Sure. Life can be a real bitch, sometimes. Ups, downs, and curveballs. It’s a whirlwind of unpredictable circumstances that we have no control over.

Look at my life, for example.

Divorced parents.

Foster care as a child.

Mentally and physically abusive step-father.

First sexual encounter at 13, with an adult man.  Yeah…

High school drop-out.

Cheated on every single man I was with, except Mitch.

Finally found the man of my dreams, and spent 16.5 years with him, only to have him die, when we were 34.

Fired.

So… Here’s the deal. I can look at everything that has happened in my life, and use those things as an excuse to be a bitch to everyone I encounter. I could throw trust out the window, and never open up to anyone, ever again. I could do so many things, and blame my circumstances, and a LOT of people would be okay with that.

OR…

I can take each and every thing that I have ever experienced in my life, and learn from it. I can learn from it all, and grow, and heal from each thing that could have royally fucked me up.

I have read it a million times. I have heard it, and I stand by it: It’s not what life throws your way, that defines you, as a human. It’s how you handle the things thrown at you.

I recently had a doctor’s appointment, to make sure I am physically capable of doing my job at the new place. I was asked first, about my marital status and “OH MY! But, you’re so young!” Yep. I sure am. He was as well. Then, I didn’t list my religious affiliation, on my medical file, because, that’s really no-one’s business but mine. Right? Well, the very kind, very very nice doctor proceeded to preach to me for about 10 minutes about how Jesus is real. I could not be upset with her at all. She believes it. She did exactly what the Bible says to do. She was kind, and expressed her passion for “the lord”, and everything.

I am agnostic. I feel like when people hear that, they think they can sway my belief. It’s more along the lines of, I believe that something is out there, but who are we to know exactly which being is the ONE true leader?

I was most definitely closer to atheist before Mitch died. Since he died, I have experienced so many things that could be described as “other-worldly” or spiritual, and have seen that SOMETHING is going on. I don’t know what, but there’s something after we die. (my opinion…)

Okay, enough of that.

There were so many people who said she was being very unprofessional, and stepped out of line, etc etc etc. I didn’t mind, so much. I was a bit uncomfortable, but that’s because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and wasn’t quite sure how to let her know that. I am all for other people’s beliefs in things that make them better humans. If you believe in God, and Jesus and you believe they saved you, and they give you faith, and all that Jazz, great! I know that I work hard to get the things I get, and that I have humans on my side, that vouch for me, in many areas of my life.

I try to live my life as a good person. I feel like the best thing that we can do, while here on earth, is be kind, compassionate, and accepting.

We have media, in this world that only shows the bad, but, it’s better to know that there is still greatness out there. Hold a door for that person walking behind you. Buy someone’s coffee at the coffee shop, if your budget allows it. Live below your means. Don’t hold grudges. Call your parents or your Grandparents. Be a good human, no matter what you can gain. Don’t let what’s happened to you, in your life, lead you to become a horrible human.

Love…

I can honestly tell everyone, that I have never loved anyone as deeply, and as unconditionally as I loved Mitch. (and Megan, of course, but I am talking about men in my life.)

I feel bad and I don’t but I loved Mitch more than I loved my parents. I loved him so so deeply, and when he died, I was convinced I would never even attempt a relationship again. Never. It was what it was. I would be an old single lady, forever. I wasn’t sad about that.

Not even a little bit.

A few months back, I started to develop feelings for someone. OMG! right? I think they were definitely unwarranted, false feelings, and I took some time to really figure it out, and realized it wasn’t what I thought it was, but… It opened my eyes to a new reality. I am open to future relationships. Kind-of. I am not sure how I would do with actually seeing someone, and falling for them, then being dumped. eeeek! The thought alone sucks. I’m sure I’d be just fine, but that would sting, and I really don’t want to be stung. But I am open to it. Oddly enough… Ha.

I have also found, and it annoys me, that I talk about myself a lot. I try not to, and physically will bite my tongue, so I don’t talk, sometimes. Just what every guy wants: A woman who talks about herself all the time.

I don’t think that I have always been this way. I think it started when Mitch died. I felt like people looked at me in a way that was too much for me. I felt like they needed to know my story, and so I told it. I told it, because I am strong. I know that I am mentally strong, and without sounding conceited, emotionally and mentally stronger than most people I have encountered, that have been in any of the situations I have been in. I don’t say that because I saw it first. I say that, because people have told me, over and over, and I am starting to accept it. I see widows and widowers who are definitely worse of, mentally, than I am. And that is okay! It is okay to break. I will never fault anyone for breaking when the love of their life dies. NEVER.

I didn’t turn to alcohol, drugs, or sex to rid myself of feeling. Sure, I have a beer now and then. Sure, I absolutely have sex, but, the guy has got to be something special, to catch my attention.

I don’t use drugs of any kind. I barely even use pre-workout for racing.

I have had many interruptions and have lost track of my thoughts. I think the gist of this blog is this:

Don’t let the things in life define you. Let the way you handle the things life throws at you, define you. Be graceful, and accepting, and loving and caring. Be a great human, and do it in the easiest way possible.

Just Be Kind.

Life really is a bitch. But, we can do this. We can make it. We can get through this life, and be great human beings, no matter what life throws at us.

I believe in us.

goodnight world.

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