I Am Tired

Exhausted would be a better word to use. I am exhausted.

It’s only Wednesday, and this week has been incredible, sad, scary, but, most of all, it’s been FUN!

It’s been very fun! A Concert on Monday, with a great friend, who I hope to get to hang out with more often, followed by a mom/daughter day on Tuesday getting our hair, and nails done, went out for dinner, and had ice cream cones, from our favorite ice cream shop.

Today, I will go watch Meg catch for her softball team, and hopefully slay the competition. (I’m THAT softball mom.)

I’ve been a bit more sad than normal, this week, and I realize why. Father’s day is on Sunday. This is going to be a rough one.

Megan’s first father’s day without her dad. My heart aches for her. My heart aches for ME! I never had the opportunity to have the beautiful father-daughter bond, that Megan and Mitchell shared. I used to just sit back, and watch them, in awe of how amazing they were together. I got to see that it is real. Sometimes, those perfect movie families can be REAL! Sunday is definitely going to be a rough day. We will have a drink with Mitch for father’s day (Brady and I. Not Megan!), in Florida.

I have felt very close to tears, multiple times this week. Hell, I cried at the hair salon, last night! I was blogging, but decided I didn’t like that blog, because it was just awful, and it would most likely piss people off. So, I deleted it.

I am in no mood to keep pissing people off. I am just living my life, like I need to do.

I am really goal oriented, and have discovered, I typically get the things that I want. I work for them, and I get them. Proudly. I am not sure why I wasn’t trying before. Maybe I just didn’t care, before. I was happy with my life. I am figuring out how to be happy, still. It’s different, now. I am always running. I work, I parent, I am supposed to cook, regularly (haha!), and make sure the apartment is clean, and then I have to also adult! Pay bills, get my oil changed. The works!

So, in the last 4 months, I have learned to do all of the things that Mitch did, and continue to take care of the things I used to take care of. It is exhausting! I decided I didn’t want to just work and sleep, and clean, and pay bills. I decided that with all of the “UNfun” stuff, there should be something fun thrown in there, too! Something just for me, or just for Megan, or just for us together.

So, If I am exhausted, it’s because I am making time for the fun. We need that. Everyone needs it. I recommend that.

Between the tear filled days, we must find the happiness. We must laugh, and tell our memories. We must keep our good people close, and cut loose the ones who try to bring us down. There’s enough going on in my head, that I do not need, or WANT anyone’s attempts at mind games. No time for that. I have many more important things to focus on.  So the only thing to do, is cut them loose. It could be a friend, or part of your family. It doesn’t matter, if they attempt mind games, say goodbye. You will thank yourself, in the long run.

Now, it’s time for me to do that “adulting” stuff, I talked about earlier.

 

haircuts

 

Car Dealership VS The 34 Year Old Widow

So, I have been running around, like a 5-year-old, who got the Barbie she always wanted, for Christmas.

I BOUGHT A CAR! A brand new, never owned before, car!

I was at the car dealership for six and a half hours, getting them to lower the price/monthly payments/interest rate. I have been telling everyone, who will listen, about said event.

I went in strong. I started spouting off all of these numbers, like I REALLY knew what I was talking about, and THEN I sat down. The salesman leaned forward, eyes wide, mouth agape, and said, “Where are you getting all of your information? It’s all very accurate, but, where?”

My brother told me what to say. He told me what questions to ask. I knew what I was looking for, but I have always just been the woman at the dealership with her husband. Now, don’t get me wrong. that statement was sarcastic. It means that I was, basically, overlooked when we were car shopping. Not by Mitch. The salesmen wouldn’t talk to me. They would always direct every question to Mitch, as if I had no clue what I wanted, or needed.

I know my credit is crappy. I said it, immediately after telling the salesman what I wanted, and what I “knew”. I felt good.

I felt STRONG! Independent! Like a fucking goddess!

I got what I wanted, just with a bit higher interest rate, and, I get it. I was lucky to even get approved for a loan, to begin with. But, by golly, I sure did get it, and I sure did get it REAL close to what I was asking for.

 

On the downside. I came home, and all I wanted to do was tell Mitch how amazing I was, at the dealership. Reality hit, and felt tears and sobs coming, but I was so exhausted from haggling, that I just passed out. I had to work today, so sleep took over.

I didn’t eat dinner last night, because I was too busy buying a car.

My brother is in the process of packing all of his stuff, since he is moving out of his smaller home, into a larger one, VERY SOON! He was storing Mitch’s things in his basement for me. It’s all here. My halls were lined with all things Mitch, when I got home.

I see all of his stuff through the clear totes.

I was sad, because my seattle seahawks stick family decals were gone. I was sad, because that car Mitch drove, that always made my heart jump, even though I KNEW he wouldn’t be here, is gone.

I may look strong, and brave, on the outside. On the inside, I am jello. I am scared. I am in so much pain, I can’t even describe it.

I bought a car! Yay!

I traded Mitch’s car. Not-so-yay.

Yes, I laugh. Yes, I love. Yes, I can be happy for those around me, who are getting engaged, buying new homes, or having new babies. I am genuinely happy for your happiness.

I am also happy for MY happy things. I’ve talked about it before. I am happy that I bought this new car. I am so happy that I can afford it. I am happy that when it’s paid off, it’ll still be under warranty, and Megan get it, when she turns 18.

All of that happiness, but, I am devastated that Mitch died. I fucking hate it. I hate that I don’t have him with me. I hate that Megan will be a teenage girl, without her daddy.  It’s not fair! He would have been SO amazing with her, through her teen years. He had so much patience! Watch THIS video, to see.

I remembered, a few days ago, that just about a week before Mitch died, I was talking to a friend about how I wouldn’t have to ever worry about being a single mother, because Mitch was phenomenal! Even if he was messy, he was amazing!

And, since he was so amazing, I have taken the best of his shirts, jerseys, hats, etc, and split them up, amongst his 8 siblings, and parents.

I am excited to give them each, their own little Mitch souvenirs. I don’t expect them to wear the clothing, or hats, or anything like that. But, to have it, and hug it, or put it on a pillow to hug, when they are missing him, will be nice.

God, gods, goddesses! I am SO glad we married young! I got to be with him, for HALF of his life! I got HALF! That’s AMAZING! More than half would have been better, but damn! We are only 34.

I’ve also had to stop wearing my wedding ring, on my finger. I have added it to my urn necklace, and his ring. It looks very good, together.