Trigger dates. Some of us know what they are and some of us don’t.

I am very aware of tomorrow. It would have marked 17 years of marriage to Mitch.

I am so aware of this being a trigger date, that my insides are twisting. I’m aching to do something stupid, but I refuse to give into the desire of the moment, and ruin things as they are.

My trigger dates usually cause me to have sex with someone, and that usually ends up emotionally damaging for me. I don’t want to keep moving along the path I’m on. I want to be able to relax and take everything slow and steady.

I have a tendency to ruin friendships and sabotage what I have, when these trigger dates arrive.

The last trigger date was Mitch’s deathday, where I hooked up with my ex, a few days before he decided to get back with his ex girlfriend. Now he and I aren’t even friends. Not really an emotional downfall for me. I didn’t want the drama that his life held on a daily basis.

I just wanted something “right now!” to soothe my mind. Ease the pain. Something that felt nice, but didn’t mean anything. And I went for it. Everything that I predicted would happen, from it, happened.

So now, as my anniversary approaches rapidly, I am trying to find the best outlet for me to find something nice and something that feels good but that doesn’t involve sex or another person, really.

I’m diving into myself and I’m trying my damndest to figure me out. It’s not easy. I don’t know what I need or what I should do during the trigger dates, so I’m going to hide away at home and avoid being weird, pushy, needy, or whatever else is exteriorly displayed.

No alcohol. This weekend. No fried foods, this weekend. Nothing crazy. No sex or men.

Just me. Megan and me.

Order in.

Watch movies.

Go for walks.

Enjoy ourselves.

I’m not even going to wash my hair today.

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