My name is Tabbie.
I am an over thinker. I have some pretty serious relationship anxiety. I tend to project my fears onto the men that I date, making it impossible to be with me. I tend to sabotage perfectly good relationships, because I am terrified of being hurt. My anxiety makes it hard to speak the words I want to say, to the people I wish to tell the most. The things I hear inside my head are not the things you would expect of me, because of my outer appearance or behavior.
“You’re too much.”
“They just aren’t that into you.”
“They’re still looking for a better woman.”
“You’re only good for sex.”
“No one wants to deal with your mess.”
And it goes on and on and on.
These thoughts override sensibility. These thoughts break me down and make me crazy. These thoughts cause me to run off some great humans.
When I talk to someone, I hear annoyance in their voice when they talk back. I hear impatience. I hear aggravation.
This could all be manifested in my mind, in the beginning, but eventually, people tire of my mind. It’s exhausting for me, so I can only imagine how exhausting it is for someone else.
I am working on it.
I am uncovering the things that are making me feel and act the way I do, and I am WORKING ON IT.
I don’t want to be a “head case” forever. I refuse to be like this. I hate myself like this. Okay, I don’t “hate” myself, but I hate the way I think, sometimes.
I should not talk down to myself or let negative self talk in. I may not be able to do certain things right now, but damnit, I am a god damn survivor and I WILL make it through this atrocious infection of the mind.
I will take each step as they come.
I will beat this.