6 Months, 5 Days

On the Morning of the 6 month marker, of Mitchell’s death, I woke up, tears fell for an hour, as I scrolled through facebook’s “on this day”, showered and got ready for work. 

I made a post on Facebook, about how I was feeling, and a lot of what I miss about Mitch. 

I didn’t write a blog, or really talk to very many people. I didn’t tell Megan what the day was, until we were having dinner. 

I mostly kept to myself, and tried not to project my sadness onto anyone else. 

Everyone says it gets easier, as time passes by. 

Everyone grieves differently. 

It’s not easier. Each time I wake up, and Mitch isn’t here, it hurts just a little bit more. Each time some man, that I don’t know, hits on me, like I’m some “single chick” it kind of makes me angry. 

I have “ignored” so many people on messenger, “restricted” so many people on Facebook as well. 

On the 6 month-marker, a man tried to tell me he “wanted to know me”. I also posted about it on Facebook. He claimed he wanted to know me, yet, he didn’t take a second to scroll through my Facebook profile, and see that I just made a big, long, emotional post about how much I miss my deceased husband, and realize how inappropriate his messages were. I see through the typed words. 

I don’t feel bad about not wanted to know people. I don’t feel bad about blocking old acquaintances, or ignoring morons on Facebook. 

One thing I realized recently, is that I feel alone, a lot more than I realized. 

I asked a ton of people to go out with me, Friday night, and so many people just said no, or couldn’t go (kids, other plans, etc). It’s okay. I understand if you don’t want to or can’t go out with me. But here’s where the loneliness sets in. If Mitch was here, he would have gone with me, no questions. (it would have been his idea to go, even) I would not have gone to a concert alone, and we would have had an amazing time. Sure, I had fun. I was surrounded by people, and made “friends”. No. I was surrounded by people, and made more acquaintances. Sure it was fun, but my heart was still broken, and empty. As I danced and listened to the songs Mitch so often played for me, my heart was tearing open, shredding apart, again. 

It’s things like going out alone, or figuring out who will take Megan home from a ball game, if I get called into work, that make me feel alone. 

It’s little things that set me off into a crying mess. I feel like I cry MORE now, than I did in the beginning. Like it’s more REAL now, than it was. Maybe it’s because school is getting ready to start, or something? I don’t know. I don’t care why. It just IS. This is the way it is, now. 

I know, I have Megan, and that’s a MARVELOUS thing. I’m not alone when I’m with her, but I cannot take her everywhere with me. 

Maybe now, I’ve hit the point that everyone has warned me about. The point where everyone believes I am fine, and fall away.

 The scariest part about being a widow, is feeling alone. 

I miss him, so so so much. I miss his presence. I am so angry and sad that he is gone. This is a nightmare. He was such a beautiful soul. We needed him, more, here.

 The world needs more Mitches. 

Tears Fall Freely

I have noticed that I cry more often, now. Little things set me off.

I feel like the numbness is ebbing. It hurts a little more often, now.

I am still able to go about my days, and enjoy myself, so no worries there. I am still putting one foot in front of the other, even if some days my feet become tangled, and I trip and fall on my face.

Today, I woke up, and my mother and father in law were here, and my two nieces and Megan. We made a big breakfast buffet, with pancakes, sausage, bacon, eggs, and all kinds of pancake toppings. The kiddos love the “pancake bar”.

After the family left, and it was just Megan and I, I cleaned up the dishes, and did some laundry. I ordered meat from Omaha Steaks, and just went on about my day.

Normal.

Meg and I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things for the week, since the meat won’t be delivered until Thursday, or so. I needed healthy snacking options, carrots, celery, cucumbers, and fresh fruits. When I got home, I put all the groceries away, and I was going to cut the fruits and veggies.

Before I started cutting veggies, I was putting Megan’s spaghettios with meatballs into the pantry, and started to tell Megan where they were. The biggest case of DeJa Vu hit me. I remembered, very clearly that moment. I had dreamed it. I mean, full on simplistic nightmare. I knew, in that dream, that Mitch had passed away, and that’s why I was in another home. I woke up from that dream, so many years ago, and was so distraught that I woke Mitch up, just to have him hold me, and tell me everything would be okay. Just for him to tell me he was still there. I told Megan about it, today, as soon as I had that deja vu. No tears, just in awe of how I had dreamed about this day, long before it ever happened. This is why my dreams scare me. Some, even the bad ones, actually come true.

I start pulling the celery stalk apart, so I can wash and cut the veggie. I lay them out to dry, and grab my knife. I start cutting.

Then, out of no-where, for no reason, I hear it, in my mind, “You know, you’ll never see him again.”

I started crying. Sometimes, the mind can be a terrible thing.

But really? Chopping vegetables? It’s such a regular part of my weekend. It’s nothing special. Mitch didn’t really eat the veggies, so it wasn’t like it was something I would do for him, really. However, I did make enough for him to have snacks as well. Why didn’t the memory of the dream throw me into a fit of tears? Shock?

I got my shit together, and decided to put the pictures into their new frames, and then remembered I had this super cute flip-photo album that my sister-in-law, Zaida bought me for Christmas. I needed to add photos to it. So, naturally, I sit down and start going through my gigantic box of photos. Old photos, newer ones. I wanted to put good ones into this flip album. I started crying again. Pictures of Mitch haven’t caused me to cry until tonight. I was looking at our wedding photos, and the look on his face was amazing. He was the happiest man alive! I was glowing. We, the youngest couple, married, starting our life together. Little did we know, our time together would be much shorter than expected.

I cannot express, fully, how important it is to live like there’s no tomorrow.

I know I have said it before, but I am saying it again.

Tell  your loved ones that you love them, every single day. Never let someone you love, walk out the door, without telling them you love them. Never let them wonder. Make sure they know! It really helps the ones that are left behind. I know that he knew my love for him. I know that he knew Megan’s love for him. I know that Megan knows he loved her so much! And I know, he loved me, so much, too!

wedding2003 001
It the top photo, He was whispering, “I love you, like a fat kid loves cake.” In the bottom photo, That kiss, though. ❤