It’s been almost 2 years since my husband has passed.
We’ve been through our share of trials, and hardships, heartaches and surprises of the “not-great” quality.
We’ve survived. We have strived for more. I haven’t allowed any of the crap that life has thrown at me, to knock me down.
I’m standing. I am standing tall, and stronger than I have ever been.
As I sit here, and type these words, I think “people may think I’m bragging, or gloating.” That’s not it, at all. I say these things because people need to know, it IS possible to become a stronger person, after every swing of the bat, that’s aimed for your chest, and your head.
This life? This life as a widow, is not for the weak-hearted. It’s not for the thin skinned. This life? It’s really fucking hard sometimes.
I started my new job, and I’ve been there since December 4th, in their OR. I’m used to everyone knowing that my husband passed. I’m not used to the look of shock, when I say “my late husband”, or “when my husband passed…”
I have to remember to pause, then answer when they say “oh my god! I’m so sorry!”
It’s okay though. Because once I respond, the immediate question asked is ALWAYS “WOW, he was so young, though, right?”
I answer with a “yep. He was only 34! Crazy, right?”
I can’t imagine being “weak” in this life. I’d never get anything done. I’d cry every time someone asked me about Mitch. Or I wouldn’t talk about him at all.
I talk about him daily. I mention Mitch’s name every single day. I can’t imagine a world where he isn’t talked about, or remembered for the amazing human he was.
I see Facebook posts, friends and family make, talking about how much they miss Mitchell John. I feel like a prick, because I forget that so many other people loved him, too. Well, I don’t forget, I just don’t think about it, and I am sorry. He was a pretty amazing man.
I can’t say that life has been all bad, though. I was so lucky, soooooooo lucky, after being fired for reasons that weren’t actually true, I landed a pretty sweet gig at a new location, and I am happy there. I was only out of work for a month and a week. That’s pretty amazing, and I believe lucky. Every place that called for the prescreening interviews asked why I was no longer with the last place of employment. I’m a terrible liar, and didn’t know how to answer. “I was fired”, was my response. The phone calls ended almost immediately after.
Everywhere but one place.
I went on my already planned and paid for vacations, and I even went to Tulsa, for a workout and a ninja competition, this month.
I love living. I love life. I hate that I’m spending my life without my soulmate, but, will shall meet again, at some point. Until then, I am going to live. Meg is going to live. We are going to live happy, and try to stay healthy.
Speaking of living healthy, I rehired my personal trainer, and have started LIFTING! Ugh! I hate lifting. Like, a lot. I’m getting better at it, slowly, but surely. I’m sure I won’t hate lifting, forever. I am training for another half marathon, and am using the heart rate method to train. Enough about working out, though!
I signed up, to make mashed potatoes, for our work potluck. I made 10lbs of potatoes. I whipped them up, and put garlic and salt and butter and milk, in them. I made 2lbs of bacon, too, so people can make loaded potatoes! (Because I don’t believe in gravy! Haha!)
Any widows out there, I want to tell you, right now, that it IS okay to be happy! Your husband/wife wouldn’t want you to be sad, forever. They wouldn’t want you sad at all. I know when I was sad, during the time before Mitch died, he hated it. My sadness made him sad for me. He did everything he could think of, to cheer me up. So remember the times, during your spouses living years, when you were sad, or upset. Did they buy you flowers? Make you dinner? Draw you a hot bubble bath? Make you a drink? Kiss you, rapid fire, so that you laugh? But you jewelry? Or anything at all to bring your happiness level up?
They don’t want us depressed. They’re probably making silly faces, hoping that we catch the slightest glimpse, and laugh.
So, when life tries to beat you with all it’s got, stand on your two feet, and don’t let it take you down.
Be the strongest version of you, that you can be.