So, I cry every now and then. It’s bound to happen. I don’t try to stop it. It usually doesn’t get horribly bad.
I hurt. I feel the loss at every turn. There’s no denying that.
When I am happy, there’s always a little trace of sadness. Also, very normal. I am ashamed of nothing.
I brought all of the Christmas stuff out of storage, this Monday. It’s been sitting in the hallway of my apartment.
Just a bunch of totes of Christmas stuff. So much Christmas stuff.
It was one of Mitch’s favorite holidays to decorate for.
We hit every store we could, last year, after the holiday. We have so much stuff. We have 4′ gingerbread men for outside. But I live in an apartment now.
Every time I’ve walked by the Christmas stuff, sitting in my hallway, my chest would tighten.
I knew it was going to hurt, but I was only guessing at how bad.
As I was clearing out the corner, where the tree is going, it hit me. I hadn’t even touched the Christmas stuff yet. My chest felt like it was ripping wide open, and my breath caught.
I, literally, crawled between my 2 shelves and started to cry. I scared the crap out of Megan, but, I can’t help it. She came out of her bedroom, and my baby girl put her arm on my shaking shoulders, and said “Mommy, just breeeeathe. It’s okay.” My little girl.
This. Fucking. Hurts.
I sobbed, I snotted. I. Cried. Whole body shuddering.
I cried for a Christmas without Mitch.
I cried for a daughter without her daddy.
I cried for a wife without her love.
I cried for the day I learned he was gone.
I cried for the loss of this man. My husband. Meg’s father. This best friend, son, and big brother.
I settled down, and wiped the tears away.
Together, Megan and I got the tree out of the damn box, and decorated the shit out of it.
That’s his most worn Seattle Seahawks hat.
I started going through the decorations, and came across a box of cards. I thought “SCORE! I don’t have to buy any cards, this year!”
And then I started opening them and what do you know?
Pre-signed cards, from a time before, in my handwriting.
From a time when we never would have expected to only have 2 names on cards this year. A time when everything wasn’t perfect, but everyone was happy and together, and alive.
I started to cry again. Not quite as noisily as before. I sat the cards aside, and decided to look, later. I needed to sort them out, because I didn’t want to give those out this year.
Later came, so I started going through the cards. Then I came across this…
I nearly lost my shit. I curled into myself, again, and began to wail, body still shaking from the first cry.
That’s Mitch’s handwriting.
These were the last Christmas cards he filled out.
I remember the day I decided to start signing the cards. I said, “Mitch! You have GOT to fill out some cards, or people are going to think you don’t like them.” I was TOTALLY kidding, of course! He laughed, and filled out some cards.
But I sorted those cards. I kept the ones he signed, and am tossing the ones I signed.
But we did it. We made it through, over, and under this obstacle. We climbed it, we dragged it, we rolled it, and rang the damn bell.
The. Tree. Is. Up.
I might cry, every time I look at it, but it’s there. It’s beautifully lit, and decorated.
I also did something he told me I needed to work on. I let Meg decorate most of it. There’s a whole side of the tree without ornaments, but it’s staying that way.
It’s beautifully lopsided, kind of like my life.