I know I’ve said a million times, before that I’m not interested in relationships, or having a boyfriend or whatever terminology I had used.

My reasoning for not wanting this type of relationship in my life is to avoid the possibility of heartache, that can accompany such a relationship.

Does anyone trust anymore?

Is there anyone out there who still believes that monogamy is important, not only for your mental health, but for your sexual health as well?

I can’t and I can believe how I got myself into feeling like I wasn’t worthy of being a second half of another relationship. “I’m broken.” “It wouldn’t be fair to you, to date me.” Etc etc etc.

To be fair, to myself, I AM worthy. I am more worthy than I have ever given myself credit for. My life experiences have taught me how to care deeper, and love stronger than I ever have. I’ve learned to appreciate the little things, and enjoy the happy moments.

The life I was given is one of many, MANY ups and downs. I’m talking about all the back, since I was a small child. Foster care. High school drop out. Mentally and physically abused by my mom’s husband. Always living as if I weren’t sure if we were going to be able to pay the bills. Losing my husband, then losing my job.

Luckily, I have survived, and I have grown, and I am thriving. I am learning.

It’s hard to admit that. It hurts to admit that the horrible, awful things that have happened to me, have all made me a better human. I don’t know why it hurts me to admit it. I feel like, admitting how I’ve grown, is like saying “it’s a good thing all these bad things happened!” And it feels like I’m asking the world to throw me what It’s got, like I’m trying to prove to the world, or to god, or the goddess, or gods that I can’t be broken. And that’s not what I want. I’m not looking for more pain and agony. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone or anything. I just need to keep moving, progressively forward.

I mean, I am a better person today, than I was 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 5 years ago.

Being forced to find myself has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

But, finding me, and finding my worth, and knowing what I have to offer makes me like me.

I’m content being alone, and avoiding the people who only want one thing. I’m not sorry that I had my phase of hooking up with people, or having friends with benefits. Without that step in my life, I don’t think I would have realized how much it really does suck to go on, as if I don’t want someone around. Something real. Something with substance.

I do. I want substance. I want all the feels. I want the love that I know I deserve, and I want to find someone who I can trust and fall in love with.

I use the term “find someone” loosely. I’m not looking, but I’m not closed to the idea anymore.

I feel, as I write this, that I am opening myself up to so much criticism, and possibly questions.

I also feel as though, some parts of this may sound like a conceited princess. I get that. But, what I say is true.

I deserve more than hookups and friends with benefits.

Let me get into “friends with benefits” for just a second, while I am thinking about it.

Benefits.

Sex?

What about compassion, and love, and support, and having someone by your side, for the duration?

What about sharing your life?

What benefits are there, when you have sex with a friend?

None. I can tell you this from experience. Someone gets attached, and the other doesn’t. The one who becomes attached, or begins to have expectations ends up hurt, while the other friend just goes on about their life.

It happens.

That doesn’t seem too beneficial to me.

It sounds like the mindset of people who are too afraid to commit and too afraid to get hurt, and too afraid to FEEL!

I know.

I was there.

I’m no longer afraid to feel.

I’m no longer scared of being hurt, scared so deeply that I’d rather not feel the good things, too.

I’m no longer afraid of the things that I once had, and in my mind, I will always have.

Love.

Love is the scariest feeling.

It’s a feeling where you become so vulnerable, and you lay your heart out there, but not just out there. You’re placing your heart into the hands of someone else, and trusting them to keep it going strong.

You’re trusting someone to not drop it, or squeeze it. You’re trusting them to nurture it, and allow it to flourish, to grow and become bigger, and to create this bond, as you, too, hold their heart in the palms of your hands, not crushing or dropping it, also nurturing their heart, allowing it to flourish and become larger and able to take the love between one another and allow it to grow deeper and deeper.

Love is infinite, and unconditional.

Love isn’t on days you pick and choose. It’s on all of the days.

It’s on the days that you are sick or they are sick. It’s on the days when you’re being an asshole or she’s being a bitch.

Love is always.

Love is forever.

Love is work.

Love is pain.

Love is bliss.

Love is the very best of friendships.

Love is something I’m no longer afraid of.

No more fear.

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