Writing has helped me in many ways. It helps me process. It helps me understand myself.
Until recently. Recently, I’ve discovered that writing is still helpful, but I lean too heavily on this crutch. I’ve leaned on this since a week after my husband died.
I haven’t had to discuss uncomfortable emotional things, using my voice and words, in over 3 years.
This blog, while helping me, has also damaged me.
This realization woke me up at 2am.
There are things I want to say to someone and I can’t get the words to form in my mouth, and I can’t get my voice to project it outward. All the while, thoughts and words float around in my mind overwhelming me. I can type and write until I’m dead. But now is the time I learn to let the crutch go.
I’m emotionally exhausted and I am seriously hopeful to be able to step forward, now that I realize how I’ve depended so heavily on writing, that I’ve hidden behind it, rather than just using it as back up.
It’s so strange when you finally want to do something, and can’t. Why am I afraid?
Why do I project my fears?
Why can’t I take things at face value?
I’m looking deeper. I’m digging. I am learning. I am understanding what an emotional recluse I’ve become. I am emotional, but not in a healthy way. I hide it deep and don’t talk to people about what’s really going on in my head.
Instead, I talk about things that aren’t necessarily helpful, and only damage relationships I have.
When I try to talk about important things with people I hope to have a good future with (be they friend or a more intimate relationship), I clam up. I swear. I feel tears brim my lashes. Right now, just thinking about it, I’m about to cry. My chest will hurt, and sometimes I feel like I’ll collapse.
Sometimes, I’ll feel all of that at once.
One step at a time. I want to say things out loud and have it make sense. I want to be “emotionally stable”. I want to not be so afraid to say things out loud. I want to not be so afraid of running people off. I just want to BE. I want these things and I’m going to work on it.
Here’s to revelations of one’s self.