This year has been one hell of a ride, so far.
I’ve done so many things that I never expected I would ever do.
I, unfortunately, became a widow, at the age of 34, in January. Most already know the details of that, and I won’t relive it, in this post.
In February, I paid off all of our tax debt, which was absolutely insane. That amount of money was a pretty large chunk of change. I set up autopay for my student loans.
In February, I went to Liberty tax and filed our taxes. It was overwhelming. I had never filed taxes, without Mitch there. Never!
In March, I bought a new car. A brand new car. I never thought I could get a brand new car. I figured I would be stuck with dud cars for the rest of my life. Also, in March, I officially hired JRen Fitness, to whip me into a healthier me.
In April, I signed up for the Conquer the Gauntlet Lifetime pass. It has been so rewarding! I’ve met so many people, because of this, who have become friends, some who I consider my race family.
In May, I left work at 3pm, hopped in my car, with 2 girlfriends, and drove, all the way to Georgia. We got there at 5am, and decided to nap for an hour before racing time. I ran my first official CTG! It was amazing! At the end of May, I released some stress, in a way that I knew how.
I had sex with someone who ISN’T Mitch. (Definitely, I never saw this in my 2017 plans!)
In June, I drove to Dallas Texas, for a conquer the Gauntlet. I found out that I can drive, easily, for 8 hours, before my ass starts cramping. I took Meg to the JFK museum, and we left Mitch at a restaurant and in the grassy Knoll.
In July, we didn’t do much celebrating for Independence Day, since it was my scheduled holiday. That was strange.
Meg started volunteering for the race Merch tent. She was killing it, in sales. She is doing so much better speaking to “strangers” (customers, and it transferred over to her ordering her own food at restaurants, too!)
I’ve been to Tulsa, and Iowa, for races, as well.
I went to Nebraska for a workout with some race friends. Just because it sounded like a good thing to do. (It WAS!)
I never would have thought that I’d be in the place I am, right now.
This year has been trying. I have definitely had my bad days. I have sat down, on the edge of my bed and cried, for hours, about things I can’t control. Once those tears are released, I feel like it is like letting my worries go. Letting them free into the universe. I can’t worry about the things I can’t control. It’s fruitless. It’s unnecessary stress, that I CAN refuse to have.
I can be happy, without feelings of guilt.
I can have fun, without guilt.
I can keep taking steps, forward, without guilt.
I can be sad, and happy, at the same time.
I can be myself, an individual.
I can be a mom.
I can be a friend.
I can say things and do things that most people are too aftaid to do or say. And I don’t do it, for attention. I don’t need that kind of attention, ya know? I do it, so other women and men, who are experiencing the same feelings I have, never feel alone.
I know that this blog is about me being a widow, but I hope that anyone who has lost a loved one, can get some sort of hope from my story.
I NEED people to keep hope. Or faith, or whatever you want to call it.
It’s important to me, that people who are devestated right now, know that happiness IS possible.
You may not believe me, right now. Hell, I wouldn’t have believed me, either.
But, I promise you, it is possible.
It’s beautifully intertwined with sadness, and excitement, anger and love.
The happiness that first comes, is one heavily dosed with guilt. You find yourself laughing, then you turn around, and start crying, because, you feel guilty about laughing, about feeling that feeling that makes you laugh.
The happiness that comes after, is pure. It’s a new kind of happy. I don’t know if I can explain it well enough, but I will try.
Happiness before the loss of someone who is such a huge, positive part of your life, is happiness. It is normal, happy, where you may take things for granted. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s just normal. The happiness now, post guilt laden happiness, is so much deeper.
It’s a kind of happy that starts down in your belly, and moves up, and through the chest, to burst out, and just be. It’s one where you appreciate the things that make you happy. You don’t take for granted, anything, anymore. You know how quickly the happiness and good can go away.
It’s a kind of happy that I wish everyone could feel, but, for me, it took a terrible, horrible, tragic loss, to open my eyes, my mind, and my heart. And I don’t wish this kind of loss on my worst enemy.
I feel like putting that into words doesn’t do it justice. I can’t explain it, any better than that, but that’s just not enough.
That’s the best I can give.
Another thing I have noticed is that my desire to make people happy, is far above what it ever was, before. I can say “thank you.” I can say “I appreciate you.” I can say many things, but instead, I’ve been more likely to SHOW you, of late. A hug, a kind gesture, or a gift. Something that goes with the words. It’s not a form of “repayment” or “to create equality”. It’s because it’s what I WANT… no… it’s what I NEED to do, to be a happy human. I want everyone who positively impacts my life to know they have. Period.
It’s about using actions, because they speak louder than words.