screw my head back on, straighten my spine, and reset my priorities. Back to my family and friends. It was fun while it almost lasted? I have no idea.

P.S.  #NoJudgingZone Also, I am not spell checking, or grammar checking this blog. I need to go to work!