If you know me, you know the title of this blog is deceiving. I can’t do “in a nutshell”. ha! But here I go.
I haven’t written in a while, and I feel like my blogs are a bit, lacking, actually. I have feelings, and I share them, and I miss my husband, more than anyone can understand, if they haven’t lost their spouse, before. It’s hard to see that, on the exterior of my being, but, I miss him. Every single day, I miss him. It’s okay to miss him. It’s okay to have 3-5 bags of his ash in my car, at any given time. It’s okay that I no longer wear the Urn Necklace with our wedding rings on it. It’s okay. All of it is okay.
This blog is going to bounce all over. Sorry.
I haven’t posted much, recently, because, I will sit down, start to type, because something huge strikes me in that very moment, then POOF! I am distracted. I am up, remembering something that I need to pack, or making Megan do some chore, going to the gym, or cooking. It’s nonstop, and if I get distracted during writing, I lose all momentum. I will read it back and think “good lord! I really talk a lot about myself, don’t I?” and end up deleting the blog. In reality, this blog IS about me. It’s about my surviving the loss of the best thing that ever came into my life. It’s about the things I do, or don’t do, that I would have never imagined myself doing, in my very recent past. It’s about my confessions since becoming widowed on January 25th, 2017. It’s about all of that.
It’s also about letting other men and women know that they aren’t alone, out there.
You miss sex? FIND SOMEONE AND HAVE SEX! Just fucking do it! Be honest with yourself, and with your partner, but do not deny yourself the things you want to have.
You want to travel? FUCKING DO IT! It costs nearly nothing to drive 8 hours away, stay a weekend, and head home. It’s fun. It’s a stress relief. It’s what you want to do!
Wanna date, but not have sex. FUCKING DO IT! Go out, meet people, have a good time. Be HONEST. Don’t lead anyone on.
Wanna be a hermit? DON’T DO IT! BAAAAAAAD! ha! Just kidding. Do it, but limit your hermit time. It’s a dangerous thing to commit to. It becomes so easy to avoid everything and everyone. Social interaction is good for widows and widowers. It’s important, even if everyone you encounter pisses you off. You FEEL, and that’s what’s important.
Being numb is no way to live life.
Get raging pissed. Fall madly in love. Get obsessed with something (never someone, unless it’s yourself), make new friends, cut ties with “friends” who don’t make you priority. Make time for the ones you love. Take your grandpa or grandma to a movie. Be present.
About dating and meeting people. I have met a fun variety of people this last year. I really love people. Most of you know, without a shadow of a doubt, I am a full on extrovert, in every sense of the way. I love meeting new people, and making friends. I love going to the movies with friends/dates/family/etc. It’s fun.
I have written about some of my experiences. Most recently, I went on a date, for Thai food, with a man that I met on *GASP* a dating app. No big deal. I show up and thought “holy shit! He looks like a young, very handsome Pre-presidential Barack Obama!” That was my first thought. ha! I always thought Barack was the sexiest president we ever had.
Anyway, we talked, had Thai, and still talk. He’s nice. Not weird, or ass-hole-like. He’s interesting. Easy to talk to, most of the time. That’s as much as I am going to talk about him.
So, I was writing this blog last night, and of course I got distracted, and stopped writing. I nearly deleted the last 2 paragraphs. See? I need designated writing time,
I have to quit getting distracted. I need to make it 100% clear that I am busy and shut off my phone, and lock myself in my bedroom.
If I filter too much, this blog will be boring to read.
Not that that is what is the important thing. I want to be honest. I want to share with you the things that I am SCARED to share with people. If I overthink about the blogs, I start to worry about what readers will think. That’s what I am FIGHTING against!
There is a stigma that is associated with being a widow. I’ve touched on it, lightly, before, but I will mention it until I am blue in the face, if it helps get the stigma removed.
A widow should not feel ashamed, or like she is doing anything wrong, for dating, or having sex. I LOVE going to dinner, or playing pool with new people. It’s conversation. It’s enjoying the company of another human being.
Most widows will tell you, it’s not for comfort, so much as being social, or having someone around who thinks your beautiful, again. Its nice when someone finds you attractive. That’s no lie. I know, my momma thinks I’m pretty, and friends call me hot. It’s not the same as seeing the eyes of someone who WANTS you. I think that sounds way worse that it should. ha! I was with Mitch for all those years, and he looked at me with that look in his eyes, every fucking day of our life, together. Every day, you could see the hunger in his eyes. It feels good. Do I NEED it from other men? No way! But is it still flattering? AbsoFUCKINGlutely!!
When I go out on dates with anyone, there is a 100% up-front, completely honest approach. “Hey, just so you know, I am not having sex with you.” It’s that simple. Now, I HAVE had sex on a first date, but, it’s not something that’s always happening. That’s just too risky.
I am also very up front that I am not looking for a replacement husband, or even a boyfriend, because I don’t have the ability to put some guy before my daughter, or racing. My daughter comes first. Period. I am not going to pawn her off, to have sex. I can’t do that, in good conscience. I will go on a short dinner date or whatever, AFTER I feed her, but nothing more. Most guys are only looking for sex. Period. So, they don’t believe how serious I am about not giving it up, right away. They don’t think I am serious when I tell them my daughter is my number 1. They talk for a couple days, realize I’m not a booty call, and go on with their lives. I’m okay with that. I don’t need people in my life, that don’t listen to what I say.
I don’t beat around the bush. I don’t lead people on. I DEFINITELY treat people the way I want to be treated.
I am honest, please, be honest with me. It’s that simple, right?
So, moving on from that topic, to another. You. all know I am a racing machine. I am always out of town, doing one race or another. I have this weekend off, so I am taking Mitch’s grandpa to a movie, and out for lunch. He was widowed right around this time, last year. I am excited to do this. I hardly ever have free time, so this is my weekend to get that man to a funny movie. I love him like he is my grandpa.
I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I didn’t talk to him right after grandma died. I was afraid I was going to say the wrong thing. Then when I started to really think about it, I felt stupid, then it got to be such a long time, and I became embarrassed. What the fuck was my problem? I’m a fucking widow, too! I know all I wanted was for friends and family to treat me normal. To not walk on eggshells around me, to be themselves. It was so important to me. I feared the look of pity in peoples’ eyes. It is still something I hate. I will start talking about Mitch, as if he is alive, but I realize that sometimes the people I am talking to don’t know that he passed away, so I say it really fast, “Oh by the way, I’m not cheating on my husband, he passed away January of 2017.” When I say that, people are like, “Oh my god! I am so sorry!” And I just wave the apology away, and say thank you.
But, back to grandpa. I’m going to make more effort to be around him. To be around family.
I am very talkative, so why should it be hard to talk to him? It isn’t!
OH! And my talkative, open nature makes people think I am needy. I think that’s hilarious! I try to explain how NOT needy I am, but, I only try to explain once. If they don’t get it, I stop talking altogether. My LACK of neediness is probably my best “feature”. lol!
This weekend, I am in town. Then I go to Oklahoma City, OK, for a race, and can’t wait to have all the fun! I see all my OCR friends, and race the race, and have a blast. Meg is going to take over the Merchandise tent with a friend’s mom. It’s always fun!
Then, I have a COUPLE weeks off! A COUPLE!! That’s great! I have one week to get together with family and friends, then I have one week to possibly have a date. Who knows, though?
I guess only time will tell.
Until next time, friends!
Have a good night.