I’ve started about 15 different times, to make a post. Each time I started writing, I fell asleep, or I hated the way the blog sounded as I read it back to myself. There were a couple times that I had a few too many drinks and started writing, and they came off as rants.

That’s not what I was going for. I still have them saved as drafts in my files. Maybe one day I’ll venture there and read them.

I have so much I want to say, but so little I can ACTUALLY get into, publicly, right now.

I’ve been at my current job since December of 2018, and I absolutely LOVE it there. We all know how I’m the annoying bitch who believes whole-heartedly that everything happens for a reason. Well, I have a job that I love, and coworkers who feel like family, and bosses who actually give a shit about their employees. I love that.

Financial Fears

Recently, I’ve lost my motivation to workout, or grocery shop, or do anything remotely adult-like, except work and pay bills. I traveled so much, so close together, and had previously (back in October and November of 2018) ran up my credit cards, and have been struggling to get intimate control.

Well, I’ve figured it out. I’ve taken a loan to pay my minuscule credit card debt, so I no longer feel like I’m drowning.

I’ve been monitoring my credit, pretty closely, since about November of 2016. I was mortified when I checked my credit report and saw how bad my score was. I LITERALLY cried. I told Mitch “Honey, if you left me, I’d be fucking homeless!” When he saw how stressed I was about my credit, and the bills that were in my name that were being ignored, we discussed my student loans, and getting them paid down. Mitch agreed to let me start autopay for my student loans.Ever so slowly, my credit has crept higher and higher, and I’m doing the things the credit companies suggest, to raise my credit score.

I’m on an upward trend. According to the credit monitoring sites (yes, I use multiple TRUSTED free sites) what I just did could potentially bump my credit score up by 76pts! That would be AMAZING! Please, wish me luck, send good vibes, a prayer, juju, or whatever you do, that I keep this up, because I would never forgive myself if I fail.

Family

Meg and I are growing closer as a unit, every day. I’m the “cool mom”, who is still absolutely the mom.

I’ve always been a HUGE advocate of the “choose your battles” advice, and I chose teaching kindness, acceptance, and love, along with school work as a priority. I try and try with the whole “pick up after yourself!” But I always end up letting everything get a complete disaster then make her clean her stuff up. I just wish there were a way to make kids really truly understand how much easier life is, if you pick up after yourself. I’m sure it’s genetic though. I was a messy messy kid. So was her father. Let’s just hope she grows out of it, soon.

Meg starts high school next month. HIGH SCHOOL! When did this happen? What am I going to do with an anxiety-ridden high school student??? We will figure it out. She has a few GREAT friends. All 4 of the kids have dad-probs. 2 have fathers who passed and 2 have dads who are awful to them (according to the kids. I’ve never met the fathers) The kids are great kids, even if they’re all a little weird. I hope they stay this tight knit group, all through high school. They’re very good for each-other.

Dating

I want to ask you, ladies a question. Did you ever have that crush in elementary school, where you wrote “Mrs. *their last name*” as often as you could, like you were practicing for when you were married to them? I remember one boy that I did this with. One. It seriously makes me laugh, because it’s so ridiculous, and weird and just flat out crazy child’s behavior. But wait…

I had stopped dating for a while. I mean, a little while. I decided to focus on myself, and Megan, my work, health and happiness.

When I was on my way to Nashville for one of my closest friend’s bachelorette party, (back in April) I got a Snapchat message from this guy. This guy (I’ll refer to him as Me. M) was the “boy” from elementary school. I was kind-of seeing someone (I’ll call him the Conservative). I was more “hopeful” that I was seeing someone. The Conservative talked to me every day, like we were dating, and at the time Mr. M messaged me, The conservative and I were a new thing, so I wasn’t sure where it was going. It honestly seemed pretty promising, aside from our HUGE political and religious differences. (Forehead slap) Anyway, when Mr. M messaged me, I told him I was seeing someone, currently, but I was really more focused on myself and Meg.

Mr. M texted every day. We snapped pics of what was happening in our day and sent them to each other. He never left. He never stopped talking to me. He was never rude, nor did he ask me out, again. He was (is) consistent. When the Conservative did the magic trick of disappearing, I just kept talking to Mr. M, and soon, I started smiling, every time I got a message from him.

I realized, about Mid-June that I wanted him to ask me on a date. I had a few drinks one evening and sent him a message. I said “Are you ever going to ask me out again, or have you given up?”

I had, previously, given him shit for smoking. I told him “I’ll never kiss a smoker!”

He responded “I thought you’d never date a smoker?”

I lol’ed and he never said anything about a date.

I purchased 4 tickets for a local comedy show, and invited him and a couple of my other friends to join me.

Mr. M was the only one who showed up.

We had fun. We sat outside after the show, and talked and finished our beers. That was June 29th. (Yes, I’m the weird person who remembers shit like the day of a first date. Plus the comedy show is still in my google calendar. Ha!)

We have had at least one date a week, since that night, and all seems to be going well.

But, I have a confession. I’m not sure if we are on the same page or not. I’m not sure if he realizes how I’ve allowed myself to be more vulnerable, with him. I’m not sure if he wants more from me than just dates and sex. I hope so. I don’t k ow how to broach that subject, because I think it’s just silly, sometimes. I like just watching it play out, but I’m also old, and life is short, and I want to KNOW! I don’t know where I stand in his book, but I know where he is in mine.

I’m not sure how this dating thing works. I’m not sure how you determine when you’ve become a “couple” or anything like that. I’m still just living my life, the best way I know how, and trying to share my world with everyone else.

I’m very much the woman who can talk to anyone. I’m very opposite from Mr. M in this area. I don’t mind that he is a private guy who doesn’t like socializing with strangers. I just hope he doesn’t mind that I’m a very open person, who socializes with EVERYONE. I have been this type of person since I was a tiny tot, inviting “drug dealers” or “gang bangers” (I can’t remember what my mom referred to them as) to my house for whatever reasons I would.

Motivation

I mentioned how my motivation has fizzled, above. But I didn’t mention that today, when I was at hill repeats, struggle-bussing my way through that workout, I regained my motivation.

I haven’t been running much at all the last month and a half. It’s really starting to show.

I’ve decided to get off my ass, and get myself back together, on a regular schedule, and keeping it up. I reset all of my alarms back to earlier than the normal human, and will be getting up and going on my morning runs, again. I emptied my refrigerator, deep freezer and cabinets of all crap food and went grocery shopping today, and filled up on healthy options. I’ll be starting my day, tomorrow with an early run, followed by a lot of meal prepping, for the week. I’m done being unmotivated. I need to keep motivated, and to keep motivated, I need to eat healthy, and have the healthy options readily available.

Now, in order for me to get up and go run, I’ll need to end this here.

Remember, it’s okay to get off track once in a while. Just, don’t get too far off that you can’t find your way back.

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