I’m Not Her

If you knew me before, you’ll understand.

If you entered my life, post-Mitch, this May be interesting for you.

I’m not the same naive girl I was, before.

I was an angry girl. I was dependent and kind of high strung. I needed to be center of attention, ALWAYS. I didn’t live myself. I hated the way I looked 90% of the time, and I didn’t care enough to take care of my own self, let alone anyone else.

I tried. Understand, that I tried very hard to take care of house and home, and did passably okay. I could have done much better. (can’t we all??)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not completely different, but I am definitely not that same girl I am still funny, social, and kind, and like surrounding myself with people who share the same interests.

Now, I’ve been shown that shit really can happen to me, and I take that seriously.

I COULD die.

I COULD get really sick.

I COULD be gone tomorrow.

Do I want to be remembered as the mean, hateful human being, that was a negative Nancy? Or, did I want to be the person that everyone could think highly of? A role model for women, girls, or even men and boys around the world? I’d rather set an example of how we can “be a better me today, than I was yesterday,” and leave a happy memory for anyone who has met me, to remember.

I am more of a “throw caution to the wind” yet, still “put on your seatbelt” kind of person.

I’m a “it’s probably okay…” Yet, “doctor time” kind of person.

I’m a “do your homework” but “figure out how to make it fun” kind of person.

I’m still an oversharer, but, I’m pretty sure I am MORE of an oversharer, now. Like, most people at work know when I need to poop or who I am TOTALLY crushing on at any given time.

I am at a point in my life where, if I hurt you, please, just tell me so I can see my errors and fix them. Before Mitch died, I lived by the idea that I could do no wrong. I have no idea why I believed such a moronic thing, but I did.

I love me. Yes, you read that right.

I

Absolutely

Love

ME!

I’m not obsessed with myself or conceited.

I love myself enough to say no.

I love myself enough to skip that slice of pizza.

I love myself enough (even though I’m in a workout rut) to go run before work.

I love myself enough to eat healthy.

I love myself enough to let go of men who don’t take me seriously. I’d rather be single than someone’s second thought.

I love myself enough to get out of bed, every single morning, take myself to work and do the best I can do, at work.

Through finding a self-love, I’ve learned that I’m not here to please everyone. I can be kind and I can be very blunt and truthful. My number one priority, emotionally, is to be happy. If I’m happy, I’m an all around better person.

I am aware that we can’t all be happy all of the time. I’m not that crazy. I am, however very aware of, and capable of, finding happiness in everything. Even if it is so painful. Even if it makes me feel guilty for finding that happiness, amidst the awful circumstances.

Like Rachel Hollis said at a conference she did, if you practice finding the good in every situation, you will be a happier version of you. If you search in the hardest of places, you CAN find the good. That’s not an exact quote as I do not recall the exact quote, but that’s pretty close.

I didn’t do that very much before. I mean, I found silver linings where many didn’t, but not in everything. I look deep sometimes, but the good is there. We just need to bring it into the light.

So, I am different. I am an improved version of my previous self. I am not new, but I am original.

Also, if you haven’t listened ti or Read Girl Wash Your Face, or Girl, Stop Apologizing, by Rachel Hollis, do it! Read them. Listen to the books on audible if you have to.