The Sock In My Hand.

Have you ever found yourself holding something, and you don’t realize you’ve got a death-grip on it? Have you ever clung to rightly to an IDEA, that you couldn’t let it go? Let me tell you a little something that I learned recently.

The other night, I took my socks off and must have fallen asleep with a sock in my hand, because when I woke up the next morning, I was still clutching that sock in the same hand, so tightly that my knuckles were white, and my hand was sore! When I let go, there was a uncontrollable sigh of relief that escaped my lungs.

There’s a major significance between that sock and my life.

I have a tendency to not let things/ideas/people go, when I should. When I woke up, and I had that sock in my hand, I felt like I was coming upon some revelation about who I am.

I know I don’t let PEOPLE go, easily. I have discussed this before. When I have my mind set on something, it takes a while for me to change that way of thinking.

Like the guy (I know, I said the last blog was the last one about him, but bare with me… this part will be short), from the previous blogs. The guy I love, with such intensity that I am unaware of how to deal. It took me months to realize that I wasn’t IN LOVE with him, but only have a love for him, so much so, I would rather be his friend for life, and never lose him, rather than risking it all for sex. MONTHS of clinging to this idea that we would be together someday.

So yesterday, I fully let go of every thought of a possibility of being with him. There was this feeling of relief.

Thanks to that sock, I feel okay with this. Just days ago, it hurt to think of giving up that hope. Now though? It’s like a weight I never knew existed was lifted from my shoulders.

Thanks to that sock, that I was gripping so tightly, like I was afraid to lose it, I am going to be better at letting things go, that aren’t meant for me. Like ideas I dream up, or holding so tightly to people who just keep taking a step farther from me, with each passing day.

I am unaware of what this chapter is, in my life. I am also not too worried about it. What is meant to be WILL be, and I have to have faith that when it’s my time to shine, I’ll shine for the correct person. Myself.

I keep looking for the deeper meaning to everything and I have forgotten to live in the moment. I have forgotten to have fun NOW! Life is fleeting. I could be gone tomorrow. You could be gone tomorrow. Everyone could be gone tomorrow.

So, why was I so stuck on the “possibility” of something, rather than the reality of what is?

Me, of all people should know better than that. All I am doing, when I hold onto a possibility is hurting myself. If I continue to hurt myself, I will lose my friend, because he cannot stand to be the reason I am in pain. I am okay with letting go of those possibilities now. He never caused me pain. It was me all along.

I’ll never NOT regret turning him down, last year.

I will never forget, again, that I did that, but it was important in that moment. We had barely just started talking to each other on a regular basis. We’d always talk about how we are worth more than just sex, and I was serious. We would drink and text each-other all the time. We were never both drinking at the same time, or things would have gotten out of hand, quite quickly.

But, I’ll let go, now. For real, this time.

I am happy with letting go.

But let me be clear. Just because I am letting go doesn’t mean I’ve lost my sisterly/friend love for him. He’s a freaking superhuman, super-dad, and has been one of my best friends through all of this dating crap, and I’ll never forget that, nor will I downplay it. I wish I could tell everyone who he is, because most of you will be like “what?! Holy shit!” But I won’t share, for his privacy. I respect people, much more than most would think, when it comes to THEIR privacy. I share all of my feelings and my experiences, but I won’t ever reveal someone unless they ask me to.

But I wish I could share so everyone could see him through my eyes, and have my version of him embedded in their minds.

amazing.

Strong.

Super-dad.

Dedicated.

Smart.

Funny.

Great listener!

Encouraging.

Positive Thinker.

Good looking 😉

And a complete gentleman.

I’ll cut it off here, because I could laundry list all of the positives about him, for days. Women would be BEGGING for his name and number. Haha!

So… the sock in my hand was a lesson to myself.

Sometimes, you just have to have faith and let go.

I Am Tired

Exhausted would be a better word to use. I am exhausted.

It’s only Wednesday, and this week has been incredible, sad, scary, but, most of all, it’s been FUN!

It’s been very fun! A Concert on Monday, with a great friend, who I hope to get to hang out with more often, followed by a mom/daughter day on Tuesday getting our hair, and nails done, went out for dinner, and had ice cream cones, from our favorite ice cream shop.

Today, I will go watch Meg catch for her softball team, and hopefully slay the competition. (I’m THAT softball mom.)

I’ve been a bit more sad than normal, this week, and I realize why. Father’s day is on Sunday. This is going to be a rough one.

Megan’s first father’s day without her dad. My heart aches for her. My heart aches for ME! I never had the opportunity to have the beautiful father-daughter bond, that Megan and Mitchell shared. I used to just sit back, and watch them, in awe of how amazing they were together. I got to see that it is real. Sometimes, those perfect movie families can be REAL! Sunday is definitely going to be a rough day. We will have a drink with Mitch for father’s day (Brady and I. Not Megan!), in Florida.

I have felt very close to tears, multiple times this week. Hell, I cried at the hair salon, last night! I was blogging, but decided I didn’t like that blog, because it was just awful, and it would most likely piss people off. So, I deleted it.

I am in no mood to keep pissing people off. I am just living my life, like I need to do.

I am really goal oriented, and have discovered, I typically get the things that I want. I work for them, and I get them. Proudly. I am not sure why I wasn’t trying before. Maybe I just didn’t care, before. I was happy with my life. I am figuring out how to be happy, still. It’s different, now. I am always running. I work, I parent, I am supposed to cook, regularly (haha!), and make sure the apartment is clean, and then I have to also adult! Pay bills, get my oil changed. The works!

So, in the last 4 months, I have learned to do all of the things that Mitch did, and continue to take care of the things I used to take care of. It is exhausting! I decided I didn’t want to just work and sleep, and clean, and pay bills. I decided that with all of the “UNfun” stuff, there should be something fun thrown in there, too! Something just for me, or just for Megan, or just for us together.

So, If I am exhausted, it’s because I am making time for the fun. We need that. Everyone needs it. I recommend that.

Between the tear filled days, we must find the happiness. We must laugh, and tell our memories. We must keep our good people close, and cut loose the ones who try to bring us down. There’s enough going on in my head, that I do not need, or WANT anyone’s attempts at mind games. No time for that. I have many more important things to focus on.  So the only thing to do, is cut them loose. It could be a friend, or part of your family. It doesn’t matter, if they attempt mind games, say goodbye. You will thank yourself, in the long run.

Now, it’s time for me to do that “adulting” stuff, I talked about earlier.

 

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