5 Months Without Mitch.

While Mitch was alive, I was always worried that I would die before him. I was afraid that I would die, and leave him a single father, caring for our daughter. I was afraid he was cursed, you know. I didn’t want to die and leave him a widower. That wouldn’t be fair. He lost his mom, when he was very young. He grew up, pretty rough. 

That day, when I drove out to FedEx, exactly 5 months ago, and the officer dragged me into an office, and told me he was found, unresponsive, I was broken. I was broken, but, I was also relieved that I didn’t die, and leave HIM broken. 

I can’t say that he would be doing better or worse, right now, in this position. I CAN say, that I am so glad he doesn’t have to be the one going through this. That would not have been fair for him, at all. And, yes, I know that life isn’t fair. 

Someone posted this photo, on Facebook, and they said “thoughts?” 

I responded with this: 

“I’ve been widowed for almost 5 months. I am breathing, standing, walking, climbing, running, sprinting, hurdling, etc. it sucks so so so bad! But here’s my reasoning: My husband was the kind of man who made the BEST of EVERY situation. It didn’t matter what the situation was, he looked at the silver lining. He found the good that came from every bad thing. He taught me to do the same. With my husband’s death, at the young age of 34, of natural causes (heart failure), many many family and friends flocked to their doctor, to have their hearts checked. Some found they were healthy as could be, others found they needed further checking, because their white blood count was off, or their whatever was bad. It’s been a hell of a ride this last 4.95 months, and I am heart-broken, but I have a 12 year old daughter who NEEDS me! My husband has passed on, so he no longer NEEDS me. He would NOT have wanted me to screw up my and our daughter’s lives, because I am sad, or heartbroken, or have depressed days. He would have said “look, Tabbie, my death saved my dad’s life!” Because it DID! So, I will sprint, and breathe, and walk, dance and stand. Some days I may wobble, or fall, but I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I hate this, but I will SURVIVE! We all will.”
I feel like people believe I make widowhood look easy. I don’t try to. This isn’t easy, at all.  I try to live each day. I try to make our lives happy, even when we are sad. I go through times where I feel guilty for thinking other men are attractive, or if I have sexual thoughts about them. I also know that having those thoughts and feelings are totally normal. I am only 34! I am a HEALTHY 34. I am not acting on each thought. That’s where we would have a problem.  But, thinking about things is not a crime. It’s just something that happens. 

Again, not easy. 

One income. I’ve had people say, “Well, there’s one less person, so one less income shouldn’t be too bad.” Well, when you are used to living with double the money you have, it is a TOTAL adjustment! 

I know, that the things people say, are meant to be comforting, and coming from some people, it is comforting. When it comes from someone I am not close to, it doesn’t come out like that. It isn’t taken like that. For some reason, it really is irritating. 

I have always known that I adapt to change pretty well. I typicallyvadapt to change better than most people I know. However, I didn’t realize how well adapted I am, until it was brought to my attention, that I am USED to sleeping alone, already. I have no desire to have someone sleeping next to me. I thought I was going to need friends to sleepover, in the beginning, and I never did. Meg and I slept on an air mattress together for nearly 3 weeks, and both of us got so uncomfortable, she started sleeping on the couch, until we moved into our apartment. I have reverted back to being a bed-hog. I am regretting my decision, to buy a queen bed, rather than a king. I had a king bed, when I was a teenager. I think when Meg gets a “new bed” it’ll be my bed, and I’m getting a king. All that room! 

Now, unrealistically speaking, I would give everything I own away, if it meant I could share a floor with Mitch. But, that’s unrealistic. I can’t BRING HIM BACK! No matter how much I want it, it doesn’t work like that. No matter how hard I cry, or how much I miss him, it just doesn’t work that way. 

Maybe, when my time comes, I’ll see him again. He was a good person. I try to be a good person. Maybe that means our afterlives will be good, if there really is an afterlife. 

I could totally see Mitch and I haunting people, together. Hilariously haunting family and close friends. 

Honestly, I still don’t get signs from Mitch. I haven’t dreamed about him, except the only 2 dreams I had. Maybe he leaves me alone, because he is afraid I’ll lose my shit? Maybe he leaves me alone because I am “doing just fine”? Maybe he thinks I need to continue to “be the inspiration” that I have become? Maybe, he doesn’t visit me, because he is afraid I will be committed to a psych ward, and leave Meg without a parent? Maybe he doesn’t visit, because I told him he wasn’t allowed to haunt me? Jokingly, of course, because when one dies, they can do whatever they want. 😉 And maybe, JUST maybe, he doesn’t visit, because he can’t. Maybe that’s not a true option, after death. Whatever the case, he doesn’t visit me or leave me signs, like I hear everyone else talk about. I have little tidbits of “oh my, Mitch would have said that!” But, nothing too ghostly. 

So, here I sit, 5 months without my Mitchell. I am stronger than I have ever been, in all of my life. I am happy in all areas of life except the part where I am a widow. I still truly believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, even if we haven’t figured out that reason, yet. 

Maybe it’s something so simple as my words, helping someone get through THEIR grieving process, just a little bit easier? Who knows if I’ll EVER know the reasoning behind Mitch’s death, outside of the scientific, biological part. 

Keep Living. 

One. Foot. In. Front. Of. The. Other. 

Skip. Hop. Run. Jump. Walk. 

Keep going. 

Something You Can’t Have

Have you ever wanted something, but couldn’t have it? That new car? That big house? That beautiful dress? I know I’ve had my share of things I have wanted and couldn’t have. For instance, I want my husband alive and well, but I can’t have that. I want a few million dollars, but that’s not happening. But, I am okay with these things. I am living. I am doing okay (financially, physically, etc) without these things. Mentally might be another issue.  Ha!

You see, I saw something today, that I wanted. I even touched it. Had it in my arms. I can’t have it. Why is it, the things you want most, you can’t have? I don’t understand. There must be a science to this. It’s okay, though,  because it is just a want, not a need. Right? I won’t die or have a bad life without it. I am doing just fine.

Usually, in the case of wanting something you can’t have, it’s because the price it too high. Maybe that’s the case, here, too? I am unsure. I don’t know what the price would be. I go back and forth about wanting this, too. One day, it’s a yes, absolutely, and the next, I am unsure.

I had gotten to a point where I didn’t want it, at all. Then BAM it was in my face, today. Right there, in front of me. And son-of-a-bitch, my wanting slammed back on, and in full gear, like, “how do I GET this? How do I make this MINE?”

I don’t. I just sit back, on my hands, and leave it be. I let it go, and move forward. I have so much to focus on, right now, that it’s ridiculous to want something that would take up so much time, and energy. No matter  how much fun it would be to have it!

So I stop. I let the idea go, and pour myself a glass of wine, and write about it. Why? Because, writing is my outlet. It makes me understand me, better. Sounds strange, right? Well, I never said I was normal.

 

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What Do I Want?

Good news. Bad News. News.

Yesterday, I found out a friend’s step-father died. This morning, I found out a woman I know, the mother of a little girl I coached, died. these people were not old! They didn’t die from old age.

People are passing away, left and right. It’s insanity! We will never know when our time comes, until it is upon us.  It got me thinking. What is it I want from this life?

So, here it is.

In life, I want to be energetic. I want to inspire people to do good. I want people to look at me and say, “Damn. I want to be like her, when I grow up.”

I want to be like Mitch. Everyone wanted to be like him. Right?

In death, I want people to say, “We really lost a great one, with her. The world will never be the same!”

I want love, in life. I want to give and receive all of the love, I can endure. I want to be a great friend. I want to truly listen when people talk to me. I want to be there.

I want to be the kind of mother that makes other kids jealous of Megan. (no offense, mom-friends.) I want to make Megan’s life easier, but, not restrain her from her full potential. She’s going to be amazing! (she already is, and she’s only 12)

I want to be everyone’s big sister, in the way that Mitch was everyone’s big brother.

I want to navigate through life, similar to how Mitch did, only MORE.

I want to be the Aunt that nieces and nephews can confide in, happily.

I want to live beyond my years.

I also want to be the type of Mom that Megan wants to be like, when she grows up. I want to set an example worth following.

I want to pay my bills on time, and maybe, one day, buy a condo or a loft.

I want to be the kind of person that can walk into a room of strangers, and walk away with a room full of new friends.

I will.

I can.

Who’s going to stop me? IMG_20150401_170454

Only I can stop ME.