I am right here. I am alive. I am healthy. I am living.
Last night, I had one of the worst breakdowns that I’ve had in a few years. Seriously. They say that we learn to live with the feelings, and it sneaks up out of the blue with nothing or something very minimal to trigger it.
I was scrolling through facebook, getting excited about my next videocast, and a picture showed in my feed.
This popped up and slapped me in the face, punched me in the gut, and I cried. I cried, uncontrollably for over an hour. All I wanted to do was read my book, and have a nice relaxing, good mood evening, and BAM!
It’s been a while.
It still hurts when I think about Mitch being gone. I have no false hopes of him coming home, and don’t compare people to him. I talk about him, a lot.
I was on a date and he used the word “duality” and damn if he didn’t pull that fucking word straight out of my brain.
Duality: the quality or state of having two different or opposite parts or elements.
Let’s break this down, shall we?
Duality for someone like me goes something like this:
I’m dating. I am having fun, I enjoy my company when I am out and nothing steps in the way of that. I also have that same deep seeded pain of loss that comes and stays with the loss of a spouse. The pain from that loss doesn’t interfere with the happiness of dating or meeting people.
So when someone sees it from the outside, and they see the happy person, enjoying life, radiating positivity into the world, they’re not seeing the pain that will always live inside of them. They sadness, the fears, the ache of loss.
Don’t read too deeply into this. I am happy. I am having fun, and not ready to “settle down” as they say. I was settled down, and happy as a clam for 17 years. With that said, I’m not going to pass up something if it comes crashing down and is abundantly clear that they’re “made for me”. Then, of course, if that happens, its never a “jump in” situation, when you’re this old with this much emotional baggage. ha!
It’s been nice to “slow down” and realize that I have been zooming through this life. It’s nice to enjoy every encounter. It’s nice to be able to form a bond, or a friendship with men I date, even though it’s nothing serious.
So many people look at me like I’m crazy, because I LOVE dating. LOVE IT! If it doesn’t go further than a first date, I am okay with that, and will always make the best of every situation.
Now, when I look back at who I was 5 years ago (this is just for purposes of explaining how I’ve grown, and changed), I was so negative about everything. I pointed out the raincloud instead of the sunbeam coming from behind it. I found the negative in every situation, and not only did I find it, I SPOKE ABOUT IT! I pointed it out to everyone who would listen!
Now, I imagine if that girl were single, and out dating like I am now, she would have been MISERABLE! Literally. I have met some amazing people, and I have met some SCARY folks. I have told the stories, but I have told them in a comedic way, because what else can you do but laugh?
I love my life now, and I love the life I had before stepping into this world-wind of being a widow in the dating world. I CAN love both of these lives, and that my friends, is duality to the core. Isn’t it beautiful?
Happy Monday, Friends!