Let me start by saying this. I have gone through the stages of dating since my husband died.

hookups only, FWB, long distance, 10 years younger, 10 years older. I attempted 1 time, to have a true to form relationship, and realized I’m rusty, confused, and don’t know how to do it.

I have to admit, dating now is absolutely nothing like the time I dated before getting married. There seems to be this very common theme of avoidance when it comes to having feelings.

“Don’t catch feelings…” Is a phrase I’ve heard people say, too many times to count.

As a woman who caught and reveled in all the feelings for so many years, I can’t imagine why someone wouldn’t want to feel the fluttery stomach of something new. The swell of excitement when someone messages or calls. That amazing, terrifying feeling of falling, hopelessly, in love with someone.

I understand that fear of being hurt. I understand that fear of falling in love with someone who doesn’t return the love. I understand the fear of falling in love with “the wrong person.” And I definitely understand falling in love and losing that person, forever.

I didn’t think I would ever fall in love or want to fall in love again. I’m definitely not in love right now, but currently dating. I am not afraid to feel, though, and I think that scares men these days.

I have had some phenomenal dates, like the guy who made me lobster spaghetti, (everything made from scratch), and bought me my favorite wine, and treated me to such an amazing evening. Then I have had some duds of all dud dates, like the guy who kept asking if I wanted a “bump” all night. I let him out at quick trip, and left him there. (for anyone who is unaware of what a “bump” is, it’s a cocaine reference, and he kept offering me cocaine. I can’t even count how many times I told him to fuck off with that shit.)

I started seeing this guy, and he might literally be the guy that people say “she’s dating her father”. He is a youth minister, and I’m drawn to him in a good way. He is sweet, and hasn’t been inappropriate. Hell, he hasn’t even kissed me aside from kissing me on the cheek after our last 2 dates. We’ve done things like gone to the movies, lunch, a picnic at Nelson Atkin’s on the lawn, and this weekend we will be hitting up some batting cages and then going to dinner.

Things are going seemingly well, but with the way guys are these days, I am not sure he’s that interested in me. I could be spot on, or my anxiety could be coming into play, like always, making me question the most innocent of situations.

Dating is odd. It’s seriously a spiral of phrases that you need to decipher because men don’t speak directly anymore. They try to tell you what they think you want to hear, rather than what their truths are. Even when I was in my “hookup” phase of dating, men were never honest about their intentions.

When I started to transition from “friends with benefits” into looking for someone of substance, I met a guy who was gorgeous, physically fit, and had the absolute best voice ever. I wanted him to be honest with me, and I don’t think he was. I even asked him if all he wanted was “one thing” and he couldn’t just answer me with a simple yes or no. It was bothersome at best. My unmedicated anxiety took hold and made me lose my shit. I was glad to have hit that speed bump when I did. I was worried because we knew mutual people, but my greatest strength has always been admitting when I am wrong and just living with the knowledge of it, but working to make sure I don’t repeat the mistakes again.

Anyway, I am hoping that I will eventually find the man who isn’t afraid to feel and express himself, in the same way I am not afraid to feel and express myself.

There is something to be said for someone who can express themselves openly and freely.

I have never been a fan of beating around the bush, or talking in circles. It’s silly to me, to make people guess how you feel about them, so I don’t get involved with anyone who isn’t willing to be open with me.

But, I am also not having attachment issues, or deep anxiety anymore.

I have to say, dating as a widow gives me a vantage point. I am wise enough, and lucky enough to have known real love, and commitment. I am lucky enough to be able to express myself without fear or rejection, now. I was once too afraid to be rejected, and now I am comfortable knowing that if a man rejects me, we just weren’t meant to be with each other.

Dating sucks as a normal single adult in their late thirties and it sucks something special for a widow in their late thirties.

One day, I’ll find my match, if I haven’t met him yet. The right one will make it known, without hesitation. I know that much is true. The only thing I have is my patience. ❤

Good night world. Sweet dreams and wonderful wishes of happiness and joy for your futures. ❤

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