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Can I just tell everyone that for the last 3 weeks I have looked at my phone, at 8:18am and 8:18pm almost every single day. Not on purpose. I just glance at my phone and that’s the time.

Mitch’s birthday is August 18th, aka 8/18.

My initial response after a week of this happening was “I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU, MITCH! NEVER!!!”

I just felt like there was a crazy pull like “hey! yo! remember me???” And I just wanted to SMACK my husband! Just, open handed, palm-to-cheek, slap the shit out of him.

I will never forget. NEVER!

Unless I get dementia or Alzheimer’s , but you know what I’m saying.

I was sitting here, and thinking , “hmm. I had a dream last night about two guys I know.”

Both are single men.

One I’ve slept with, but have zero want or need to go there again, as I am just not interested. Easily understood for me. Anyway.

One is a friend.

Neither dream was sexual in any way. Not even a TINY bit.

I slept so well last night. Like, better than I have in the last 2 years an 8 months. Yeah, it’s been that long. Can you even BELIEVE that?

It wasn’t the first dream that made me sleep well. That was a dream about a hookup guy-turned friend, that has AMAZING hair. In my dream he had shaved it Bic-bald. He looked horrible! absolutely terrible. Me, being the person that I am, texted him this morning telling him to never willingly shave his head that way, because he looked awful! haha!

My second dream.

My second dream consisted of a guy friend. Never had an interest in him, aside from once in middle or high school. I don’t remember, really. Anyway. It was a thought that was abandoned as I went my way and he his without him ever knowing that I had even the SLIGHTEST interest in him.

Honestly, I didn’t even think about him, through my life. Never.

When I lost Mitch, he had some circumstances that I will not disclose, but we have kept tabs on each other’s dating lives and basically our lives-in general, since.

We are friends.

We haven’t seen each-other in person since high school, I’m sure.

But I definitely consider him my friend.

We talk almost daily. Our kids are our worlds.

Our work is overwhelming sometimes, but we love it.

Sleep is great when we get it for a full 8 hours.

My dream about him.

My amazing sleep last night…

All it was, was a dream of him, wrapping his arms around me, reassuring me that everything was going to be okay. He never spoke the words, in the dream, but it was the sensation I got from the dream.

Why him? Is it because this guy is a guy who understands me? Could be.

Is it a sign? Are there really signs? I feel like if you’re searching, you’ll always find a sign.

Is it because we knew each-other before, and now we are learning who we each are, at the same time? Maybe?

Is it because this guy is GENUINELY a phenomenal human being? Most likely.

I could have, literally dreamed of anyone.

Who knows?

He is my friend. He will get this blog directly sent to his inbox, no lie. ha.

He knows I’d try dating him, if he were looking for more than just…welll. you know. For safety’s sake, let’s just say, we aren’t on the same page when it comes to dating. He’s about 6 months behind me.

So, the title of this entry.

Sometimes, I grab my phone and see no notifications. Sometimes I pick it up and see some. My hope is that I’ll have a message from that friend. We have weird hours, but there’s a brief time where we are both functioning at the same time, so we chat for a little while. He’s a good person. I absolutely adore his dedication to his kids and his career. I adore his dedication to himself, and his dreams and aspirations in life.

I am in so much adoration of people who have their own obsessions, hobbies and lives. I don’t know why I’m drawn to such busy humans, but I am. I really, truly, 100%am drawn to someone who is willing to put this or that on hold, to see me. One day, I’ll meet that person.

Until then, I will dream of friends who hold me with no ulterior motives. and sleep like a man. I will continue doing me, for as long as it takes. One day, the right guy will come along and be like “THAT’S her! That is HER!” And, I’ll be “her.”

I won’t wait around, or stop my life for it. I won’t withdrawal from dating for it. I will continue living and see where life takes me.

My first soul-mate died. He was my PERFECT match.No comparison.

Will he be my ONLY match?

Only the universe knows.

I will forever put one foot in front of the other, and keep a forward movement, no matter WHAT life throws my direction.

So, the attention I crave is not that of a wanton woman, but that of a woman who wants a man to SEE HER for everything that she is:

A mother.

A widow.

A woman.

A fighter.

An independent human.

Strong.

There is so much more that can describe me, but these are what initially comes to mind. These are the things that really make me who I am.

 

 

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