Dream Another Dream of You.

Last night, I had a dream that I was going to the Pink concert with a few of my friends. Some were guys and some were girls. We got into the arena, I scan the seats, and there, across the building, was Mitch!

I screamed his name. I jumped up and down, and yelled for him to look at me.

He never turned his head. He was watching the opening act. He was smiling. He was happy. But, he wasn’t acknowledging my presence. Maybe he just couldn’t hear me, or see me over everything else.

I saw him. I saw him in his happy state. Smiling. He was surrounded by thousands, yet standing solo in the arena, so easy to spot.

It was strange, that I dreamed of him, immediately after finding out that his idol (Kevin Smith) almost joined him in the beyond. I watched Kevin’s Facebook video of how he felt through the entire heart attack process he endured. I cried.

I felt like it was Mitch, speaking to me through Kevin Smith. Especially when it came to the point where he said “I felt a calm come over me, like it would be okay, if I died. I’ve had a great life! That’ll do Pig, that’ll do.”

That sounds like something Mitch would have said. He also said he didn’t want to take his underwear off to have his groin shaved, because “I don’t want anyone to see my tiny dick!” Also, something Mitch would have said. I just KNOW it! He always talked about having a tiny wiener, even though that wasn’t true.

My anger management update:

I have had 3 sessions, with this counselor and he is reading my blog. He is a very nice man and doesn’t believe I need anger counseling. He chuckles slightly when he asks the question he has to ask, “So, how is your anger?”

I will have 2 more sessions with him, then I will have completed my mandatory anger management.

My Second Valentine’s Day Without Mitch

This is my second valentine’s without Mitch.

It sucks, without him, but I am still very much alive.

I bought Meg some overpriced skittles in a heart shaped box, for her Valentine’s gift. I also bought her a bright pink Pink hoodie. I laughed and told her the shoes I bought were her vday gift to me! Haha. She said “no!”

I thank sweet baby Jesus that Mitch and I didn’t really care about Valentine’s Day, as adults. We didn’t care to celebrate, by spending money on cheap shit, just to say we bought this or that for each other. We would have rather spent the day together as a family followed by a night of sexy time. (Yeah, I said it!)

This year, no Horror movie date, or “quiet” time on Valentine’s night.

I have a night out, with my cousins planned for Saturday, and we are going to be the hottest trio of women in KC, Saturday night. (At least this is what I’m thinking.) we will be each-other’s dates to dinner and drinking at a live jazz club. I can’t wait for this long overdue cousin time.

There may be dancing with people. There may not be. I invited a man to crash ladies night. Not for anything serious, of course, but to have fun. If I’m going to dance with a man, this weekend, I want him to be gorgeous. Actor/celebrity level hot.

I’ve met 3 men in my life that meet that criteria. I married one, and loved every minute of it.

One is a friend, I met last year.

And one is a friend I met this year. The one I met this year, is the one I invited for Saturday. (No, I don’t want to marry him. No, don’t even want him to be my boyfriend, so don’t worry! Just a friend.)

But, interaction is fun, and I’m not going to pretend that I don’t want that, in my life. No one will EVER be Mitch, and I won’t even try to recreate that.

I’ve talked to Meg about how she feels about me going out with men, on dates and such. She said “I wouldn’t care.”

I really, truly, value our relationship, and our ability to talk about anything.

She was comfortable enough to come to me, and tell me about her relationship status. I am so happy that she was not scared or ashamed or anything. She knows that no matter what, I love and support her. (No murdering allowed, though, unless it was self defense!)

She knows I talk to guys, I know who she is “dating”. We have very open communication. I haven’t really shared with family that I am dating, because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve forgotten Mitch, because I have not. I never will.

Meg won’t meet the men I date, because that would be silly to introduce her to people who aren’t going to be around that long. I know that sounds bad, but I don’t mean it that way. I’m not going to meet the man of my dreams (because he died), so there’s no point in trying. Ya know? But going out, having dinner and drinks, and enjoying each-other’s company is something that I enjoy doing. I like meeting people. I like dancing, and dressing up, and having fun.

So, when I have opportunities, to hang out, and have fun, I will take them.

I’ve learned over the last year, that life really is short.

Have fun. Be happy. And DON’T take things too seriously. People will like you, or they won’t like you. Do not change who you are, to please people.

(This blog was written over a 24 hour span of write a bit-stop-write more-stop-write-sleep-write-work-write. It may be a mess, but, so is my life.)

Something Feels Off

I can’t pin it down, or figure it out, but something doesn’t feel right.

I’ve had this feeling of, almost, dread, for a week or so, now.

Like I have to puke, but I never do.

Like there’s a hollow place in my stomach.

Tension in my neck and back.

I feel light, and weird, almost like a kind of dizziness, and haven’t been able to write.

I haven’t been able to focus, on any given thing, for longer than 10 minutes, as my mind wonders off to this or that.

Maybe it’s my diet, this last week. I haven’t meal prepped, or cooked dinner in over a week. We have been eating out, every night, and you know that saying, “you are what you eat.”? I feel like crap. I’m getting back into routine, this week. I hope this feeling fades. I do not like it all all.

Dread. Impending doom. Anxiety? Fear? I don’t know where it’s coming from, or what the feeling ACTUALLY is, but I’ll be happy when it goes away.

I Did Something I Never Thought I’d Be Able To Do!

Today, after working and training, for 12 weeks, I ran an entire half marathon, without walking, at all.

I ran with a friend, who has been a friend since before Mitch passed, but we only became close, after he passed.

Her fiancé, also Mitch’s old neighbor, was there, cheering us at the finish line, along with a couple of other friends.

I was in awe of us. I could not believe we ran the whole thing. We had some problems that started around mile 11, but we pushed, and we made it!

At the finish line, we were being called out by name, by a friend who took over the DJ Mic, and was having fun with it.

But we accomplished something pretty awesome, today.

One year ago, today, I could not run a mile without stopping, to walk. Hell, 6 months ago, I couldn’t run more than a mile without walking!

So, today, when we managed 13.1 miles, without walking, I was so full of pride for both of us, Tina and me, that I didn’t really know how to express it.

Once it was time to wrap things up and we took all of our table down and left, I sat in my car, for about 20 minutes before I drove away.

I thought about Mitch. I imagined how he would have reacted, had he been at the finish line, today. I imagined he would have been very much like the husband that drove to different spots, and recorded and took pictures of his wife, through the entire race. I cried. I cried hard, and for a while.

I was overjoyed that I accomplished this feat, that I never imagined possible, and so overwhelmed with sadness, that he wasn’t here, physically, to catch me at the finish line.

He would have been so insanely impressed! He would have posted something onto social media about how “amazing” I was, because I did something so crazy.

I raced all last season, and only really thought about that a couple of times. He didn’t like watching at the obstacle races, because tics and bugs, but every time I did a 5k, he was there, cheering and taking photos, and being an amazing husband. How lucky was I?

Today, as amazing as it was, was pretty rough on my emotions.

I will survive.

I will become stronger.

I will keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I will continue to remember him, and speak his name. I will never let him be forgotten.

The One Year “Anniversary” of My Husband’s Untimely Death Has Left Me Numb.

It’s like it was in the beginning, almost.

Today was supposed to be a huge deal, where a bunch of us got together, and drove all over Kansas, to do the haunted Kansas tour.

No one came over.

Not even one person. My brother, and my brother in law, Michael were going to come, but I ended up just taking Meg to the doctor’s office, to have her checked for influenza and strep, since she’s been sick for a few days.

(She tested negative for strep and the office refused to test her for influenza, and my irritation with that is a discussion for another time.)

So, today turned out to be like any other day, except I had taken the day off, as a vacation day.

We went and got my taxes filed, had lunch, went to Dips and Sips, and basically just spent the day together.

We didn’t talk about Mitch, much. We talked about silly things he would have said or did, but not about him being gone.

I cannot believe it has been an entire year, since he passed on. It’s still hard for me to wrap my mind around it.

One year. A whole year. 365 days. My mind can not comprehend the amount of time he’s been gone.

It’s rough. It is so hard to be the good parent AND the mean parent at the same time. It’s hard to learn how to do it all by myself, follow a budget, pay the bills on time (thank god for autopay!), make sure Meg is staying caught up at school, make sure we have clean underwear, ALL the time. Food, drinks, meat out of he freezer so I can cook dinner. Little things and big things.

This life is hard.

I believed it was impossible.

I was wrong.

Very wrong.

I have fell into routine. I am very organized and efficient. I don’t dick around or beat around the bush about anything. If I feel something, I tell people. If I disagree, I say it. It doesn’t mean I’ll try to change your mind or hate you because we disagree. If you hurt my feelings, you’ll know it. If I think you’re being a child, I’ll tell you.

I ask people to treat me the same way.


If I’m acting like a spoiled rotten bitch, (yeah, it happens sometimes), just tell me to take it down a notch. Sometimes, and this is embarrassing) I don’t even realize it’s happening.

If I do or say something that hurts your feelings, TELL ME! My goodness, I would NEVER intentionally hurt someone, so please never let it stew!

I always used to tell Mitch, it was weird how when we were together, it was like there was never a time that we weren’t together. It was hard to remember life before Meg when she was born. We fell into such good sync and took the punches as they came.

I can’t say that the same is true now. I can remember, vividly, life with Mitch. But, the synchronization of life in general has shifted to a new dance. It’s working, and we are finding happiness in this post-Mitchell life.

We will always miss him. We will have mental breakdowns every once in a while, and that is okay! We have the most amazing support system in the universe.

I have decided, today, that come fall, I will enroll in school, to become a counselor or even a psychologist. I feel a pull toward this field. I feel like I will be able to help people, directly, this way.

I am really hoping to be able to do the entire course online.

So there’s a brief, look into my possible future.

With that said, I must go to sleep.

We made it, and we are stronger for it.


It Has Been a Year since I Held His Hand

It’s been a year, since I sat with Mitch, in the “man-cave”-turned family movie room.

We reclined our theatre seats, turned in the movie Beautiful, and watched.

Mitch, without fail, laughed at me, as I cried at all the points of the movie that I always cried at.

He held my hand, patted it when I got emotional. He laughed at me, but caused me to laugh too.

At the end of he movie, I jumped up, and ran upstairs, because I had to get up early the next morning, for a meeting at work.

Here we are, 1 day shy of a year from his death, and I had a mandatory staff meeting again.

As I sat, in unseen pain, and listened to my friend talk over the person speaking at the meeting, I reflected.

What I would give for one more.

One more kiss.

One more hug.

One more joke.

One more fight.

One more I love you.

I remember when Meg told me what his last words were, to her.

“I love you! See you later.”

No goodbyes.

Always a “See ya, later!”

Diary of a Widow

I should have started this one on 1/1/18, but it didn’t strike me until today. Rather than posting a blog every day, I’m going to make shorter journal type entries, all in the same entry, and post today.


I woke up this morning, feeling like I slept like a rock! Great sleep! I rolled out of bed, and looked through my “on this day”.

Mitch was there.

I scroll, and last year, the last January 8th I’d have with Mitch, was a picture of my refrigerator contents, captioned “when your hubby is broken, you’re a good wife and meal prep for the whole family.” That was like a knife through the heart. I hadn’t realized he was hurting for as long as he was.

Then, I scroll and January 8th of 2012, Mitch blew up my Facebook, and I remember this. He was doing it to make my phone bing with notifications.

So, as I was thinking back in the fond memories, another memory snuck into my mind, and I nearly hit the floor.

I remember I laughed, the same day that Mitch died. I LAUGHED! Not at his death, or at the fact that he died, no.

I was on the phone with Midwest transplant, answering questions, and I couldn’t remember the PAs last name, that Mitch had been seeing, for his knee. I remembered someone told me his name in English was “Vagina Helmet”, and so I told the transplant lady that, and laughed!

I was sitting in front of most of the immediate family, and most of the best friends, and LAUGHED!

I felt like a horrible human being.



I woke up feeling like a million bucks! I meal prepped yesterday, so I have lunches, snacks, and dinners for most of the week.

As I prepped, I remembered the year before. I remember cutting up the celery, a year ago. I remember washing and slicing the strawberries, and cleaning the grapes. I remember taking Mitch a giant bowl of grapes, so he could have a snack on the couch.

I remember a year ago, thinking “this isn’t fair!” I was so tired, and I just wanted Mitch to feel better! I felt like that was asking for too much.

I really had no idea what “tired” really was. Not for a couple more weeks.

2 years ago, Mitch bought me some scratcher tickets. That was a fun time!

5 years ago, today, I was listening to Mitch and my wedding song. Guess what happened? It started playing as I scrolled through Facebook, without my touching “play”

That’s all for today.


Today, Mitch wasn’t in my “on this day”. It was kind of disappointing. He didn’t even respond to things I posted in the last, involving him.



Mitch was all over my memories feed. It was like “whoa! Did he see this? Did he read my mind?”

His humor is what most people knew and loved about him. I took a little screen video of a post and the comments. I can’t say that I wasn’t laughing out loud at 5:15am.

people's spelling/grammar, etc. one of his favorites was your and you're. Ha!


Now, some more pictures from 1/11/2018, that made me smile!

ld be. He was the definition of the perfect husband, and the perfect father, and I miss him.


It's getting closer. It's less than 2 weeks now, until 1 year. People talk about restaurant week, and that was something I tried to talk him into doing with me, but he was too tired. It is crazy the things that spark your memories. It's like it was days ago.


I went to a friend's house, last night, for games and drinks. I took a friend I met back in April, at warrior dash. He drank a bit, as well, so I made him sleep on the couch.

I found that I am nearly too old to play drinking games, and survive. I'll stick to non-drinking card games, from now on. Where it took Mitch a bottle of liquor to show any signs of drunkenness, it takes me about 3 beers. I do not need help, by a game telling me to chug. Ha. I mastered the art of "pretending to chug".

Next party will be at my place!

Mitch totally would have made fun of me, and made me drink it all. But then, he would have been there, at my side, rubbing my back, keeping my hair from my face, and puke, and handing me a bottle of water to rinse my mouth out with.

My stomach has been in twisted knots since January 1st. And that hasn't changed.

Today, is a mommy/Megan day, even though her friend will probably be staying the night tonight.

My schedule is so full of all kinds of stuff, I feel like we are never home. I just want to sit with Meg, her head in my lap, while I play with her hair. Like before. Like when everything was normal. Even if it's just for 5 minutes.

My thoughts are all over the place today.


Today, I woke up, and there was a tiny bit of Mitch in my on this day, but I had so much more fun after charging one of his very old phones, and scrolling through the photos.

It was so much of his personality, just bursting through every photo, and every meme, and every download. There were videos, and everything!

I wish I was tech savvy enough to get the videos onto this phone, so I can share them here.

I have been in a world of awe, today. I've organized my desk and my calendar for bills. I am getting on my game, because this year is going to be insane!

Meg and I are going to make this year memorable, and fun, and amazing!

Accepting that my life is what it is is what helps me get through every day. Even though I hate that Mitch is gone, it is fact that he won't be home to hold me, or kiss me, or make me dinner.

One foot in front of the other.


10 days in 9 days it will be a year since I last held my husband's hand. 9 days. 10 days and it'll be a year since I saw him laying in bed, next to me.


Last night, I signed up for a membership to Planet fitness, so I can go to the gym before work. $10/mo for a year. Okay. Sure. Why the hell not, right?

This morning, I woke up at 3:30, so I could go to the gym. It was lovely!

I nearly freaked out when Meg still hadn't answered her phone, by 1pm. (Teenagers!) Many of you may not know this about me, or about my situation. I have mini panic attacks when I call someone I love, and they don't answer. To let you inside of my head, I called Mitch for 30 minutes straight, the day he died. Call, ring until VM, end, call, ring until VM, end… over and over and over. And when I pulled up to his work, I stopped calling, and found out moments later that he had died.

I know it isn't something that most people understand, and for the love of all things, I don't want anyone to understand, because that would mean you've lost someone you love.

I know I shouldn't panic, but I do, because when I called and called Mitch, I was angry. I was so sure he was cheating on me, and I was going to let him know that I knew!

And I couldn't have been more wrong.

I kick myself for getting mad at him, without a real reason.

I feel like this is probably the reason why I don't hang onto anger, anymore. I get angry, so don't get confused. But I don't assume, or hang on to that anger, anymore.

So, I'll be okay, with minor panic attacks, when my kid doesn't answer the phone.

1/17/2018-No Entry

1/18/2018- No Entry

e days that I was in a generally good mood, but kept having memories assault me, through the day.

When I woke up, I opened the "on this day" on Facebook, and exactly one year ago, I danced around my living room, kissing my husband, grinding my body on him (aka "freak dancing") and laughing. I also nearly cried that night, because he wasn't coming out with me, to have dinner with work friends. I was sad that he was too tired to come, but excited to go out with my work family.

I don't feel guilty about going out without him. I feel sad that I didn't spend that night with him, because he died 6 days later. I could have had one more evening with him.

I did bring him food, from the restaurant we went to. He said it was disgusting, but was glad I had fun and thought about him.

Tonight, Meg and I went to Cheddar's for dinner. That place is so jam packed full of Mitch memories, it almost hurts.

me going there, he was in awe of the fans above our heads. He thought they looked so cool and original. I remember the time we all three went, and the waitress tried to befriend Meg and talked her into trying the spinach dip. I remember when we went out with a group, and Aunt Cindy was there, and Brady, and we ate, and laughed, and had a great time. I remember Mitch and I arguing about letting Meg cut her own steak, when she would get up to go to the bathroom. I told him to give her the damn knife, she needed to learn someday, and he refused, and would cut it up for her, all the time.

So, today, when we sat down at Cheddar's, I ordered an Arnold Palmer, and the server said "um… I'm gonna guess that is an alcoholic beverage?" And I started laughing! Mitch used to get onto me about ordering an "Arnold Palmer, half iced tea half lemonade". He thought I sounded rude, because "every server knows what that is, Tabbie!"

I told Meg I wished Mitch was there, so I could tell him "I told you so!" She laughed, and agreed.

I'll sleep tonight. Maybe I will dream of him, and maybe I won't. But I will sleep in my bed, with my "cuddle pillow", instead of my husband. And, for how NOT okay that is, I will be fine. I will continue to move forward, making every step I take, count for something good.


A year ago was the last time we attended a party together. I drank a whole bottle of white wine, and then some. We were at my friend's girlfriend's house. We played games and everyone loved Mitch. He wasn't feeling well, and had to work the next morning.

I remember he complained that he couldn't sleep, but it had nothing to do with noise. I went up to lay with him, because sometimes that would help him fall asleep. Well, laying with him and/or having sex… But sex wasn't happening, as I quickly felt the urge to vomit, as soon as I laid in the bed.

He followed me to the bathroom, rubbed my back, held a cool cloth to my head, and wiped the vomit away from my lips. He poured me a cup of water, and handed me a tube of toothpaste. He knew what I liked, and how to get the puking to stop.

He was my hero. Always my hero. But looking back, he couldn't sleep, because it's a part of heart distress. I read about it, shortly after he died. So here he was, literally dying, but taking care of me. If that isn't the definition of a hero, I don't know what is.


Mitch went to work that Saturday morning, after taking care of me, into the wee hours of the morning. He came back to my friend's to pick me up.

The drive home was awful, for me. I ended up making him pull over, so I could vomit more! He threw a bottle of water out of the opened passenger door, as I knelt in the street and puked into the grass between the curb and sidewalk in some upscale JOCO neighborhood. We laughed so hard about that, later that day. A jogger went by me, as I wretched.

The things we found amusing.


I sat thinking today, about the night/early morning when Mitch proposed to me. We were playing Circle of Death, at outlet friend's apartment, underage.

We played. We were trashed. The rule card "never have I ever" came up, and Mitch or someone said "Never have I ever slept with a woman, (or had a threesome)"… And I drank. Because I had.

Mitch's face turned bright red. He put his drink down, and walked out the front door of the apartment. It was a couple of hours before we saw him. He bypassed me, and went straight into the bathroom, locked the door, and wouldn't talk to anyone.

When he finally allowed me into the bathroom, he kept a towel over his face, because he didn't want to talk to me, or see me, in that moment.

I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and let him calm down, further.

He came out, while I was lighting my second cigarette. He brought one to smoke too.

His face was still red, and his eyes glassy. He sat down next to me and grabbed my hand.

He looked me in my face, and said "From this day forward, let's just leave the past in the last, and start our future together. Are you okay with that?"

I responded, with my head down, "yes. I am."

Then he grabbed my chin, to make me look at him, gently. He told me "I love you, more than I ever thought possible. I want to spend my entire life with you. Will you marry me?"

I cried. There was no ring. There was nothing but his words. His amazing, heartfelt words of love and acceptance.

So here I sit, crying about how he proposed, and knowing that I will NEVER forget it. Never!


There was nothing in my Facebook memories with Mitch, except a post he made 5 years ago, about me being able to go to the gym without telling everyone about it. It made me laugh, because I forgot to set my alarm, for this morning, so I could go to the gym, and run. I was going to post it on Facebook. Ha! It's on, for tomorrow!

As the days creep closer and closer, I don't understand the lightness I feel. I miss him. I still, very much love him.

I have a feeling he is happier than any one of us. Happy, healthy, and free.

Here's what was next to my coffee maker this morning.

The Last Day’s of His Life.

The last few days of Mitch’s life are engrained in my brain, as if I was supposed to remember.

I remember the party we went to, where he couldn’t fall asleep, and took care of me while I puked forever. He had to get up and go to work the next morning, but I made him feel so guilty about missing dinner with friends, that he came. He had fun and enjoyed meeting my work family.

The work family enjoyed his presence as well.

I remember within his last few days we watched How to lose a guy in 10 days and he commented on how much he loved that movie. How underrated that movie was. He even teared up at the end.

I remember family movie night the Tuesday night, about 12 hours before he died.

I remember what he wanted for dinner, that Tuesday night.

I remember him commenting about how his chest hurt, but how he thought it was his muscles being sore from coughing so much.

I remember that Tuesday, before movie time, he laid his head in my lap, and closed his eyes. I was playing the slots game, so I could win enough coins to get us a free weekend in a hotel in Vegas, for 2017 vacation.

I remember tripping over clothes and a dog, to kiss Mitch goodbye that Wednesday morning.

It’s like a flood of memories.

I can’t believe it’s been almost an entire year, that I’ve managed to put one foot in front of the other. One step, one leap, one face-plant at a time.

He explained to Meg that I was one of the strongest people he has ever met, because I am empathetic, always. He said “The strongest people are the ones who cry during movies, because they can put themselves into the shoes of the characters, and FEEL what they are portraying, and not everyone can do that, but your mom can.” Ugh! Like he was unknowingly preparing her for the strength I was about to have to take on. For the strength SHE was about to have to have.

This is Out of Left Field.

I was talking to someone today, and she asked “don’t you get nervous when you meet new people?”

I thought about it, and no, I don’t . I used to get extremely nervous when meeting new people. I mean, so nervous about will they like me? What if they don’t like me? What can I do to ensure they like me?

Since Mitch passed, I’ve changed in that way. I don’t care if you like me.

Now, I just meet people, and I am me. I am 100% me, and really don’t care if they like me or not. I finally figured out, if people don’t like me, for who I am, they’re not worth my worries. I won’t go out of my way, to make you like me. That’s a terrible precedent to set.

I am not going to be the person who tells you what you WANT to hear. No. No. I will be the person to tell you what you NEED to hear. I am up front, honest, and sometimes blunt.

Meeting new people is fun! I love to learn about people. I love to hear their stories, or learn their belief system, or sexual life preferences. I enjoy learning new and interesting things, and what better way to learn these things, than to meet other, authentic, unique, extraordinary humans?

So, again, no way! I don’t get nervous, when I meet new people. I get EXCITED!

Yes. I am seriously a weirdo, but, most of you already know this.

I was invited out, with a couple of new friends, for New Year’s Eve. I ended up staying close to home and spending it with friends and Meg, because that was much more important to me.

But, I was invited to a swinger’s club!

I would have people-watched so hard my eyeballs would have been rolling on the floor. I can people watch, anytime, though.

I will spend holidays with Meg. ❤️

But the next chance I get, that isn’t a holiday or a planned hangout with Meg, or a race, I am going to said club, with said friends, and checking that shit out. People-Watching to the MAX! I’ll bring popcorn.

Venture outside of your comfort zone, and see what you can learn! You may learn that you have ZERO interest in such a lifestyle, and that is OKAY! But, at least you checked it out first, right? You LEARN something from every encounter you have. Remember that, always!

Goodnight, all.