2 Years: Loss Through the Eyes of a 14 Year Old Girl

So, I’ve been asked, multiple times, by multiple people how Megan is doing, when is she going to start writing, etc.

She wrote something, today.

I leave you with this.

two years ago, my whole life changed. Well close to it. I was at school one day, just enjoying myself, having fun, and talking with friends. I was going to go to a mathletics party that day, instead one of my closest’s friend’s mom picked me up. I was extremely confused, and she didn’t tell me what was going on. I realized she was driving me to Brady’s house, now I was really confused. I got inside and said to my mom “I was at a PARTY and I liked it” or something along the lines of that. Everyone in the room (Brady, Katy, and my mom I think) looked extremely sad. I immediately stopped laughing and was even more confused. My mom told me to sit down and pointed to my smsd pin I got from school that said “kindness matters” or something like that. Me, still confused, didn’t say anything. My mom started crying again, and told me that my dad has passed. I shut down, and started crying. Crying harder than I EVER can remember. I’ve had nightmares about this kind of stuff happening before, but never did I ever think it would actually happen. Katy Wood (his sister) was also there, she was crying. I remember telling her “it’ll be okay” (something like that) and I hugged her. Everyone was at Brady’s house, I stayed in their guest room because I don’t like being around so many people, especially when they’re sad. I was in a group chat on my iPad for school, and I told them about it. My friend Triniti stayed home from school to stay with me, because I’m not a big fan of being alone.

These past 2 years have been stressful, sad, adventurous, and exciting. Me and my mom have went out of the state many times, and poured beer on my dad’s ash, because he always wanted to drink a beer in every state, so we’re letting him do that. To this day, I miss him still, I’ll have nights where I still cry about it.

In the past (around a year, a year and a half ago) I used to be like “hey when’s dad gonna come home” and then I would get sad, realizing that he wouldn’t. I’m nearly crying in my third hour class typing all of this out, but it was worth it.

Dating, Alcohol, Sex, and the not so Average Widow.

I mentioned before, about how a majority of men are either scared to date a widow, or they are all about it. I talked about how they are scared, because a widow will be attached too quickly, because she is used to being married. And I talked about the ideas that a lot of men have, about widows and being horny, or “thirsty” is the term I’ve heard.

For me, I dated a bit, because I wanted to have fun. I am still young. I am still a sexually functioning human, and I do quite enjoy having sex. However, I am not “thirsty”. I can live without it, for a while. Sex isn’t a necessary thing.

Now, I know, I may turn some heads, or upset people, or I may have people say things along the lines of “OMG! Yes, girl!” With this blog. I have to make it known.

I went into the dating scene, with my head on, a little askew. I was fine with that, though. I wasn’t looking for a replacement for my husband (I never will), I wasn’t looking a boyfriend, (so much work involved with that), and I wasn’t trying to keep any one guy for very long. I wasn’t interested in “catching feelings”, so the way to avoid that, was to not sleeping with the same guy for a long time.

Now, I had a “young one”, who was good at keeping things separate, for sure. He was around for about 7 months. Then, one day, my feelings were hurt, when he paid no attention to me. *GASP* right? I had to remove that situation from my life.

I met another man. A very sweet, very dorky man. I liked him. A lot. He, quite literally, was the opposite of everything I look for, physically, in a man. We met at a race. We all met up after a race, at a brewery, and had a few drinks. I had 2 and needed to sit a little while longer, before driving home. Everyone left, except him. He said he would stay with me, so I could drink my water and get home safely.

I should have never started anything with him. I knew it would be a bad idea. It was fun, while it lasted, though.

I honestly remember laying in bed with him, with my head on his chest, thinking, “I should call it off, right now. RIGHT NOW!”

I didn’t listen to my inner voice. Sometimes, I am not very bright. That’s okay, though.

One night, we were texting (because that’s the only way anyone every communicates these days), and he told me that he met a couple online, and they wanted to meet him… And he was seriously thinking about doing it.

I was hurt. I couldn’t understand why, if a person tells you that you’re great, fantastic, perfect, love spending time with you, etc, someone would continue looking elsewhere for sex. I still don’t understand that. After I told him he could go to them, or he could continue with me, but he couldn’t have both, he swore I was enough, and he’d rather just chill with me anyway.  We hung out, one more time, and I knew were weren’t going to continue the benefits part of our friendship. He was weird, like I trapped him or guilted him into hanging out with me. (how I felt he behaved) He didn’t answer his texts like he normally did, and when he would answer, they were 1-4 word responses (not normal for him). I called it off. I said no more and told him to go live his life, and not to let me hold him back. (there’s more to this story, but it’s getting too long). So, I chose to end the benefits part of that friendship, before he did something stupid, and we are still friends.

I felt a bit unworthy after that happened, simply because I was made to feel like I wasn’t enough for someone. I really started to feel down about it. Like, I even cried a couple times. Ugh. I hate admitting that.

So, the point to the very long story was this. I came to a realization. I realized I have a part of me back, that I didn’t think would come back. I didn’t think I would ever want to be in a relationship again. Not after losing Mitch. Not after having my heart shattered into millions upon millions of pieces, with his death.

But I do. One day, I do. Coming into this realization, I decided to stop seeing people, at all. I deleted the dating apps from my phone and  I am not pushing the dating scene. I am just focusing on my health and my family, and my career.

Sex is great, but sex with someone who cares so very deeply for you, and wants to be with you, regularly (and the feeling is mutual) is so much more satisfying.

I know, I put alcohol in the title. I had gotten to a point where I was drinking every weekend, and sometimes during the week. Not because I felt like I needed to be drunk or anything, but just because I had someone to drink with. It had become so frequent, though. I felt like it was a bit much.

I quit drinking so regularly. My last alcoholic beverage was at midnight New Year’s eve/New year’s celebratory champagne. I may have a couple at bigger events, like our big KCOCR season kickoff party next weekend. But, I’ll only have one because I found spiked sparkling water! (low sugar, low carbs, low everything!) Since I am focusing more on my health and ocr training, alcohol isn’t a thing I feel like I need. It hinders the ability to become a better athlete, so, as little as possible is best.

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Feeling Like You’re Not Enough

We have all been there. There are times in our lives, when we feel broken down, or like we aren’t enough for someone.

We need to remind ourselves that we are enough. We are absolutely enough, and we don’t need the approval of others.

Recently I was in a situation, in which I didn’t want to do certain things and the person who was asking, decided I wasn’t enough.

I’m not going to lie.

It hurt.

I woke up, every night, for 5 nights straight, in a panic, wondering why I wasn’t enough. What have I don’t wrong? What could I do to be enough?

Reality is this: I don’t want to do ANYTHING to “become enough” for anyone. If I’m not what you’re looking for, as a friend, a lover, girlfriend, or future wife, that is OKAY! There’s someone out there for you!

I decided to actually end things, so that no one was truly hurt, in the long run. It would have really sucked to have lost a friend, as well.

No, I don’t want to have orgies. I’m not into that. (Just exaggerating here) No, I do not share my partner. I will not compromise.

I will not allow my friends to make stupid choices, like getting that cookie dough when you’re on a very strict weight loss path.

I’m helpful and forceful like that. If that’s not what you want as a friend, that’s okay. (Don’t let unhealthy YOU win! 😉)

I am a big cheerleader, when it comes to my friends and family hitting their goals. I will cheer for you, and I will call you out. I won’t let you fail.

With all of that said, I came across this blog, this morning, that had me in tears.

It’s titled “An Open Letter To The Future Man Dating my Wife.”

I read it through the voice of my husband, and I cried. It really took every doubt I had, about myself and who I am as a prospective girlfriend/lover/wife, and wiped them out. I was absolutely, 100% ENOUGH for the most amazing man that I’ve ever met, for SIXTEEN AND A HALF YEARS! There’s nothing wrong with me. And I don’t mean this as a bad thing on anyone else, but I am sorry, for you, if I am not enough for you. Mitch thought I was worth it, and that’s what keeps me going.

One day, I’ll meet someone new, who will find me to be “enough.”

I am not looking. I have deleted my dating apps. I have decided to focus more on NOT seeing guys, and NOT dating, and putting all myself into my child and me, along with my family and friends.

Dating me won’t be easy. I come with a lot of “baggage”. Can I call it Luggage? Luggage is more of a happy word. Because my marriage was wonderful. My daughter is my favorite human, in the whole world. Those two will forever be an amazing part of me. The two major parts that sculpted me into who I have become, and I will be forever grateful for their presence in my life. Even when I wanted to choke them!

A Year in Review:2018 Goals:2019

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This year has been amazing. Megan and I started the traveling year out, by flying (for the first time ever!) to Atlanta for a Savage race, and a long, touristy fun filled weekend. We visited many film sites and ate local foods/restaurants. We had so much fun, and decided that we absolutely loved flying! 

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We drove a lot, through the year, many states, many friends, maaaaany races. Every time was a lot of fun, and a lot of crazy! I think our worst fun trip was Chicago! I was speeding, (of course…) and was pulled over and acquired a ticket for $111… Then! THEN!! On our last full day in Chicago, the hotel manager saw Dog, and lost his shit! He tacked on a $30/night charge, for my dog that weighs less than most newborn babies. But, whatever. I was mad when it happened, but we were being sneaky, and got caught. Good lesson for Megan, I guess. Ha. Chicago ended up costing me $200 more than I had budgeted for, and I was quite pissy about it, at the time. Now, I think about it and laugh, because I was the one doing the wrong, and I got upset when I was called on it. I can readily admit that the Chicago trip has made me drive MUCH slower, and I quit taking Dog with us, everywhere. 

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With every great year, comes some bad. In October, I was fired, from the job I loved very much. Luckily, I have found myself in a place that cares more about their staff. I feel EXTREEEEEMELY lucky about that. As much as I miss the family I made, with the coworkers I had before, I know I can see them, whenever. I don’t have to work with them to see them. 

Megan, this year, had a class in Design and Modeling, which seemed to set the basic foundation for architectural design and all the computer basics for that. Nothing in school, this year, has been worthy of mention, without incessant probing for information. Except this class. Meg was pretty stoked when she “built and wired a wall”.  Amazing! She talked about all the stuff she did in that class, and you could tell she had enjoyed herself.  I hope her 2nd semester finds her in classes worthy of mention, as well. 

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This year, we visited California, Florida, Georgia (twice), Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Texas (a million times!), Oklahoma, east Missouri, and a short stop in Tennessee, to show Meg the Grand Ole Opry. 

Next year, we plan to travel less (shorter distances), plan more at home, and around town, and focus on family and friends. 

 

I’m not sure what Megan’s goals are but I’d go with get her grades up and stay out of the middle school/soon to be HIGH SCHOOL drama! So far, so good. 

My goals for Meg are to get her to walk through ONE, at least ONE Conquer the Gauntlet with me! 

My goals for me… through 2019, I plan to get my eating habits under control and at a naturally occurring place. My goals for 2019, are to prepare for my big 2020 goals. I’ve only shared with a few people, and most of them don’t understand the entirety of the situation. 

Short term goals: run a lot, keep working out, with better focus and discipline. 

BIG goal: I want to do a 24 hour race, at the end of 2020. I’m lucky enough to know people that I can ask questions, and learn from. 😉

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I’m sure, physically, I could be ready by the end of 2019, but financially, and mentally are another thing, completely. This is something I’m going to have to save for, become mentally ready for, and really train for. Becoming mentally ready for it will probably be the hardest part for me. It gets COLD. Like really cold, icicles falling off your body/clothes, cold. That fucks my brain up a bit. Lol! Those of you who really know me, will understand. I hate being cold. A lot!

So, all through 2019, I plan to acquire all the material things I’ll need, to do this crazy, endurance race, in 2020. 

I’ll be doing stupid shit, like swimming in cold lakes at night, with friends… never alone! Gotta test the wetsuits. 😂 

Long distance running, lots of training, for endurance style stuff. It’s going to be so annoying, that I’m going to create another Facebook page, to allow those who care to follow, a chance to do so, without clogging my regular Facebook page. Or maybe I’ll just clog my social media’s with my ridiculous training. Ha! 

So, that’s it. 

2018 had its ups and downs, just like any other year, but we survived, and will be blasting into 2019 with goals intact! 

Be happy. Be healthy. Stay strong! 

Widowed life… Nearly 2 Years

It’s been almost 2 years since my husband has passed.

We’ve been through our share of trials, and hardships, heartaches and surprises of the “not-great” quality.

We’ve survived. We have strived for more. I haven’t allowed any of the crap that life has thrown at me, to knock me down.

I’m standing. I am standing tall, and stronger than I have ever been.

As I sit here, and type these words, I think “people may think I’m bragging, or gloating.” That’s not it, at all. I say these things because people need to know, it IS possible to become a stronger person, after every swing of the bat, that’s aimed for your chest, and your head.

This life? This life as a widow, is not for the weak-hearted. It’s not for the thin skinned. This life? It’s really fucking hard sometimes.

I started my new job, and I’ve been there since December 4th, in their OR. I’m used to everyone knowing that my husband passed. I’m not used to the look of shock, when I say “my late husband”, or “when my husband passed…”

I have to remember to pause, then answer when they say “oh my god! I’m so sorry!”

It’s okay though. Because once I respond, the immediate question asked is ALWAYS “WOW, he was so young, though, right?”

I answer with a “yep. He was only 34! Crazy, right?”

I can’t imagine being “weak” in this life. I’d never get anything done. I’d cry every time someone asked me about Mitch. Or I wouldn’t talk about him at all.

I talk about him daily. I mention Mitch’s name every single day. I can’t imagine a world where he isn’t talked about, or remembered for the amazing human he was.

I see Facebook posts, friends and family make, talking about how much they miss Mitchell John. I feel like a prick, because I forget that so many other people loved him, too. Well, I don’t forget, I just don’t think about it, and I am sorry. He was a pretty amazing man.

I can’t say that life has been all bad, though. I was so lucky, soooooooo lucky, after being fired for reasons that weren’t actually true, I landed a pretty sweet gig at a new location, and I am happy there. I was only out of work for a month and a week. That’s pretty amazing, and I believe lucky. Every place that called for the prescreening interviews asked why I was no longer with the last place of employment. I’m a terrible liar, and didn’t know how to answer. “I was fired”, was my response. The phone calls ended almost immediately after.

Everywhere but one place.

I went on my already planned and paid for vacations, and I even went to Tulsa, for a workout and a ninja competition, this month.

I love living. I love life. I hate that I’m spending my life without my soulmate, but, will shall meet again, at some point. Until then, I am going to live. Meg is going to live. We are going to live happy, and try to stay healthy.

Speaking of living healthy, I rehired my personal trainer, and have started LIFTING! Ugh! I hate lifting. Like, a lot. I’m getting better at it, slowly, but surely. I’m sure I won’t hate lifting, forever. I am training for another half marathon, and am using the heart rate method to train. Enough about working out, though!

I signed up, to make mashed potatoes, for our work potluck. I made 10lbs of potatoes. I whipped them up, and put garlic and salt and butter and milk, in them. I made 2lbs of bacon, too, so people can make loaded potatoes! (Because I don’t believe in gravy! Haha!)

Any widows out there, I want to tell you, right now, that it IS okay to be happy! Your husband/wife wouldn’t want you to be sad, forever. They wouldn’t want you sad at all. I know when I was sad, during the time before Mitch died, he hated it. My sadness made him sad for me. He did everything he could think of, to cheer me up. So remember the times, during your spouses living years, when you were sad, or upset. Did they buy you flowers? Make you dinner? Draw you a hot bubble bath? Make you a drink? Kiss you, rapid fire, so that you laugh? But you jewelry? Or anything at all to bring your happiness level up?

They don’t want us depressed. They’re probably making silly faces, hoping that we catch the slightest glimpse, and laugh.

So, when life tries to beat you with all it’s got, stand on your two feet, and don’t let it take you down.

Be the strongest version of you, that you can be.

💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼

Life’s a Bitch. Am I Right?

Sure. Life can be a real bitch, sometimes. Ups, downs, and curveballs. It’s a whirlwind of unpredictable circumstances that we have no control over.

Look at my life, for example.

Divorced parents.

Foster care as a child.

Mentally and physically abusive step-father.

First sexual encounter at 13, with an adult man.  Yeah…

High school drop-out.

Cheated on every single man I was with, except Mitch.

Finally found the man of my dreams, and spent 16.5 years with him, only to have him die, when we were 34.

Fired.

So… Here’s the deal. I can look at everything that has happened in my life, and use those things as an excuse to be a bitch to everyone I encounter. I could throw trust out the window, and never open up to anyone, ever again. I could do so many things, and blame my circumstances, and a LOT of people would be okay with that.

OR…

I can take each and every thing that I have ever experienced in my life, and learn from it. I can learn from it all, and grow, and heal from each thing that could have royally fucked me up.

I have read it a million times. I have heard it, and I stand by it: It’s not what life throws your way, that defines you, as a human. It’s how you handle the things thrown at you.

I recently had a doctor’s appointment, to make sure I am physically capable of doing my job at the new place. I was asked first, about my marital status and “OH MY! But, you’re so young!” Yep. I sure am. He was as well. Then, I didn’t list my religious affiliation, on my medical file, because, that’s really no-one’s business but mine. Right? Well, the very kind, very very nice doctor proceeded to preach to me for about 10 minutes about how Jesus is real. I could not be upset with her at all. She believes it. She did exactly what the Bible says to do. She was kind, and expressed her passion for “the lord”, and everything.

I am agnostic. I feel like when people hear that, they think they can sway my belief. It’s more along the lines of, I believe that something is out there, but who are we to know exactly which being is the ONE true leader?

I was most definitely closer to atheist before Mitch died. Since he died, I have experienced so many things that could be described as “other-worldly” or spiritual, and have seen that SOMETHING is going on. I don’t know what, but there’s something after we die. (my opinion…)

Okay, enough of that.

There were so many people who said she was being very unprofessional, and stepped out of line, etc etc etc. I didn’t mind, so much. I was a bit uncomfortable, but that’s because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and wasn’t quite sure how to let her know that. I am all for other people’s beliefs in things that make them better humans. If you believe in God, and Jesus and you believe they saved you, and they give you faith, and all that Jazz, great! I know that I work hard to get the things I get, and that I have humans on my side, that vouch for me, in many areas of my life.

I try to live my life as a good person. I feel like the best thing that we can do, while here on earth, is be kind, compassionate, and accepting.

We have media, in this world that only shows the bad, but, it’s better to know that there is still greatness out there. Hold a door for that person walking behind you. Buy someone’s coffee at the coffee shop, if your budget allows it. Live below your means. Don’t hold grudges. Call your parents or your Grandparents. Be a good human, no matter what you can gain. Don’t let what’s happened to you, in your life, lead you to become a horrible human.

Love…

I can honestly tell everyone, that I have never loved anyone as deeply, and as unconditionally as I loved Mitch. (and Megan, of course, but I am talking about men in my life.)

I feel bad and I don’t but I loved Mitch more than I loved my parents. I loved him so so deeply, and when he died, I was convinced I would never even attempt a relationship again. Never. It was what it was. I would be an old single lady, forever. I wasn’t sad about that.

Not even a little bit.

A few months back, I started to develop feelings for someone. OMG! right? I think they were definitely unwarranted, false feelings, and I took some time to really figure it out, and realized it wasn’t what I thought it was, but… It opened my eyes to a new reality. I am open to future relationships. Kind-of. I am not sure how I would do with actually seeing someone, and falling for them, then being dumped. eeeek! The thought alone sucks. I’m sure I’d be just fine, but that would sting, and I really don’t want to be stung. But I am open to it. Oddly enough… Ha.

I have also found, and it annoys me, that I talk about myself a lot. I try not to, and physically will bite my tongue, so I don’t talk, sometimes. Just what every guy wants: A woman who talks about herself all the time.

I don’t think that I have always been this way. I think it started when Mitch died. I felt like people looked at me in a way that was too much for me. I felt like they needed to know my story, and so I told it. I told it, because I am strong. I know that I am mentally strong, and without sounding conceited, emotionally and mentally stronger than most people I have encountered, that have been in any of the situations I have been in. I don’t say that because I saw it first. I say that, because people have told me, over and over, and I am starting to accept it. I see widows and widowers who are definitely worse of, mentally, than I am. And that is okay! It is okay to break. I will never fault anyone for breaking when the love of their life dies. NEVER.

I didn’t turn to alcohol, drugs, or sex to rid myself of feeling. Sure, I have a beer now and then. Sure, I absolutely have sex, but, the guy has got to be something special, to catch my attention.

I don’t use drugs of any kind. I barely even use pre-workout for racing.

I have had many interruptions and have lost track of my thoughts. I think the gist of this blog is this:

Don’t let the things in life define you. Let the way you handle the things life throws at you, define you. Be graceful, and accepting, and loving and caring. Be a great human, and do it in the easiest way possible.

Just Be Kind.

Life really is a bitch. But, we can do this. We can make it. We can get through this life, and be great human beings, no matter what life throws at us.

I believe in us.

goodnight world.

Life, Family, Racing, And More

“Gosh, I feel like I Never see you!”

That’s a true statement. I see so many people, who live in other states, all summer long, but when it comes to family, I don’t see much of them. We are all busy, with our individual lives. We all have shit on our plates that we wish we didn’t have to bother with. We all wish we could see each-other more, but we are all aware that LIFE is a bitch, and we all have bills to pay. Some bigger bills than other, some bigger paychecks than others, but all of us are living.

My brother and his fiancé just had their second daughter, and I am so in love, and I haven’t even gotten to meet her yet!! (I have been in contact with some pretty nasty viruses, and I don’t want to pass it along to the baby. I would never forgive myself!)

She is the cutest! Big sister has been so excited to meet her, and I am so happy for my bro and his beautiful family.

I haven’t blogged much recently, as I am almost always out of town, and almost always having an amazing time, so I think, “who wants to read a widow blog about how much fun she’s having?

Today, I realized, that thought is ridiculous! Just because my husband died FAR too early, doesn’t mean I can’t share with the world my ability to still have fun, because, for the love, this is what my blog is meant for! I am confessing!

I was widowed at 34 years old.

My husband was the most amazing fucking human being I have ever met, in my entire life.

We always had fun, so why in world would I stop, because he passed? Of course I do my adult shit, first, like pay bills and make sure we have a roof over our heads, but after that’s taken care of… All bets are off. Meg will have memories to last a lifetime. I want her to know that even after such a traumatic, devastating loss, we are all capable of bouncing back. Why? Because we are! We, as humans, are fucking amazing!

We have to continue living, when we lose our favorite people, or our favorite things. If you haven’t lost someone, you don’t understand how amazing it is, that we keep going. I see Mitch’s grandfather, who lost his wife less than 5 months after Mitch died, and he is still going. He is still grandpa. He is fucking amazing! Can you even imagine that? Living with someone for 50+ years, then all of a sudden, they’re no longer here?

It’s insanity. It’s painful. It’s relief. It’s sad. It’s expected. It’s unexpected. It’s hard. It’s life. It’s death. It’s what no one wants, but everyone will face. It’s terrifying. It’s the worst.

It. Is. Loss.

Those of you who read, regularly, know that I started my year off, in anger management, which is hilarious if you think about it. I still hold to the fact that I am probably the least angry person you’ll ever know. Hell, I do plenty of things to release my “anger” or frustrations, as I like to refer to it. I throw myself into Obstacle course racing, and that takes so much of my energy, that I don’t have any leftover to be angry with people for longer than 5 minutes.

Fun. We are having fun.

Megan and myself.

This weekend, we go to Georgia for a race and fun with friends. Then, on the 26th, Meg and I hop on a plane and fly to California to meet our internet friends, of 14 years, and have a fun weekend.

Then, November 9th, Meg and I hop on a plane, and head to Florida, again. Only, this time, it’s Tampa. We are going to have an ACTUAL vacation. I am so excited. Just Meg and myself.

One thing I am so grateful for is friends across the states. I have friends in Florida, and across the US all the way to California.

I am grateful for my travel buddies, and being able to have friends in every state I go to. I am so glad to be able to open up, and talk to strangers and make them into friends.

I am so grateful to have found, and truly embraced, the OCR community. Meg can chill anywhere at an event, and I don’t have to worry about her, as I race. She is pretty known amongst the OCR community, and no one would let harm fall upon her. OCR is a tight-nit family.

I can’t wait to see my GA friends, this coming weekend. I can’t wait to com home, and celebrate the October birthdays with my family. I can’t wait to have a weekend off, and do nothing, before I fly to California. I can’t wait to go to California. I can’t wait to go to halloween parties in Cali, and have tons of fun. I can’t wait to do the team challenge, with a group of people from OCR. I can’t wait to relax. I can’t wait to vacation in Florida, again, and relax and enjoy the weather, and the pool, and the bar. I can’t wait to see everyone over the holidays. I can’ t wait!

THIS is my favorite time of the year!

If you have just lost your significant other, just know, you CAN find happiness. It happens. It is real.

With all my Love!

The almost 36 year old widow.

 

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I’m Scared. A Draft from 10/1/2017.

Dearest Sweet Mitchell,                          10/01/2017

It’s no secret that I miss the fuck out of you. My heart aches as I type this. There are so many things that I want to tell you.

I raced, yesterday. I didn’t place or do amazing. I did average. As I asked my friends how they did, and they got took 5th and 8th and 2nd place, they asked how I did, and my answer was simple. I said “well, two and a half hours after I started, I finished!” And they high-fived me!  You would have had a BLAST as a spectator,  at this CTGXTC. You would have made fun of me, for getting stung by a bee, about a quarter mile into the race, but, you would have been proud of me, for finishing. You were always so proud of me. Always bragging about me doing OCR.

Over the last 8 Months, this group of people became like family to Meg and I. I’ve already decided, next year, I am doing every single Conquer the Gauntlet race. That’s the race you told me I should try, and I told you no way, at first, because it was way too hard! “There’s no fucking way I’ll ever finish one of those races!” Well, now I’ve finished quite a few!

Meg was failing Science! FAILING IT! The excitement, and pride in her voice when she brought that F up to a D, basically over night, was a sound to hear. Other than that one class, she had As and Bs in all the other classes.

This might explain why she was failing science… Megan started her TWELFTH time through Stranger Things! TWELVE TIMES! She should know the entire script, by heart, right now, and be paid to quote it from beginning to end, and mock their voices, too. She got Bob to binge the entire season one, last night, which is hilarious, to me!

You’d be so disappointed in my lack of self-restraint, as I ate pizza rolls for dinner, tonight. So did Megan…

I am scared. I love you, and I will always and forever love you. You were my once in a lifetime.  Will I get so very lucky, to have a second in a lifetime? I don’t know. I’m taking one step at a time, putting One foot in front of the other. Some days it hurts more than others. Some days, I trip and land on my face, other days, I feel fine, but then I feel awful, about feeling fine, even though I know that is absolutely ridiculous.

I am scared, because, I started talking to someone a few weeks ago, and he is pretty amazing. I won’t compare, because, that’s not right, but, I know you’d approve. He knows about everything, you, me and Meg. He knows, and he accepts it all. I almost said he embraces it, but, I think that may be the wrong word. He isn’t afraid to say your name, or talk about how awesome you are, or how he knows how you changed my life around. He read (and reads) this entire blog. I’m not sure how long it’ll last, how far it’ll go, or anything like that, and I’m not worrying about that. I know, we agreed to take each day as they come, and to just be in the present, right now. There’s no rush on anything. No ultimatums. He never tells me how I should grieve or not grieve. Not once, has he said anything but good things.

He also knows, and accepts that if you were still alive, I wouldn’t see him in this way.  My eyes were only for you (and movie/TV stars)!

I am scared to death, to post this, because I am scared of hurting people’s feelings. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, or make people mad, because I’m not doing anything wrong. But, as a person who can see things from all angles, I understand how this information is going to make people question me, maybe even make them not want to talk to me.

I can handle someone being mad at me, but, i can’t handle hurting someone. You know this. You always knew it.

I’m not sure how much clearer I can be, but, my love for you didn’t die, that day your spirit moved on. I still love you every bit as much, as I ever did. That will never change. Anything else I am able to do, (dating, relationships, etc), that is just my heart expanding, to allow more in. (I read that in another widow’s blog, and completely agreed with her.)

Well, I am exhausted, so I am going to go to bed early, tonight.

I miss you every day.

I love you, always and forever.

Tabbie

Dear Mitch,

 

I know you are probably looking down at me wondering “what he hell are you DOING?” OR “Don’t! Not him! He’s a moron!”

Don’t worry. I’m not.

Not with him, or with him.

It’s okay. You remember, I like guy friends. I always had more male friends than female friends, growing up.

I think I have an equal amount of guy/girl friends, now.

But I do like dating. I like meeting all the new people, which is weird, but not too weird, since you know me.

I miss you, tremendously. I have this empty spot in my bed, that only you could fill. I prefer not sleeping next to someone, even if we have sex. I send them home, or to the couch. No, I’m not whoring it up. I just have sex every now and then with one guy.

You’re probably laughing at me, or wondering what the fuck is happening in my head because he’s so much younger. But, you also know, I have always said “If he’s old enough to buy me a drink… Legally… then he’s old enough for me!” Of course, back then, I was referring to the celebrities on TV (cough cough Zac Efron cough cough). haha!

I miss talking about the hot guys on TV and having your unnecessary, jealous stare. It was so funny. You would get so offended about the celebrities I would never meet. I would do it on purpose, just to get a rise out of you. Why? Because I LOVED that you were jealous. Your slight jealousy was comforting. I knew I’d never lose you. At least not to another woman.

I appreciate you. I appreciate all of the patience you held when I was freaking out, right after we got married. When I got “cold feet” post wedding vows. When “forever” sounded like a life sentence. You were there, but not all over me. You allowed me the space I needed, to clear my mind and really figure out who I was, and what I wanted.

Can you even believe that I thought I was a lesbian? I still laugh at that! I was REALLY freaking out about being married. Then, I reminded myself, it was you. YOU. The best of the best. No one other human on this planet could handle me. Not like you did. You spoiled me, in so many ways. Not materialistically, either.

You spoiled me with love. You showed me that good men DO exist, and let me tell you, I can spot them. You spoiled me by doing for me. After a long day at work, you made me mixed, fruity drinks, and ran me a bath with epsom salt. Not because you were trying to get in my pants, but because you loved me. You wanted me to be happy and felt that I deserved to relax.

Oh, remember when we gave each-other massages? That was so long ago. Like in our early 20s! haha! it got to a point where you would give me a massage first, then I would fall asleep and never give one back. Big mistake on my part, because you finally quit giving me massages, and I developed carpal tunnel.

Remember the Christmas 2003, when we decided it would be funny to tell everyone that we were having a baby? hahahahaha!! Oh man! That was so hilarious. Then, in January, we were pregnant. Easy as that. We found out March 3rd, but, still. It happened so fast.

I remember the conversation we had. We were on I35 in 75th street exit. It was Christmas, 2003. We decided we were strong enough, together, to handle ANYTHING. We decided to stop PREVENTING pregnancy.

Oh man. It happened so fast. We had the most perfect little baby. Oh,  I bet you’re freaking out, when you see her, now. I do have to say, at least she’s covered! She has a mouth like her mother, and the wit of her father. She will go far in life.

I am so glad you were able to stick around long enough for her to know, and remember how amazing you were. I am so glad that I won the bet that got me a baby before I turned 22 (actually 18 days after my 22nd birthday, but who’s counting?) If you won that bet, I would have been a widowed mom to a 4 year old! It goes to show that my belief in “everything happens for a reason” is real. I needed to have a preteen. I needed a well rounded kiddo. I needed a kid who understands far beyond her years. And that’s what we had. We had the perfect-for-us child. Weren’t we lucky? Aren’t I lucky, in that way?

Everyone always says, “I’m so sorry for you!”

I bite my tongue, because I want to ask why. “Why are you sorry that I was able to spend all that time with the most amazing man on earth?” I got 16.5 years with you! That was half your lifetime!

There are so many women who don’t have the luxury I have, of saying, “I found my perfect match. My perfect love. Someone who loved me unconditionally.” I have that! I had that. I was able to feel that. I was able to live that. I was so fucking lucky!

It’s so weird to say that, though. People are always so good at twisting words to make things sound bad.

I was so fucking lucky in the way that I met you, had you, loved and was loved by you.

I was unlucky that you died.

But the beauty is that I was able to know you. I was able to have and to hold you.

You taught me how a man should treat a woman. Hell, you taught Meg how a woman deserved to be treated.

Amazing.

You will forever live in my mind and heart, and the hearts of so many who knew you, as amazing.

Ah

Maze

Ing!

My inspiration to be a better human.

My everything.

I miss you.

I am so glad that I had the opportunity to be graced with your presence.

I am so happy that I had the ability to be loved and spoiled by you.

Thank you.

Thank you for teaching me.

When you died, I thought I was done. I would never get to a point in my life where I could allow feelings for anyone again. It isn’t worth it, I would think to myself. I was mentally crippled by the loss of your presence in my life.

My mind said “WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING??? How do I DO this?” I also had thoughts along the lines of “no one will want me.” But I didn’t care. I bought baggy clothes and hid my body so no-one would even WANT to look.

Those thoughts are pointless.

More importantly, I want you to know, that I hope you are proud of who I am, who I have become. I hope you are proud of my strength and ability to find happiness in such an awful experience.

There are days when I wake up in the morning, and really try to wrap my mind around the fact that you’re no longer here.

Every time I have that thought, my entire body reacts. It’s like I KNOW it is true, but my mind and my soul still refuse to believe.

That’s the impact you’ve left in my life.

With that, I must go to bed.

I will love you always.

I will forever cherish the memories we shared.

You will forever be in my mind and heart.

Love you always,

Ms. Tabbie Wood

 

 

 

 

Somebody That I Used To Know.

Just a little over a year ago, I went on my “first first date in 17 years”. Poor guy. He met me when I was clueless.

Anyway, what made me think about him? Well, I was planning on taking Meg to see a movie tonight, but, the restaurant was too far from the theater to make it to that particular theater in time.

So, I had Meg look up Cinetopia showings. There was one for 6:45! We were excited! We hightailed it to Cinetopia and stood in line, only to be informed that only front row was available. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I said “No thank you,” and we left. I was driving down the road, planning to take side streets all the way home, because there is a grocery store (I need coffee) on my way home, that way.

I look left and see B&B theaters. I maneuvered my car into the correct turning lane, and pulled into the parking lot. We hopped out, checked and saw there was a showing for 8pm.

SCORE!

Meg used the bathroom after we purchased our tickets. She was dying to go to Party City, so, I told her we could walk over.

I walked through the parking lot, toward 135th street, and see the place were first first date guy had told me he worked. I mean, I knew he worked/owned/operated that place, but didn’t realize it was RIGHT there.

Anyway. So, that is basically what stimulated my brain, for this blog.

Do you ever wonder if people have moments where *poof* you’re on their mind? Do you wonder what they think, if you are on their mind? I wonder that sometimes. Like, “I wonder if that guy even remembers me.” I mean, How could he not? I looked crazy “EXTRA”! Ha!

Seriously, though, it’s something I’ve noticed myself thinking about sometimes. Not just that guy. That guy was because of where Meg and I ended up, today. But many people I’ve met, on my journey, I think about, and wonder how I left them. What impression did I leave on them? Did I leave a good impression? Did they think I was nuts? Did they think they were going to get lucky, no matter what? (To be clear, the answer was “no” to wayyyyyyy more people, than I have said “yes” to.) Does a thought of me make them smile, or cringe?

Do you do that? Do you wonder those things? I guess, whatever your answer is, that’s it’s okay.

And, on the flip side. When you have thoughts of random people that you’ve dated and/or slept with, do you have moments where you ask yourself, “What the FUCK was I THINKING?!”

I will leave you with this.

I hope, that every person I meet, is left with a good feeling, be it, strength, happiness, confidence, excitement, or anything positive.

Good night, world, but remember. Be a better person, tomorrow, than you were today! ❤️