I decided that since I really sat and thought over everything completely, about my friend who I love, that I was going to quit getting my hopes up for him.
I told him it wasn’t his fault, completely for me getting my hopes up, and that if I could just stop taking things he says so seriously. Sometimes we just say things that sound good in the moment, but never intend to follow through. You know what I mean? You’re out with friends and everyone is having a great time, and one of you suggest, “Oh hey! We should travel together, sometime!” Sounds good in the moment, but once a few days go by, you can laundry list all the reasons it would be a bad idea.
This was kind of the case, I think when it comes to the things my friend would tell me. I decided he thought it sounded good then, but changed his mind, after thinking it over. I get it. I do it too.
I shared what I planned to do, and told him the only way I’d take him seriously is if he grabs me by my shoulders, shakes the shit out of me, and tells me, “Tabbie, I want all of you. I want you for everything that you are.”
He took it all wrong, and said he was sorry. He told me he was going to remove himself from my life completely, and when I read that text, I literally broke. There was no stopping the steady flow of tears that flooded my face. My shirt was wet, my eyes swollen and red.
Some things hurt so much more than you would expect. Remember the letter in the last blog? The realization that my love for him is strongest in the friend department than anything else is what made me clear it up with him. I mean, I was sharing with him that I was putting boundaries around the way I talk to him. We are friends but we joked and talked a little sexually sometimes. Talk about the things we would do to each-other, and all of that. Every time we talked about that, I would get my hopes up as if maybe he finally got his shit together.
Each time I was wrong. Each time, I would allow my hopes to climb higher and higher.
I should have realized it was just talk. We know everything about each-other’s bedroom desires and dislikes. It’s funny, actually. What he likes to do, I like to have done and what I like to do, he likes to have done. This is ridiculous, actually.
So, with that bit of information, you can, hopefully, see where I allowed myself to be so confused about the reality of where our friendship/relationship was heading.
One day I asked if he thought I was crazy, and if so, where did he think I fell on a scale of 1-10. he said 9.5. We joke about it, actually. I felt like I was about to go full 10.0 on the crazy scale yesterday, when he said that to me.
I actually probably DID go full 10. The mere thought of not having him as my friend killed me inside. I sent him, probably 5 or 6 or 9 texts through the day, yesterday. Then, when I was at dinner I was mad. He wasn’t responding and I was pissed that he took what I said so far out of context and was so ready to disappear from my life, our friendship, everything.
I told him so.
Then, finally, FINALLY, he responded. He told me he would stay my friend if I wouldn’t mind. He didn’t want to be the cause of my pain and anguish. He totally misunderstood what I was telling him. It happens because sometimes I use too many words for something a simple 2 sentences would work for.
It’s why I blog. It’s why I journal. It’s why I write everything. It’s funny, because sometimes people will say to me, “short version” and it’s still an entire phone screen with additional scrolling, of text.
Words help me.
Words hurt me.
Words are what I use to understand myself.
Not enough an you risk sounding like a bitch. Too many? A crazy person. The ultimate goal is to use the perfect amount of words, for any situation.
Yesterday? I used too many.
Today, I used less.
Last night, I came home, went to bed and dreamed that he left his date to take her home, and returned to me, as a friend, then when we were going to head to our own separate homes, we hugged goodbye, and he awkwardly kissed me, goodbye.
In my dream, we were like teenagers. We were physically adults with our adult lives, kids, jobs and all, but the feelings were like that of a teenager. It was weird because in my dream, I could feel my feelings and his. I think that was the whole point of the dream, itself.
The awkward kiss, the nervous fear of trying something new. The feeling that we were giving in, or finally not avoiding.
Of course, it was just a dream. It wasn’t to be taken to heart, but maybe there was something in it, maybe where we were or the clothes we had on, maybe the cars we were driving. Who knows? Maybe. Just maybe the dream was nothing buy a wishful dream, since I finally got my mind straight and decided to let him go in hopes of a relationship/boyfriend/future husband idea, and be his friend. Only a friend. I have to watch my mouth and not share my dreams with him. I have to stop sharing every little bit of information my brain sends me. I have to tamp down the urge to be with him.
I have to not. I have to retrain my brain to make it think differently. Right? That’s what I need to do.
I’ll be fine. I will figure it out, because I am strong enough.
The pain associated with the fear of losing him, completely, really taught me that. Losing the hope of something more than friendship is far less painful than the fear of losing his friendship. Period. Feeling that few hours of loss made me realize how NOT painful it really is, to have lost the hope.
In order to keep him forever, only one of 2 things can happen. One makes me laugh and the other makes complete sense.
We can stay friends; loyal, loving, and caring friends. Or, we could get married.
You decide which one is which. Just kidding. I will tell you so there’s no speculation. Marriage is hilarious to me between the two options.
I know I keep writing about him, but, man. Ladies and gentlemen, I wish you could all know who he is, and then you could take lesson. Women, if you’re single, you need to find you a man like this friend of mine. And guys, be the kind of guy he is. It’s hard to tell you these things because y’all don’t even know.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I was not singing his praises, yesterday. I called him an idiot at least 4 times, to my cousin, and once I even texted that he needed to not be an idiot. See, he apologized for breaking my heart and letting me down and all these things I never said to him. I was crying because he actually helped heal my heart, so I told him so.
He is the reason I now know that I can still love someone who isn’t my family, and love them wholly. I don’t mean everyone. I just mean, I have my people who I love that are friends from before Mitch died. Although I’ve known this guy since middle school, I never talked to him until 2017. From 2017-mid 2019 we talked a little bit. We checked in on each-other and made sure we were doing okay. We talked about our dating lives and stuff. Then, one day I texted him in a very “booty call” fashion, but I was so awkward, and I was drunk and I must have worded it funny, because nothing came of it except we started talking more regularly. Not every day, like we do now, but 2 or 3 times a week. Then he texted me one day, and told me he really wanted an orgasm. (pretty sure he was drunk.) I told him, “Sorry, bruh. I can’t help you there.”
He just recently told me that he will never forget that. I had forgotten it.
In high school, I rudely declined an offer to dance, from…
Wait for it….
He remembered that day, forever. After we got married, he told me all about it. In my defense, I thought the “messenger” was pointing at another boy, so I was way more rude about the decline than necessary. But, during that year, in that school, and my bad attitude, I would have declined Mitch as well, but look how we turned out. =P Not saying that my friend and I will ever be anything more than friends. I just thought it was funny how I turned Mitch down, then fell in love with him. I turned my friend down, and then kinda fell for him, too, only without the returned feels.
I am getting more and more tired so I feel like I am being redundant.
This is, hopefully, my last entry about this particular friend. We will see.
This is where this entry ends.