I realized, recently, that it’s so much harder for me to keep things silent, about myself. It seems I have gotten so used to sharing every single detail of my life, and I don’t even blink when someone asks me a question that might seem invasive or none of their business. I have a tendency to overshare and it started when Mitch died. I don’t blame his death for my over-sharing, and I think the oversharing helped me in a lot of ways.
But now? Now I’d like to keep things to myself for the most part, but words literally tumble out of my mouth before I realize they’ve been said. Talk about one hell of a bad habit to break, right? So, my answer? Therapy. I can still share things and talk about things here, but of course it won’t be in detail or drop names or give anything away.
I value my friendships, old and new. I have my issues and I am coming to terms with them. I have anxiety like I have never experienced before, and it’s literally being festering for a few years now, getting worse and worse.
I try to share everything as a way to process, but now it’s like the sharing isn’t helping me process a damn thing. It’s just making me seem like an overhearer, which is fine, but I need to get something from my own writings, or it’s useless for me to share all of the intricate details of my life.
I recently let go of someone who really damaged my self esteem and my trust in humans. We weren’t dating. He was a friend but he so obviously didn’t value our friendship, and it hurt me horribly. I let it go on for months, and I allowed and made excuses for his behaviors.
It’s okay, though. I mean, relatively speaking. It’s not okay that I was mind-fucked. It’s not okay that my anxiety and self esteem took a hit. It IS okay, though that I am aware, even if it took me longer than necessary to figure out. I sought help, and will be starting therapy tomorrow afternoon.
I have never been one to “need” therapy, per say. I fought it, tooth and nail. I was doing great until I wasn’t anymore.
Meeting new people and feeling a false sense of safety when they wrap their arms around me is dangerous. I realize that. I realize that and now I am ready to figure out how to create boundaries that are right for me, when it comes to the dating world.
I love feeling safe. I love feeling protected. I love and miss being able to trust someone with my whole world.
I am trying to step back, mentally, and create a healthier mind-set for myself.
I want a man who wants me as much as I want him, sure. Don’t we all want a person like that? I had one once. It was phenomenal. Great things take time to grow. Period.
So, in the aspect of therapy. The things I want from it, and hope to achieve are the following.
- The ability to withhold from sharing every single thing.
- The ability to create healthy boundaries, as I haven’t had any boundaries for a few years. This has everything to do with my desire to go all-in, when I should take one step at a time.
- I would like to be able to understand my thoughts more clearly.
- I’d like to be able to spot the things that are triggered by certain dates (my anniversary, my late husband’s birthday, and my late husband’s deathday, before they are irreversible.
- I’d like to be able to speak my feelings without stumbling over thoughts or oversharing, when it comes to dating and all other forms of relationships.
- I would like to overcome my fear of abandonment.
- I would like to overcome my need to please people.
- I would like to learn to handle my attachment issues, and really be comfortable just letting go, when I should let go, rather than trying to salvage something that’s been shredded to tiny bits, separated and dispersed into space.
- I would love to overcome my fear of failing. I’ve said it before. We all fail, and failing is a way to grow. It shouldn’t be feared the way I fear it. It should be welcomed and expected. I know this, and as I type it, I understand it. But, when it’s most important, I fear it. I allow my fear to disrupt my life.
- And finally, I would love to accept the idea of happiness in my life. I would love to get over the fear of being happy. I want to step forward and away from this fear of the rug being pulled from beneath me again. There’s a laundry list of how I grew into happiness and BAM, I was back on my ass, again. I keep getting up, but I am growing weary and don’t want to fall anymore. It hurts, and each time I stand back up, I may be stronger, but I fall farther from the happiness I originally sought before each fall.
For a while, I have been in denial about the anxieties I have had. In denying the problem, the problem has grown, greatly.
For a while, running helped. For a while, working out helped. For a while, writing helped.
They still help.
They just don’t help ENOUGH anymore.
I should have recognized it long before I did, but denial is a monster bitch. I’ve spoken about my horrible decision making near certain dates and I continued doing them. Those questionable decisions were GIANT red flags, screaming at me to seek professional help. (nothing dangerous, but just stupid.)
So now, I am ready.
Now I leap.
Now, I grow.
Now I heal.
Now, I put One Foot In Front Of The Other, after stalling out for a while, mentally.
So, Here’s to silence. Here’s to privacy. Here’s to self awareness and self growth.