Pool and Drinks With Friends.

As a woman who was with the same man, happily, for my entire adult life, I’ve never gone out, and met new people, before recently. I’ve never had to babysit my drink, because I always had Mitch as my second pair of eyes, to keep me safe.

With that said, I went on one actual date, which was weird, and fun, because I love meeting people. I love hearing their stories, about how they came to be where they are at that very moment. That date went well, because we talked about everything from politics to desires in the world.

Recently, I went out, with a group of people, 2 brand new friends, one semi-new friend, and 2 friends that I’ve known since before Mitch passed away. A group of people hanging out, playing pool.

Long story short, I am fairly certain I was drugged that night. I wasn’t so sure until after last night. I only drank beer, but, wasn’t very smart. I didn’t keep it with me the whole time. I left it unattended multiple times through the night.

Remember. Only beer.

My tab, with my drinks and one of my friend’s drinks was a whopping 28. That’s like 5-6 beers for me.

I am 100% certain I came inside of my apartment alone, so that’s lucky! I remember chaining the door, then nothing. Then puking, then sleeping.

When I woke up, the next morning, I felt fine. Not like I had drank so much to have made myself vomit, for an hour or so, like I did. I checked my phone, for messages, and stuff. I saw that a friend was up towards the top of the texts, and was like what?! So I clicked, and scrolled wayyyyyy up. We had an hour long conversation. A whole hour that I have no recollection of.

Beer. I’ve never reacted like that to beer. That’s not a thing. Booze, I’m sure would make me lose memory, but, that’s why I only drink beer.

Again, I am so thankful I was home, alone, for that. I won’t be going out, playing pool again, unless I am with close friends, that I’ve known for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying anyone from the group did it. I am saying anyone could have walked over and dropped a little something in my drink, as we all had our backs to the table, because we were facing the pool table all night.

I have seen the error of my ways, and that will not be repeated. I will never, ever put myself in a position of weakness again. I got lucky. I could have been… let’s not even go there. Anything could have happened to me, but I ended up at home, texting a friend for an hour.

Lucky. As. Fuck.

Now. The reason I believe that someone put something in my drink, is because last night, I had the same amount, or more of beer, and was fine. (I will probably not drink for a pretty long time. 2 weekends in a row is body torture! Ha)

I still can’t believe that I put myself in the position I did. Just thinking about it, after the fact, is terrifying. All of the “what ifs” going through my head.

So, with this confession, I will leave this here, for everyone. A link to 8 ways to avoid getting roofied.

I OBVIOUSLY needed this refresher.

One Year Is Steadily Approaching.

With each day that passes this month, and each Facebook memory, and the vast differences from the memories, and now, a little dread creeps in. Each day gets a little harder. It hurts a little more. I don’t understand it.

It is what it is.

I took the day off, that will mark the one year date. I have not used “anniversary” because I don’t feel like it’s something to be celebrated.

But each day that goes by, is one day closer to Mitch being gone, an entire year.

A whole year. It seems like just yesterday, he was here, laughing, making fun of us all, but it also feels like he has been gone a lifetime.

It has been a year of remembering, and talking, and tears and laughter.

A year full of surprises, adventure, and new lives. A year of sadness, and of death and bad news. A year of work, and school, and family and friends. A year of us. A year of growth, and love, bonding and finding ourselves.

The last 12 months have shown us, not only how to do all the things we never expected to be doing, but that we CAN do it all.

I remember one of my very first thoughts, the day I was told he passed. “How will I pay the bills and still feed us?”

Then I felt terrible for thinking about money. But, realistically, it has to be thought about. Also, realistically, I needed to continue to grieve, and not think about the money, as an added stressor.

I think that’s what makes grieving so hard for wives and husbands who are widowed. You have to pause your grieving, to take care of the time sensitive matters, and pick up where you left off, days or even weeks later.

And don’t get me wrong, grieving is hard for every loss, I am sure. So, please don’t think I am comparing in a “this is worse than that” way, because that’s so far from what I feel.

All grief is equally unique, and individualized.

Something I have learned, on this unpaved, rocky, twisting path, is that we all process differently, as well. Some need professional therapy, where some prefer and benefit from talking with friends. Some write in a journal, and some blog.

Then, there are physical releases as well. Working out, running, walking, yoga, meditation, kick boxing, karate. The list is endless!

But, not everyone does the same thing.

Something new, that I started this year, is competing with myself. Did I do that better than the last time? Was I faster? Was I more steady? Did I hold longer than last time? Etc.

I LOVE when I beat my records. I don’t care how great you are, there is ALWAYS room for improvement. Never forget that.

I’ve got plans for the 25th, and will be surprising everyone when the movie I create, is finished. It will be memorable, to say the very least.

Is Anger Bad?

No no. I’m not pissed off or angry or anything like that.

However, I did get a little mad today. I never check my work emails, because I never have time to check it at work. Well, today, I had to go through the process of setting up my anger management stuff, because our company switched providers, so I had to get into my emails.

I sent an email to the three people in charge of this, after my first “counseling” session. I never saw the response until today.

One responded with “I disagree with your first paragraph.” Okay. I’ll share with you all, my first paragraph:

“I wanted to start this off, by saying thank you for allowing me the opportunity to keep my position, here, at *Work Place*.  I know that I can prove to you all that I do not have an anger problem, and that the hole by the locker room was an accident, no matter what mood I was in at the moment. I just happened to be angry in that particular moment, and I am sorry that a hole was what came of the situation.”

What is there to disagree with, besides proving that I don’t have an anger problem? Does the person disagree that I am sorry about the hole in the wall?

So, the email response I received did make me mad.

Okay. So what. I am entitled to get mad. It is 100% healthy to have feelings.

So, I requested a meeting.

When I requested the meeting, I realized WHY I got so mad about it.

It stems from previous conversations, with that same person, and how they said “I remember my first year of grief, and I was mad at everything, so I know you’re angry. I know how you’re feeling!”

So… to me, and probably to anyone who has ACTUALLY gone through their own grief process, we all know that grief is like a thumbprint. We are all going to handle it differently, with our own jumbled feelings. Comparing your first year to my first year isn’t fair. I am not you. I am not angry for unreasonable things.

Curious. Questioning the universe: how do I do this?


Being angry, “at everyone and everything” isn’t reasonable. I am a realistic-optimist. I have spoke on this before, probably close to 10-11 Months ago.

If you don’t believe me, right here, right now, and only think I’m writing these blogs as “proof” that I’m not an irrationally angry person, go back and read from day 1, that I posted very shortly after Mitch’s death.

You know, I said, recently, that I didn’t get angry, and later realized that is an inaccurate statement. Of course I get angry. It’s how I manage my anger that sets me apart from others. Or makes me just the average Jane. I don’t know.

Sometimes, with people I feel are like my family, I will argue, yell, curse, and say things that I’ll feel bad about, later. But, we all, usually, apologize and move on.

With people I don’t know very well, I just let it go. I don’t know you, and you just did or said something that made me not want to know you further, so, no harm to me. Let it go!

I blog… about. Everything!

All of my feelings I have, are put into word form and shared with anyone who stumbles across it.

It makes me feel better. Writing helps me understand everything I feel, want, need, etc. And if someone is able to read any of my blogs and say “ME TOO!” Or “I do feel that way, as well!” Then, Great!

I know, and will always understand that your grief is different than my own.

You may be pissed at the world. I am not. I am embracing this new, scary, weird life, because, what else am I supposed to do?

Am I supposed to dwell, and get depressed, and stop going to work, and quit paying bills. Move in with a family member? Stop showering, shaving or getting dressed nice?

Oh… yeaaaahhhhhhh!

I am now the widowed mom, raising one strong, independent teenager, who, even when she pisses me off, I couldn’t possibly love any more than I do. She NEEDS me, and she needs me to be her role model. She needs to see me work, even on days I don’t want to go. She needs to see me set goals, and then achieve them.

She also needs to see me fail, and learn from how I handle failure. Do I throw my hands up and just say “fuck this!” Or do I get right back at it, dig my feet in, and figure out what CAUSED the failure? Then, watch as I strive for achievement!

With all of that said, I will say goodnight.


New Year’s Event

One year.

Not since the death of my amazing husband, no. One year ago was the last holiday I got to spend with him.

Facebook assaults or blesses me with “on this day”, every single day. As I see pictures from last year, I see how pale Mitch was. I believe, that he was already in a downward fall. Not last year. I didn’t see it a year ago. If I did, or if he did, we wouldn’t be in this situation. Or we would? I’ll never know, and with this, “what ifs” can’t tear you down, so I try to avoid the “if only” and “what if” thoughts.

In the photo, before the countdown, he is smiling. His beautiful face, pale. (He tried avoiding the camera all night, because he didn’t want the splint in any pictures. He hated that thing!)

These were the two photos from our last holiday together, that screamed at me, today.

New Year’s was a fun time, we spent with family and friends, every year. We loved bringing in the New year, surrounded by those we loved.

Mitch was always the life of the party. He made everyone around him feel good, and filled the room with laughter. It never failed.

I wish he was spending this new year’s holiday with us, too. I wish I could hear his big laugh, and wrap my arms around his big shoulders, and tell him I love him, over and over and over.

This year, he will be spending his New Year’s Eve with someone he hasn’t spent it with in many many years.

His mom. But, with all the family that has passed, he has a party going on, wherever they all are, and we all know it!!

Megan, Sandy, Paul, Scotty, and many many more.

Party On, Mitch. We miss the fuck out of you!

It is Christmas, and I am Still a Widow.

Not that I expected any change in my Widow status.

It is Christmas! It is the time of year we all get excited, and see our families, and embrace everyone for everything that they are. Some will give gifts, some will drink too much, and some will quietly roll their eyes at the drunkest family members. It’s what happens on Christmas.

It was one of Mitch’s top 2 favorite holidays. (I think Halloween was a very close second, so close it was like they tied for first)

For many of you, it has been exactly one year, since you’ve seen Mitch in person, and heard his laughter, or dirty jokes spoke aloud.

12 Months.

52.1 weeks.

365 days.

Mitch wouldn’t want anyone to be sad, today. Of all days, especially not today!

I know it’ll be rough, but I will look around, and see what we still have, here on earth. And by “what” I mean who. I will speak his name, and tell his silly stories. I will be thankful for those who are still with us. I will be present.

I will be considerate of the feelings of those who will surround us, today, for I got to have Mitch a month longer than most.

I know, it doesn’t change anything. He still passed away, when he passed away, but, still.

By the time we are at the McAnany’s party, it’ll be our 4th “Christmas” without Mitch, this year. We’ve had some preparation, already, where almost everyone I see today, will be having their first without him. It doesn’t get easier, it just becomes more manageable.

Meg and I will have our 3rd, traditional Christmas, this morning. We will go to Perkin’s for breakfast, then go see a movie. I am still trying to talk her into Star Wars instead of Pitch Perfect 3, but so far, it’s a no-go!

I will have a straight face, for the world to see, as I handle my emotional battle within.

I will keep telling myself, what Mitch would say to me:

“Today isn’t all about you!” Ha!

Because it isn’t about me, or Mitch, you or any individual. This holiday is about family, and love, happiness and togetherness.

Be present.

Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays!

How To To Treat A Widow On Christmas…

That’s easy. Treat her like family. Treat her like a friend.

Maybe get her a gift. Nothing extravagant, of course, but something that says “I’m thinking about you.” Keep in mind, in most cases of married couples, they are typically the ones who buy for each-other. It’s strange to think, right? (Not me, really. I don’t care about gifts. I gave Meg $65 to buy me stuff, because I was more curious about WHAT she would pick out for me. 😂)

My best friends have gotten me gifts, and I love them dearly (and I also got gifts for them, just like every year).

A new widow, who is used to being with their husband, or wife, during the holidays is probably feeling more lonely that ever. Overwhelmed is a great word to use, for how I’ve felt. I have to remember EVERYTHING! I am not used to that. Mitch would always remind me “we forgot… insert family member here!”

He was my other half. He picked up where I slacked and slacked where I picked up. We were partners.

Remember, if it seems like your widowed friend remembered everyone but you, it wasn’t on purpose, or out of dislike. It’s because their partner isn’t there reminding them. This time of year is hectic, even for 2 people working together!

Hell, Mitch and I forgot people every single year. 2 were his freaking step siblings! EVERY SINGLE YEAR! He made a trip to the ATM to get them $20 each.

And know, when you are celebrating the holidays with your loved ones, your widow-friend is holding their shit together, with all of their strength. This is the time of year to be with the ones you love most, and they can’t have that. You don’t need to “feel sorry” for them, or look at them with pity in your eyes. That’s not desired. Just be yourself. That’s all I want from my friends and family.

Love me, like you always have. Hug me, like you always have.

Be present. And don’t be afraid to mention their name!

Mitch fucking LOVED Christmas! This was his FAVORITE holiday! He didn’t care about presents, but damnit, I tried every year to top the previous year’s gifts. Last year took the cake! I bought him the LAST XBOX1 in Kansas City. The last one! He bought me an inversion table. We spoiled the shut out of each-other.

I will miss spoiling the shit out of my man. I will work on topping each year of Megan’s Christmas gifts though. ❤️ I will carry on the tradition of making Grandma Kathleen cry with cards, and getting a goof ass card for his Uncle Paul.

Just remember, the holidays are so very bittersweet for anyone struggling with loss.

It’s hard, but, we have to put #OneFootInFrontOfTheOther

Thank you to all of my family, and all of my amazing friends, for being here, For sticking by me, even when it might have been the last thing you wanted to do. I appreciate you all! ❤️

Anger Management

I did my therapy session… for anger management… because I am “so angry all of the time!”

My therapist was on her phone the whole time. Even answered a personal call about where and when to meet for dinner. 👎

Any of my therapist friends out there have any advice?

PS: I have to continue until I am cleared, if I wish to keep my job.

And she muttered those 6 irritating words… “I know exactly how you feel!”

Then didn’t seem to believe me when she asked if I was ever mad at Mitch for dying. Hell no I’m not MAD, nor have I gotten mad at him for dying! He didn’t CHOOSE to die. He would have chose LIVING if offered that choice. She even rolled her eyes at me, when I said that!

We are in a circumstance that wasn’t chosen. Why do people assume I am angry? I get mad when I am told to do something that is wrong, and that is OK. I get irritated or annoyed when people tell

me “I know exactly how you feel.” Because, honestly, no you don’t.

Did you grow up with a father who basically walked away until you were 6 or 7, then decided to fight for custody, causing your brother and yourself to go to foster care? Did you grow up in my situation? Did you drop out of high school, live on the streets and not know when or if you were going to eat every day? Did you get a job and pay your way at age 16? Did you get married, then have a child, THEN decide to get your GED and college degree, while working at blockbuster on minimum wage? Did you struggle to make ends meet even though you KNOW you made enough money to cover everything? Did you have a slum-lord who refused to have the plumbing fixed? Did you finally get comfortable, and start seeing the bills fall away, because you went to your boss and said you don’t make enough money for what you do, to get a $6/hour raise? Then, did your HUSBAND (or wife) pass away, unexpectedly at age 34, in what was the PRIME of your lives? Have you balanced everything from your time to everyone else’s time, going out of town for races, and staying healthy, and making sure your child knows they are so loved? Have you REALLY been in my shoes? Do you REALLY know “EXACTLY” how I feel?

I’m not saying you don’t know how bad it hurts to lose someone. But every situation is NOT the same. That’s TRUTH!

I do not get mad about things I cannot control. I have all of my feelings in check, 99% of the time. Everyone is entitled to one loss of control in their life, and no one was harmed in my situation.

I was asked the same question, over and over, and the responses I got were mostly “uh huh” and “yeah?”. Barely looking up from her phone.

I am unhappy with my session. I felt like it was very unprofessional.

Until next session… on a day I told her wouldn’t work for me… but she scheduled it anyway. Okay… GREAT!

I can tell you all one thing. I have had many opportunities to become an angry, pissy, grouchy, horrible human being, and I CHOOSE happiness. I choose NOT anger, as often as I can.


So, before you get mad and hate me for feeling glorious (I don’t really see that happening), let me explain.

Tonight, I went outside to run, for the first time in a while. I had it in my mind to do a 10 minute 30 second mile (average). I’ve only been running on treadmill, recently, and am averaging 9:30 minute miles. (Because it was inaccurate). I figured it was about a minute off per mile, but went with it, thinking, “okay. If my treadmill mile is 9:30 consistently, my outdoor mile will be about 10:30 consistently, and an unpaved trail will be closer to 11-12 minutes. Anyway.

I was listening to Macklemore.

So the lyrics to Macklemore’s songs strike me, quite often as

A: my thoughts.

B: Something Mitch would have said, or HAS said.

Here is one example:

🎶 I feel glorious, glorious

Got a chance to start again

I was born for this, born for this

It’s who I am, how could I forget?

I made it through the darkest part of the night

And now I see the sunrise

Now I feel glorious, glorious

I feel glorious, glorious 🎶

I feel like I was born to be strong. Period. In every way, imaginable. I am finally working on my physical strength, and I. Feel. GLORIOUS! My “chance to start again” is with my health. Mitch passing so young, from a natural cause, really woke me up, and made me get the fuck off of the couch. I am currently making it through the darkest night (the loss of Mitch) and there is sunrise! I find a ray and hold onto it.

I am here, hoping with all hope that I am helping one person see that the end of a life doesn’t mean the end of the world. It only means that we must grow stronger, and feel with everything we have. We must keep moving forward, because forward movement is progressive movement, and progressive movement is the only good movement.

Memories are great, and fantastic things. Pictures, videos, and scents.

Sometimes, I want to get lost in my memories of Mitch. I want to remember how warm and safe I felt, when he wrapped his arms around me. I want to feel his warmth, when I am cold, and tell him to get his stinky feet off of me.

Remember him, I will. Get lost, I will not. It’s very important for me to keep a level head, and a warm heart. It’s important to me, to be a person children can look up to, and see, that with the worst of changes, everything can and WILL work out. I want other widows or widowers to see that it is OK to find happiness, in whatever way they need, as long as they aren’t hurting people in their pursuit of happiness.

You want to speak to a crowd of people about your loss? MAKE IT HAPPEN!

You wish to write a book? MAKE IT HAPPEN!

You want to sign up for those races?! DO IT!

Life is too short for WHAT IFS!

Be the strong you see in your heroes. Be it mental, physical, or whatever other forms of strong there are. Find it within yourself, and nurture it!

You Got This!

You Have No Idea How I Feel, So Do Not Assume You Do.

Please forgive me as I rant.

You. Do. Not. Know. EXACTLY. How. I. Feel!

Never, ever say that to a widow! NEVER! I don’t care if you’re a widow, or if your ex husband died, or if your boyfriend died, or if your cousin’s cat died, you will never know exactly how I feel.

I am astounded by the people who have the audacity to say this, straight to my face!

1: If you know “exactly how I feel” you would never utter those fucking words.

I am NOT angry all of the time. So, please don’t assume that is an accurate statement. It actually takes a LOT to make me angry, and even then, I rarely react, outside of becoming silent, because I don’t want to say something I can’t take back, or I slam doors. Yes, I am aware that slamming doors is childish, but, I do it. Well, I DID it. I chose door slamming when I was young, because no one gets hurt, unless it’s me, because the door bounces back at me. Yes, that has happened. You won’t see me slamming them anymore, since I built up so much strength, and managed to put a hole in the wall last time.

So, here is the deal, and this doesn’t just apply to me. Hell, it doesn’t apply to only widows either, but it didn’t bother me until I became one. Never EVER assume you know EXACTLY how anyone feels! You don’t! And you never will.

I lost my husband-best friend-father to my child-hero in January of this year. It’s been a crazy year so far. I have gotten MAD 1 time. ONCE!

As I type this, I am not angry, I was irritated/annoyed when someone told me they knew how I felt, and have been in my shoes… When actually they haven’t. They were in their OWN shoes, under their own circumstances. Just because YOU were angry all of the time does not mean that’s how I feel.

Just because I disagree with how something is done, doesn’t mean I am mad about it. Disagreeing is a perfect part of life. It means freedom! Just because I am annoyed or not satisfied, does not equal anger. It means I don’t like it. Big deal.

And for the record, anger is a real emotion. It is an acceptable emotion. It is something everyone on this earth should know and feel every once in a while. Without knowing anger, you cannot fully understand all other emotions. It’s a part of who we are. It is a part of you that lets you know that something isn’t right! I mean, to be honest, if you never get angry, you might possibly be getting walked on.

I FULLY recognize that slamming doors isn’t really a good idea. Sure. Duh. But, it happened, and I am here, and I’ll be taking anger counseling for it, until I am cleared by the therapist. Good times.

Don’t slam doors, because you could damage property.

But ALWAYS stand up for yourself! ALWAYS! Do not let anyone make you do something that isn’t right. Just, handle it with grace, like I NORMALLY do. ❤️

Spending the Holidays “With” Your Deceased Spouse.

I’ve dreamed of Mitch, nearly every night for the last week.

In these dreams, we are discussing what to buy for Megan for Christmas, and “Has she ACTUALLY been good, this year?” (The answer is yes. She has been amazing, especially under the circumstances!)

I had one where we were ACTUALLY Christmas shopping. He was being his normal self, throwing things into the carts of unsuspecting strangers. He was also picking up ugly sweaters, and talking about how much he wanted one, this year. (Talked to a friend, and she suggested, without knowing this dream, to get a tiny ugly sweater for his urn! OMG! AMAZING IDEA!) He also got Michael (his brother) something that was ACTUALLY at Target, yesterday! So, naturally, I bought the damn thing for Michael Dale! So, brother-in-Law, your gift was ACTUALLY from my dream-Mitch. I hope you like it!

Last night’s dream was weird! It reminded me of a cross between Home Alone, and the movie that Kevin watches in home alone, along with something that has happened to me a few times, and Meg once. (Keep the change you filthy animal! Bang bang pew pew pow!)

Real: When I was in Nebraska, we were driving down the street, and the street lights flickered as we went under them, and then went dark.

Real: When Meg and I were driving down 95th street, the street lights went out as we drove under them! It was crazy!

In my dream, I was at a bar, it was decorated for Christmas, and we were drinking, and dancing, and having a good time. Meg was at home, with friends, and sent me a text. “Mom! Check the string of lights around the bottle of alcohol in the corner of the bar!”

I have no idea how she knew to look at it, but, I followed her direction, and looked at it. All the lights were out, except the red ones, Mitch’s favorite color. The red ones were flashing. (Maybe a mix of Stranger Things, too!) a stranger came up, and said “That’s Morse code!” And wrote it down. The lights were telling me to GO HOME NOW!

So, I paid my tab, and got an Uber. As the Uber drove towards my home, the street lights flickered and went out, as we went under each light.

I get home, and run inside, and up the stairs, to find Meg in her bay window (yes I have a house in this dream and it is huge and gorgeous!) pointing outside.

There is her father. Riding a bicycle, in circles around our culdesac (Mitch always wanted to live on a culdesac) He was carrying something. He looked kind of scary, then I realized it was because he looked exactly like his bitmoji cartoon. He pulled out a big gun, and started shooting up the neighbor’s home. He was laughing! Meg and I were horrified!

Then, he was gone! We ran outside to go see if the neighbors were okay. And when we stepped out, we looked up, and the neighbor’s house was decorated for Christmas, so beautifully, with no signs of gunfire. It wasn’t decorated prior to him “shooting” it up.

The gun was a special, Christmas gun. And I know, if Mitch were alive, and that thing were real, he would own it.

So, as far as the title of this blog goes, I feel like I am getting more time with Mitch, than I have been getting. We’ve been Christmas shopping, and going over Christmas lists, and he even reminded me to buy something that I had forgotten to get, for Megan! (I am aware these are dreams, so don’t go calling the crazy house!)

Life has been so busy. And it’s just going to keep moving. I have been blessed with the ability to remember my dreams, so I will cherish each and every dream I get to have of him.

Happiest of Holidays to you all.