So, I find myself unconsciously avoiding pictures of Mitch, posted by our friends or family on social media.
Please don’t get me wrong. I miss the FUCK out of that man. But, those who know us, know that we weren’t the oooey-gooey, mushy kind of social media couple. We didn’t need to be. We were always confident in our love for one another, and didn’t care who knew or didn’t know.
That being said, I am still the same. I’m not posting sad, mushy, posts, not because I don’t feel those feels, because good god I do!
It’s just that I’m sure you all know I hurt, in my own way, and that I miss him, horribly, from the time I wake up, until I go to bed at night.
Now, with all of that said, I can share with you, why I think I avoid the photos, or what really happens to my brain, when someone posts a pic of Mitch, that I may or may not have seen before.
For a blink, I think “OMG! MITCH!” Like he is alive.
But I know that’s not true.
The sense of loss crashes over me, with such force that it causes temporary paralysis. I’m stuck, for a split second, that feels like forever. The pain starts low in my belly, and, like lava, it pushes upward, into and throughout my heart and mind, until I am snot-crying in my car, in front of work.
I forget things, like football (Thanks for reminding me, Chuckles), because I don’t have Mitch constantly talking about football, all day, every day. I mean, he talked about football so much, I started to automatically block his voice, during football season.
I think this month is harder than any other months, for me. On the 18th, he would have been 36. On the 22nd we would have celebrated 18 years, together. That would have been whole adult worth of time!
The thing that I really want to say is this. Do not stop posting your pics of Mitch, when the feeling strikes.
This sense of loss will always be here for me, and sometimes, it’s really good to feel human. A lot of the time, my mind is numb. I race, I workout (when I’m NOT injured), I work, and take care of Meg.
Maybe I keep myself too busy to acknowledge the pain? Sounds like something I would do, without even realizing I am doing it.
Here’s to fantasy football. 2018/2019!