I typed this up, then published it, while in the back seat of my uber, quite tipsy, Tuesday night. I woke up Wednesday morning, and immediately removed it from my published list.  I’m scared to death of sharing this. I don’t know why I am so terrified to share it. But, here I go.

11/12/19

I never believed, wholly, in love at first sight.

Until it happened.

I fell in love. It wasn’t here. It wasn’t tonight.

It’s odd, and only a select few know.

I figured, honestly, if I said it out loud to a few friends, that I’d understand how crazy it sounded. I think you all know what I mean. Things sound normal in your head, but as soon as you speak it out loud you think “What? NO. Nevermind. That is stupid.”

Every time I say it out loud, it becomes more real. More natural. Unlike when you come across some feeling that’s completely insane. I am completely, 100%, head over heels in love.

How?

WHY?

I don’t understand!

Someone, please.

I know exactly WHEN it happened. The moment. The place. The second. When my heart cried “it’s him!” And jumped around inside my chest, attempting escape. And I yelled back, “no! NO!”

I cried at the realization.

This isn’t fair.

This isn’t right.

This is far too complicated.

Ouch.

That pain is real.

My heart.

I have to keep it to myself, but I need to get it out.

Does he realize? Am I obvious about it?

Please don’t leave.

I love you.

I’ve been holding this close. I’ve been in denial. I don’t like it. I don’t think I am ready for this.

I just know that I will walk through hell to make sure this man is happy, and if that isn’t love, then I don’t know what is.

How do you even do love these days?

How does this work?!

This doesn’t make sense, to me.

We aren’t even dating. He’s not even my boyfriend. I don’t even think he’s INTERESTED!

We’ve never been intimate!

Ouch. OUCH!

For FUCK’S sake!

Why is/are the god, goddess, gods, universe, or fate like this with me! I know I was built strong, but damn.

I’m so tired.

Can I just have it easy for once in my LIFE?!

Just. Once.

One time.

This sucks.

He is literally amazing, and the fear of losing him as my friend is so terrifying I can’t tell him how I feel.

But the pain of keeping it inside is so deep. It’s so ragged and raw.

In order for me to feel okay, I have to hit publish. But when I hover over the “publish” key, I panic. Heart racing, and sweat begins to bead at my brow. What if he sees and knows? What if family reads and wonder? What if… What if… What if… The epitome of anxiety, all because I feel a very strong feeling for another human being. But I MUST share, in order to help me move forward.

I am in love so deep that I never saw it coming until I was drowning.

I’m drowning in it.

Drowning!! No life boat. No floatation devices. No hand pulling me out. Drowning.

For now, I will put my pajamas on, crawl into bed, and put on Disney+, and go to sleep.

I won’t focus on this. This will not be the whole of my life. I will keep moving.

One.foot.in.front.of.the.other.

Just keep moving.

Just keep writing.

Mental Freedom.

Thank you for reading.

Good night world.

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