Dearest Sweet Mitchell,                          10/01/2017

It’s no secret that I miss the fuck out of you. My heart aches as I type this. There are so many things that I want to tell you.

I raced, yesterday. I didn’t place or do amazing. I did average. As I asked my friends how they did, and they got took 5th and 8th and 2nd place, they asked how I did, and my answer was simple. I said “well, two and a half hours after I started, I finished!” And they high-fived me!  You would have had a BLAST as a spectator,  at this CTGXTC. You would have made fun of me, for getting stung by a bee, about a quarter mile into the race, but, you would have been proud of me, for finishing. You were always so proud of me. Always bragging about me doing OCR.

Over the last 8 Months, this group of people became like family to Meg and I. I’ve already decided, next year, I am doing every single Conquer the Gauntlet race. That’s the race you told me I should try, and I told you no way, at first, because it was way too hard! “There’s no fucking way I’ll ever finish one of those races!” Well, now I’ve finished quite a few!

Meg was failing Science! FAILING IT! The excitement, and pride in her voice when she brought that F up to a D, basically over night, was a sound to hear. Other than that one class, she had As and Bs in all the other classes.

This might explain why she was failing science… Megan started her TWELFTH time through Stranger Things! TWELVE TIMES! She should know the entire script, by heart, right now, and be paid to quote it from beginning to end, and mock their voices, too. She got Bob to binge the entire season one, last night, which is hilarious, to me!

You’d be so disappointed in my lack of self-restraint, as I ate pizza rolls for dinner, tonight. So did Megan…

I am scared. I love you, and I will always and forever love you. You were my once in a lifetime.  Will I get so very lucky, to have a second in a lifetime? I don’t know. I’m taking one step at a time, putting One foot in front of the other. Some days it hurts more than others. Some days, I trip and land on my face, other days, I feel fine, but then I feel awful, about feeling fine, even though I know that is absolutely ridiculous.

I am scared, because, I started talking to someone a few weeks ago, and he is pretty amazing. I won’t compare, because, that’s not right, but, I know you’d approve. He knows about everything, you, me and Meg. He knows, and he accepts it all. I almost said he embraces it, but, I think that may be the wrong word. He isn’t afraid to say your name, or talk about how awesome you are, or how he knows how you changed my life around. He read (and reads) this entire blog. I’m not sure how long it’ll last, how far it’ll go, or anything like that, and I’m not worrying about that. I know, we agreed to take each day as they come, and to just be in the present, right now. There’s no rush on anything. No ultimatums. He never tells me how I should grieve or not grieve. Not once, has he said anything but good things.

He also knows, and accepts that if you were still alive, I wouldn’t see him in this way.  My eyes were only for you (and movie/TV stars)!

I am scared to death, to post this, because I am scared of hurting people’s feelings. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, or make people mad, because I’m not doing anything wrong. But, as a person who can see things from all angles, I understand how this information is going to make people question me, maybe even make them not want to talk to me.

I can handle someone being mad at me, but, i can’t handle hurting someone. You know this. You always knew it.

I’m not sure how much clearer I can be, but, my love for you didn’t die, that day your spirit moved on. I still love you every bit as much, as I ever did. That will never change. Anything else I am able to do, (dating, relationships, etc), that is just my heart expanding, to allow more in. (I read that in another widow’s blog, and completely agreed with her.)

Well, I am exhausted, so I am going to go to bed early, tonight.

I miss you every day.

I love you, always and forever.

Tabbie

3 thoughts on “I’m Scared. A Draft from 10/1/2017.

  1. Tabbie you are a very strong woman and have accomplished so much. Your stronger than I could ever be. Nobody should be hurt or mad. Your young honey and you are doing great. Nobody should ever doubt your love for Mitch. It’s been all over your face since the day you met him. I personally think moving ahead chapter by chapter is a good thing. The struggles are real and that is what life gives us day to day. There’s always chance for a second love. We all know Mitch will live in your heart forever. That been said I’m very proud of you. Do what’s in your heart and know everyone will always love you. I love you! Please don’t back up . Know this you are my hero! Aunt Karen!

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    1. Thanks. ❤️ I was looking through drafts, and came across this one, from last year. It’s so crazy. I’m not seeing said person, anymore, but he and I are still friends. I realized, by dating him, I wasn’t actually mentally ready to be in a relationship. That’s so much work, and my focus is Meg. Period. I race, in my free time, work and take care of Megan. I don’t have time for anything serious. But I remember why I didn’t post this. I was afraid. I was scared of what everyone would think of me. Now, I’m not. It’s amazing what a year can change in a person.

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