Last night was the first dream I’ve had of my husband, since he passed. I woke up wishing it to be real.
I dreamed that he never sprained his wrist, never caught that cold, and that he never had the gout flare-up. I dreamed that he still had the crampy legs, and the chest pain.
I dreamed that I MADE him go to the hospital. I dreamed that he was going to be just fine.
Why did he have to have a sore throat before the cough started? Without the sore throat, it wouldn’t have seemed like he caught my cold, and the chest pain couldn’t have been attributed to the cough.
Why did he have to fall and sprain his wrist? Why did he have to have a gout flare-up?
I am angry! I am so mad that he had all of these things that would point the heart symptoms away from the heart. I am so sad, because I am SURE we, even him, would have taken it more seriously, if he didn’t have something to blame each symptom for. My heart aches, because I know, there’s nothing I can do about it now, but help spread the word, and pray no-one else suffers what we are all suffering.
I thought about Mitch all day, at work yesterday. I found myself “dazing off” multiple times. I was between surgeries, and lost it. I cried, out loud, body shaking with each sob. There were a few unfamiliar faces in the OR, who didn’t know my story, that I am SURE I scared the piss out of. I am sorry if I scared you. I am sorry if I ever scare anyone with my body wracking sobs. Sometimes, it just comes, and I don’t even try to control it.
I miss him terribly, and every morning, when I wake up, I wish I was waking up in that crappy house, with my big stinky dogs, and my big teddy bear husband, with his arms around me, or with him trying to press his morning boner into my thigh, because that’s more like something he would do.
So, today, I will wear his Gray Seattle Seahawks hoodie, that I stole from him, long before he passed, and think about him more.
This is a bracelet stands for “What Would Mitch Do?” It means, if you feel like dancing, dance, because that’s what he would do. He wouldn’t care who was watching. He would also keep calm in any event. (Unless the Seattle Seahawks were involved. He was never calm about football.) My friend had them made, and is selling them for $5 each, so we can put money into savings for my 12 year old daughter. Friends are the best, but I wear my bracelet, every day, as does Meg. ❤ If you are interested in one, just message Lisa. She will take care of everything! If you’re not interested, that’s fine too.
You, often, hear people say, “Everything happens for a reason.”
Do you ever wonder what the reason is?
I find myself searching for the reasons, more and more.
Initially, we were told my husband suffered a “black widow” heart attack. I found out today, that it was three blocked arteries. I am unsure, right now, which three they were. We were also informed that there was no abnormalities in his toxicology screening.
I hear this. I see the list of symptoms.
I SAW the symptoms, only, they WEREN’T “those” symptoms.
Let’s go back to the weekend before Christmas. Wait, no. Let’s go back to summer/fall. I am going to briefly share something, but, I am only sharing this so others know not to brush it off as “stress related” side effects.
1: Erectile dysfunction
Through the summer and into the fall, there were a few times where Mitch and I would attempt intimacy, and either A: there was no erection, or B: It went away before anything was really started. Please forgive me, for sharing such personal information. He told me that one morning he woke up, and there “was no morning boner”. (his words, not mine). I told him, “Babe, it could be so many things. It could be so small as stress, or it could be so big as heart issues.” We scheduled a doctor’s appointment for a regular checkup along with whatever screenings were going to be necessary, to make sure his heart was healthy. They couldn’t get in new patients until February 6th. We were excited to get to the bottom of that issue. We moved on. We were intimate when we could be, and that was great. Our love for each-other surpassed the sexual infatuation. We just loved to be around each-other. We still held hands. We would be walking through the mall, and he would put his arm around me. Or he would slap my ass. (same thing, right?)
2: Elevated Blood pressure.
The weekend before Christmas, Mitch was taking out the recycle bin to the larger bin in the driveway. We had freezing rain the night before. He fell. his wrist swelled up so big, and was purple. I was so worried, and had him go to the ER. They found that he had high blood pressure, and a sprain. They prescribed him pain meds and blood pressure meds.
He saw a specialist, and they said it was totally normal to have higher blood pressure when you are in as much pain as he was in.
3 Extremity pain
Mitch had a sprained wrist, and during the very long healing process, he had a pseudo gout flare-up, in his knee, on the SAME SIDE! Couldn’t this perfect man catch a break? He didn’t deserve the pain! After a couple of weeks of the pain being so intense, it finally started to stop hurting. The meds for his gout were working!
But wait! His opposite leg was “feeling weird, almost weak, and cramping sometimes”. We thought it was the over-use of the leg, since he was putting all of his weight on that leg, and planned to give it a couple days, to see if it cleared up.
It either stopped feeling bad, or Mitch quit talking about it. My guess, after knowing that man for most of my life, is that he just quit talking about it. That was the kind of person he was. “Talking and complaining about it doesn’t get it fixed or take care of the problem.” (Mitchisms)
4: Chest pains
This one is what pains me the most. Mitch had caught a cold. That’s what we think. Now, I’m wondering if he was coughing because he was short of breath or something, but I will never know. I had a cold prior, as did half of the people I worked with. Mitch started coughing, and, naturally, we thought it was a cold.
Monday, January 23rd, Mitch told me, when I got home from work, “My chest hurts.” And I asked “like, we need to go see a doctor hurts or what? Does it feel like it’s on the inside or the outside of your ribs?” He made the motion you make when you cough, and he said, “I’m pretty sure it’s from coughing.”
He didn’t mention it again.
He went to work, Wednesday, January 25th, and passed away, somewhere between 7:30am and 8:30am.
Now, keep in mind, all of these symptoms weren’t together, at the same times, and they all had other “reasons”. I mean, what 34-year-old is thinking “I should get my heart checked!”
I’m stressed over bills. My blood pressure was high because I was in so much pain, every time they took it. My leg was overworked, and it’s going to hurt, because of that. My chest hurts because I have been coughing for a week. So simple, yet complicated. I wish I could have put the puzzle together, before I saw the “big picture.”
BACK TO WORK
I went back to work, yesterday. It was okay. Lots of hugs, and “welcome backs”, and “we are so happy to see yous”. I was surrounded by my work family. These people collected (including the donation of Paid Time Off) over $4,000! I was able to take 3 weeks and 2 days off, to get everything taken care of.
One of the most commonly heard phrases lately, has been “You are so strong. I don’t know how you’re doing it.”
If I didn’t have Megan, I wouldn’t be this strong. Yes, I cry. Yes I break down, when I hear silly songs, or when I am doing something that Mitch would usually be there for. One of the surgeons I work with, wrote me a check, to help make sure we are getting by with our bills and everything. The first thing I went to do, was text Mitch. I wanted to tell him about it, and tell him how amazing that was. I almost put his name in, then told my brother instead.
I used to get silly, dirty text messages from him, when I was at work. I don’t get those anymore.
Again, I am this strong, and this put together, because I HAVE to be. I have things that need to be taken care of. I have a 12-year-old daughter who NEEDS me. I can’t not be here for her, just because MY heart hurts. Her heart hurts too.
So, I am going to be THAT parent, who is ALWAYS there. Megan is my everything, now. I can’t crumble and stay that way. So, I won’t.
I love Megan too much, to fade away, into my own mind.
I don’t typically do this, but, I want you all to share this. The first part is so important. SO IMPORTANT.