I realized, recently, that it’s so much harder for me to keep things silent, about myself. It seems I have gotten so used to sharing every single detail of my life, and I don’t even blink when someone asks me a question that might seem invasive or none of their business. I have a tendency to overshare and it started when Mitch died. I don’t blame his death for my over-sharing, and I think the oversharing helped me in a lot of ways.

But now? Now I’d like to keep things to myself for the most part, but words literally tumble out of my mouth before I realize they’ve been said. Talk about one hell of a bad habit to break, right? So, my answer? Therapy. I can still share things and talk about things here, but of course it won’t be in detail or drop names or give anything away.

I value my friendships, old and new. I have my issues and I am coming to terms with them. I have anxiety like I have never experienced before, and it’s literally being festering for a few years now, getting worse and worse.

I try to share everything as a way to process, but now it’s like the sharing isn’t helping me process a damn thing. It’s just making me seem like an overhearer, which is fine, but I need to get something from my own writings, or it’s useless for me to share all of the intricate details of my life.

I recently let go of someone who really damaged my self esteem and my trust in humans. We weren’t dating. He was a friend but he so obviously didn’t value our friendship, and it hurt me horribly. I let it go on for months, and I allowed and made excuses for his behaviors.

It’s okay, though. I mean, relatively speaking. It’s not okay that I was mind-fucked. It’s not okay that my anxiety and self esteem took a hit. It IS okay, though that I am aware, even if it took me longer than necessary to figure out. I sought help, and will be starting therapy tomorrow afternoon.

I have never been one to “need” therapy, per say. I fought it, tooth and nail. I was doing great until I wasn’t anymore.

Meeting new people and feeling a false sense of safety when they wrap their arms around me is dangerous. I realize that. I realize that and now I am ready to figure out how to create boundaries that are right for me, when it comes to the dating world.

I love feeling safe. I love feeling protected. I love and miss being able to trust someone with my whole world.

I am trying to step back, mentally, and create a healthier mind-set for myself.

I want a man who wants me as much as I want him, sure. Don’t we all want a person like that? I had one once. It was phenomenal. Great things take time to grow. Period.

So, in the aspect of therapy. The things I want from it, and hope to achieve are the following.

  1. The ability to withhold from sharing every single thing.
  2. The ability to create healthy boundaries, as I haven’t had any boundaries for a few years. This has everything to do with my desire to go all-in, when I should take one step at a time.
  3. I would like to be able to understand my thoughts more clearly.
  4. I’d like to be able to spot the things that are triggered by certain dates (my anniversary, my late husband’s birthday, and my late husband’s deathday, before they are irreversible.
  5. I’d like to be able to speak my feelings without stumbling over thoughts or oversharing, when it comes to dating and all other forms of relationships.
  6. I would like to overcome my fear of abandonment.
  7. I would like to overcome my need to please people.
  8. I would like to learn to handle my attachment issues, and really be comfortable just letting go, when I should let go, rather than trying to salvage something that’s been shredded to tiny bits, separated and dispersed into space.
  9. I would love to overcome my fear of failing. I’ve said it before. We all fail, and failing is a way to grow. It shouldn’t be feared the way I fear it. It should be welcomed and expected. I know this, and as I type it, I understand it. But, when it’s most important, I fear it. I allow my fear to disrupt my life.
  10. And finally, I would love to accept the idea of happiness in my life. I would love to get over the fear of being happy. I want to step forward and away from this fear of the rug being pulled from beneath me again. There’s a laundry list of how I grew into happiness and BAM, I was back on my ass, again. I keep getting up, but I am growing weary and don’t want to fall anymore. It hurts, and each time I stand back up, I may be stronger, but I fall farther from the happiness I originally sought before each fall.

For a while, I have been in denial about the anxieties I have had. In denying the problem, the problem has grown, greatly.

For a while, running helped. For a while, working out helped. For a while, writing helped.

They still help.

They just don’t help ENOUGH anymore.

I should have recognized it long before I did, but denial is a monster bitch. I’ve spoken about my horrible decision making near certain dates and I continued doing them. Those questionable decisions were GIANT red flags, screaming at me to seek professional help. (nothing dangerous, but just stupid.)

So now, I am ready.

Now I leap.

Now, I grow.

Now I heal.

Now, I put One Foot In Front Of The Other, after stalling out for a while, mentally.

So, Here’s to silence. Here’s to privacy. Here’s to self awareness and self growth.

2 thoughts on “Silence

  1. Almost wrote after the previous post…I’m going to miss your posts, but I feel like I am in the majority—rooting for you all the way. You probably haven’t decided to end your blog. Yet.
    When that time comes, I will miss you and be proud of you at the same time. The day you find your person won’t be a day that you want to dump months or years of self-discovery and struggle on them. Stuff like that takes time to absorb. Let him meet the you that you’ve become at that time, no one else. Trust me, you’ll be enough. You’re good. You’ve grown. He won’t need to know the entire journey on day one. You will learn about him and he about you at a similar, comfortable pace. You aren’t 34 anymore and, in many ways, you aren’t the same person that penned many of your posts. Time passes. We grow. It has been my pleasure to follow but I will understand when it’s time for you to say goodbye.
    I wish you all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

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