New Experiences

I am flying for the first time, ever, today. I am currently sitting in the airport, after going through the bag check and everything.

My vagina set off the scanner.

Wow…

I had to be patted down, and my lady bits touched a bit. I guess you should never fly while on your period. ha!

All went well. She walked out and came back, and swiped my hands, to check for explosive stuff, residue.

Oh man. Then, I was standing there, and the one lady security guard said “you can calm down.” I was thinking, “I am pretty calm, actually. I wasn’t even worried, since I know I wasn’t carrying anything besides a pad in my underwear.

Mitch wanted to take me on a plane. He hated that I had never flown before. He swore he was going to buy us round trip/same day plane tickets so we could experience my first time, together.

Now, Meg and I are at the airport, about to fly for the first time, together. Mitch would be proud. We aren’t freaking out, externally. Neither one of us! I know she is freaking out on the inside, though. She is scared. But, so am I. I’ve never flown before, and I fear the unknown. But, I face it. How else do we get through life?

Without facing the fears of the unknown, we don’t learn. We don’t grow. We don’t discover new things.

I am renting a car. I have never been the one in charge of renting a car. I always just drive my car. And, when Mitch was alive, he was the one who took care of everything, so I never had to mess with any of it.

I’m doing it.

We are doing it.

I also remembered to bring Mitch’s ash, so we could take him out to the film sights. He was the one who wanted this trip, more than anything. We will leave him at the different film spots, and I will have a drink with him, tomorrow night.

He wanted to take Meg to Atlanta.  When he was alive, he suggested we find a race in Atlanta, so we could go. When I didn’t jump on that, he found out Walker Stalker Con was in ATL, one year and wanted to go. We couldn’t afford it, though, with taking the days off from work, to the money we would be spending to eat every day.

We never went.

This will be my second time visiting Georgia. Last year, it was a spur of the moment, “lets drive to GA” with 2 of my girlfriends and I. We hopped in my brand new car, after work, around 3:30-4pm, and took off. Drove through the night, slept for an our or 2, got up, ran a race, went for lunch, then drove home.

Not much time for site seeing.

I was okay with not seeing much of the City. I felt like I was cheating Meg of a trip that she was supposed to be on.

Now, we are doing it!

We will go to different Walking dead film sites. We are going to the school that is “Hawkins” Middle school. We are staying at the Hyatt. We have a rental car. We are flying.

We are doing this trip the right way. We are going to have fun, and enjoy a beautiful city.

We can’t wait to share our adventures with everyone!

And adventure season has begun!

 

 

Learning and Growing

 

As a widow, I know, it’s something we must all do. We must all learn and continue to grow as humans.

Our attitudes towards life and all that accompanies it, it what gets us to who we are, as humans. We can be good or we can be bad. Some of us are bad, and don’t even realize it. Some are so good, and don’t realize it.

Learning from the past is the best thing about being human. We know the outcome, once we have done something.

Think back to when you were a kid, and you heard someone say “if you mix vinegar and baking soda, it’ll bubble up, all over the place!”

Every single one of us HAD to try it out, as soon as we got home. It wasn’t something we were going to believe until we saw it with our own eyes.

As adults, it’s the same and its different. We learn how to balance our social life, family life, and work life. We have to LEARN it. It doesn’t come naturally, and it is not easy. So many times something or someone gets the shaft. It’s never intentional, as we are human, and we are continually learning. It’s a never-ending cycle of life, living and being.

Will we ever be who we are supposed to be, completely? Will we ever achieve complete self?

I don’t think so. I think with every part of life, we continue to grow.

I met a couple, recently. I was on a dating app, (yes, please don’t give me hell. It totally passes the time, and mostly makes me laugh, because some people are so incredibly ridiculous. But that’s a story for another time), and I matched up with this guy. He was kind of cute, and I swiped that I thought he was cute. He already liked me, so we matched up. I had to send the first message, and I did, because what could it hurt? I asked what he was looking for from that site, he said a friend with benefits. I chatted a bit more, and realized he was funny. He was kind of interesting. Then, a bomb was dropped.

“I have a girlfriend and we are in an open relationship.”

*GASP*

“I’m not into couples, man, but we can be friends.” Was what I told him. I was so curious, and always wanted to ask someone about how and why they chose to be in an open relationship. I asked so many questions, and he answered. He said “it’s human nature to want to have sex with multiple people.” I interjected, there. I told him that I was with the same man for sixteen and a half years, all the way up to the day he died, and never had the urge to actually step outside of our marriage for sex, so this boggled my mind.

I have zero interest in having a boyfriend/relationship with anyone, but making friends is fun. No kidding. They texted me one night, and asked if I wanted to meet them for dinner. I said sure, and headed to the restaurant.

I met her and him and we are all friends, now. I went out with them the other night, and ended up with them while they met another couple.

I promise. This is about growing. No, I am not sleeping with this couple, so no worries.

Here I am, the 5th wheel, curious as hell, about this new couple. Those of you who know me, know I can’t keep my mouth shut for too long, especially after I’ve had beer, and even worse, when I am curious. I really am curious.

This couple was cute. Adorable even! They seemed to be even more curious than I was. I could tell they were new to the “open thing” but didn’t want to ask, outright, because I am not dating these two either. ha!

I listened as the 4 talked about this and that, and life and their jobs, and all the small talk.  I was giggling inside. My friends were asking their new friends how long they had been together and how long they had been married. No one asked the question I was dying to know! So, I asked.

I leaned forward in my chair, and asked, “and, how long have you been open?”

All four heads swung my direction, like “did she just ask that?” After I asked, I wondered if it was a question you aren’t supposed to ask. Then, I realized I didn’t care if I was or wasn’t supposed to ask. I was curious, and they were adorable, and potentially going to date my friends. Or maybe just sleep with them? I don’t know? So, they responded.

They said, almost shyly, “um. one month?” So, I asked another question.

“How many dates have you had since becoming open?”

She had one, and he hadn’t had any.

I feel like, the encounter with these people, all four of them, is allowing my brain to grow, and become more accepting of a human beings.

I have learned that people can legitimately be in a relationship, and be completely committed, yet still have sex with other people. It may not be my idea of a perfect relationship, and it may not be your idea of a perfect relationship, but who cares? They are honest with each other, and they are honest with everyone they meet. If everyone knows everything, and everyone is agreeable, then why can’t they do what they want to do? Right?

I had never even thought of an open relationship as something people can manage to live with, however, after meeting this couple, and learning their ability to be 100% honest with each-other all the time, it made me believe that there are actually honest people in the world. And that’s fucking amazing!

I am not saying that my friends aren’t honest, or anything like that. So don’t get me wrong.

I just come from a group of people who are with one person, and sleeping with people outside of your current relationship is frowned upon, or looked down on. If one of my friend’s husbands slept with another woman, it would be considered “cheating” because it wouldn’t be known by both parties.

It is such a touchy topic, I know. But, I am a learner, and I am growing as a human being. I thoroughly enjoy other humans and learning the why behind who they are. I do not judge them, and I don’t degrade them. I embrace them. Of course, there are lines, ya know. Being of age and of the same consenting species are big musts. So please, don’t try to use that with this.

My favorite thing, in life, is meeting people, and hearing their stories. It’s fascinating to learn why people are the way they are.

I highly suggest, next time you encounter someone who believes differently than you do, or lives a lifestyle you can’t even imagine, to ask them questions. Learn about it. Open your mind to understand that just because they are different from you, doesn’t mean they are wrong. If it isn’t illegal, and isn’t hurting people, why should we get mad? Why should we have such strong feelings opposing people’s lifestyles?

 

Learn.

Grow.

Be a better human today, than you were yesterday.

Kindness Matters.

 

Deepest of Loves

Every single morning, before I leave my apartment, I open my daughter’s bedroom door, and trip my way to her bed, to kiss her, hug her, and tell her I love her, and wish her a great day.

Every morning.

I don’t care if I leave at 3:30am, to hit the gym, before work, or if it’s 9am on a Saturday, and I’m off to run errands.

This morning, as I walked into her room, my heart swelled bigger than any other time I’ve looked at her, recently.

She is so grown up, when she is awake. She is a teenager, through and through. She’s a smart ass. (wonder where she got that from?) She is so smart, and so funny, speaks fluent sarcasm, and basically, she is my favorite human being.

But today, when I walked into her bedroom, and she was laying, like a toddler, on her tummy, legs pulled in, and face to the side, all I could think was “my baby.”

So innocent, and beautiful, and in such a state that I could ALMOST pretend like she hasn’t gone through absolute hell, losing her father.

I don’t know how better to put into words the overwhelming love I have for my child. To protect her without hovering. To trust her to make the right decisions, and to come to me when she isn’t sure. To believe in her, 100%, and still help guide her without telling her what to do.

I never, in a million years, thought I would be a “single” widowed mom, of a teenager. Not JUST a teenager, but a teenage GIRL!

I always thought “oh thank God I have Mitch! He will be the perfect daddy through Meg’s years when she hates me!” Because there comes a point, in every teenage girl’s life that she hates her mom. Well, a majority.

So, what do I do now, if she gets to a point where she hates me?

I don’t have her dad, here. I mean, she could think “what would Dad do if he were here?” But, she IS a teenager.

I just know, without a doubt in my mind, I will go through hell and back as many times as I need to, to keep her safe. Period.

She has my whole heart.

All of it.

Every bit that’s left. It’s hers.

Dream Another Dream of You.

Last night, I had a dream that I was going to the Pink concert with a few of my friends. Some were guys and some were girls. We got into the arena, I scan the seats, and there, across the building, was Mitch!

I screamed his name. I jumped up and down, and yelled for him to look at me.

He never turned his head. He was watching the opening act. He was smiling. He was happy. But, he wasn’t acknowledging my presence. Maybe he just couldn’t hear me, or see me over everything else.

I saw him. I saw him in his happy state. Smiling. He was surrounded by thousands, yet standing solo in the arena, so easy to spot.

It was strange, that I dreamed of him, immediately after finding out that his idol (Kevin Smith) almost joined him in the beyond. I watched Kevin’s Facebook video of how he felt through the entire heart attack process he endured. I cried.

I felt like it was Mitch, speaking to me through Kevin Smith. Especially when it came to the point where he said “I felt a calm come over me, like it would be okay, if I died. I’ve had a great life! That’ll do Pig, that’ll do.”

That sounds like something Mitch would have said. He also said he didn’t want to take his underwear off to have his groin shaved, because “I don’t want anyone to see my tiny dick!” Also, something Mitch would have said. I just KNOW it! He always talked about having a tiny wiener, even though that wasn’t true.

My anger management update:

I have had 3 sessions, with this counselor and he is reading my blog. He is a very nice man and doesn’t believe I need anger counseling. He chuckles slightly when he asks the question he has to ask, “So, how is your anger?”

I will have 2 more sessions with him, then I will have completed my mandatory anger management.

My Second Valentine’s Day Without Mitch

This is my second valentine’s without Mitch.

It sucks, without him, but I am still very much alive.

I bought Meg some overpriced skittles in a heart shaped box, for her Valentine’s gift. I also bought her a bright pink Pink hoodie. I laughed and told her the shoes I bought were her vday gift to me! Haha. She said “no!”

I thank sweet baby Jesus that Mitch and I didn’t really care about Valentine’s Day, as adults. We didn’t care to celebrate, by spending money on cheap shit, just to say we bought this or that for each other. We would have rather spent the day together as a family followed by a night of sexy time. (Yeah, I said it!)

This year, no Horror movie date, or “quiet” time on Valentine’s night.

I have a night out, with my cousins planned for Saturday, and we are going to be the hottest trio of women in KC, Saturday night. (At least this is what I’m thinking.) we will be each-other’s dates to dinner and drinking at a live jazz club. I can’t wait for this long overdue cousin time.

There may be dancing with people. There may not be. I invited a man to crash ladies night. Not for anything serious, of course, but to have fun. If I’m going to dance with a man, this weekend, I want him to be gorgeous. Actor/celebrity level hot.

I’ve met 3 men in my life that meet that criteria. I married one, and loved every minute of it.

One is a friend, I met last year.

And one is a friend I met this year. The one I met this year, is the one I invited for Saturday. (No, I don’t want to marry him. No, don’t even want him to be my boyfriend, so don’t worry! Just a friend.)

But, interaction is fun, and I’m not going to pretend that I don’t want that, in my life. No one will EVER be Mitch, and I won’t even try to recreate that.

I’ve talked to Meg about how she feels about me going out with men, on dates and such. She said “I wouldn’t care.”

I really, truly, value our relationship, and our ability to talk about anything.

She was comfortable enough to come to me, and tell me about her relationship status. I am so happy that she was not scared or ashamed or anything. She knows that no matter what, I love and support her. (No murdering allowed, though, unless it was self defense!)

She knows I talk to guys, I know who she is “dating”. We have very open communication. I haven’t really shared with family that I am dating, because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve forgotten Mitch, because I have not. I never will.

Meg won’t meet the men I date, because that would be silly to introduce her to people who aren’t going to be around that long. I know that sounds bad, but I don’t mean it that way. I’m not going to meet the man of my dreams (because he died), so there’s no point in trying. Ya know? But going out, having dinner and drinks, and enjoying each-other’s company is something that I enjoy doing. I like meeting people. I like dancing, and dressing up, and having fun.

So, when I have opportunities, to hang out, and have fun, I will take them.

I’ve learned over the last year, that life really is short.

Have fun. Be happy. And DON’T take things too seriously. People will like you, or they won’t like you. Do not change who you are, to please people.

(This blog was written over a 24 hour span of write a bit-stop-write more-stop-write-sleep-write-work-write. It may be a mess, but, so is my life.)

Something Feels Off

I can’t pin it down, or figure it out, but something doesn’t feel right.

I’ve had this feeling of, almost, dread, for a week or so, now.

Like I have to puke, but I never do.

Like there’s a hollow place in my stomach.

Tension in my neck and back.

I feel light, and weird, almost like a kind of dizziness, and haven’t been able to write.

I haven’t been able to focus, on any given thing, for longer than 10 minutes, as my mind wonders off to this or that.

Maybe it’s my diet, this last week. I haven’t meal prepped, or cooked dinner in over a week. We have been eating out, every night, and you know that saying, “you are what you eat.”? I feel like crap. I’m getting back into routine, this week. I hope this feeling fades. I do not like it all all.

Dread. Impending doom. Anxiety? Fear? I don’t know where it’s coming from, or what the feeling ACTUALLY is, but I’ll be happy when it goes away.

I Did Something I Never Thought I’d Be Able To Do!

Today, after working and training, for 12 weeks, I ran an entire half marathon, without walking, at all.

I ran with a friend, who has been a friend since before Mitch passed, but we only became close, after he passed.

Her fiancé, also Mitch’s old neighbor, was there, cheering us at the finish line, along with a couple of other friends.

I was in awe of us. I could not believe we ran the whole thing. We had some problems that started around mile 11, but we pushed, and we made it!

At the finish line, we were being called out by name, by a friend who took over the DJ Mic, and was having fun with it.

But we accomplished something pretty awesome, today.

One year ago, today, I could not run a mile without stopping, to walk. Hell, 6 months ago, I couldn’t run more than a mile without walking!

So, today, when we managed 13.1 miles, without walking, I was so full of pride for both of us, Tina and me, that I didn’t really know how to express it.

Once it was time to wrap things up and we took all of our table down and left, I sat in my car, for about 20 minutes before I drove away.

I thought about Mitch. I imagined how he would have reacted, had he been at the finish line, today. I imagined he would have been very much like the husband that drove to different spots, and recorded and took pictures of his wife, through the entire race. I cried. I cried hard, and for a while.

I was overjoyed that I accomplished this feat, that I never imagined possible, and so overwhelmed with sadness, that he wasn’t here, physically, to catch me at the finish line.

He would have been so insanely impressed! He would have posted something onto social media about how “amazing” I was, because I did something so crazy.

I raced all last season, and only really thought about that a couple of times. He didn’t like watching at the obstacle races, because tics and bugs, but every time I did a 5k, he was there, cheering and taking photos, and being an amazing husband. How lucky was I?

Today, as amazing as it was, was pretty rough on my emotions.

I will survive.

I will become stronger.

I will keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I will continue to remember him, and speak his name. I will never let him be forgotten.

The One Year “Anniversary” of My Husband’s Untimely Death Has Left Me Numb.

It’s like it was in the beginning, almost.

Today was supposed to be a huge deal, where a bunch of us got together, and drove all over Kansas, to do the haunted Kansas tour.

No one came over.

Not even one person. My brother, and my brother in law, Michael were going to come, but I ended up just taking Meg to the doctor’s office, to have her checked for influenza and strep, since she’s been sick for a few days.

(She tested negative for strep and the office refused to test her for influenza, and my irritation with that is a discussion for another time.)

So, today turned out to be like any other day, except I had taken the day off, as a vacation day.

We went and got my taxes filed, had lunch, went to Dips and Sips, and basically just spent the day together.

We didn’t talk about Mitch, much. We talked about silly things he would have said or did, but not about him being gone.

I cannot believe it has been an entire year, since he passed on. It’s still hard for me to wrap my mind around it.

One year. A whole year. 365 days. My mind can not comprehend the amount of time he’s been gone.

It’s rough. It is so hard to be the good parent AND the mean parent at the same time. It’s hard to learn how to do it all by myself, follow a budget, pay the bills on time (thank god for autopay!), make sure Meg is staying caught up at school, make sure we have clean underwear, ALL the time. Food, drinks, meat out of he freezer so I can cook dinner. Little things and big things.

This life is hard.

I believed it was impossible.

I was wrong.

Very wrong.

I have fell into routine. I am very organized and efficient. I don’t dick around or beat around the bush about anything. If I feel something, I tell people. If I disagree, I say it. It doesn’t mean I’ll try to change your mind or hate you because we disagree. If you hurt my feelings, you’ll know it. If I think you’re being a child, I’ll tell you.

I ask people to treat me the same way.

Period.

If I’m acting like a spoiled rotten bitch, (yeah, it happens sometimes), just tell me to take it down a notch. Sometimes, and this is embarrassing) I don’t even realize it’s happening.

If I do or say something that hurts your feelings, TELL ME! My goodness, I would NEVER intentionally hurt someone, so please never let it stew!

I always used to tell Mitch, it was weird how when we were together, it was like there was never a time that we weren’t together. It was hard to remember life before Meg when she was born. We fell into such good sync and took the punches as they came.

I can’t say that the same is true now. I can remember, vividly, life with Mitch. But, the synchronization of life in general has shifted to a new dance. It’s working, and we are finding happiness in this post-Mitchell life.

We will always miss him. We will have mental breakdowns every once in a while, and that is okay! We have the most amazing support system in the universe.

I have decided, today, that come fall, I will enroll in school, to become a counselor or even a psychologist. I feel a pull toward this field. I feel like I will be able to help people, directly, this way.

I am really hoping to be able to do the entire course online.

So there’s a brief, look into my possible future.

With that said, I must go to sleep.

We made it, and we are stronger for it.

#OneFootInFrontOfTheOther

It Has Been a Year since I Held His Hand

It’s been a year, since I sat with Mitch, in the “man-cave”-turned family movie room.

We reclined our theatre seats, turned in the movie Beautiful, and watched.

Mitch, without fail, laughed at me, as I cried at all the points of the movie that I always cried at.

He held my hand, patted it when I got emotional. He laughed at me, but caused me to laugh too.

At the end of he movie, I jumped up, and ran upstairs, because I had to get up early the next morning, for a meeting at work.

Here we are, 1 day shy of a year from his death, and I had a mandatory staff meeting again.

As I sat, in unseen pain, and listened to my friend talk over the person speaking at the meeting, I reflected.

What I would give for one more.

One more kiss.

One more hug.

One more joke.

One more fight.

One more I love you.

I remember when Meg told me what his last words were, to her.

“I love you! See you later.”

No goodbyes.

Always a “See ya, later!”