My mother-in-law posted pics tonight.
Mitch was in them.
It hurts to see his smiling face, like he’s still here.
It brings tears to my soul.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ll never stop looking at his photos. I’ll never stop reading the things he wrote. I’ll never stop remembering him.
But some days it hurts worse than others and today is one of those days .
Jesus Christ, god damn, I miss him.
I was just talking to a friend, who was my very best friend in 1st and 2nd grade, until her family had to move away. We didn’t reconnect until Meg was in 2nd grade. But reconnect, we did!
She told me how she loved seeing the pictures of us, because our love was visible through pictures. She isn’t the only person who has told me this. My heart aches, every single time I think about him being gone.
Sometimes. Sometimes, I feel ashamed for continuing to Move forward with my life. Even though I know, I can’t do anything BUT move forward.
A lot of things I do, like having sex with other men, I know I wouldn’t be doing if Mitch were alive. Now, don’t get me crazy. I’m not sleeping a bunch of men. I say “other men” meaning, a man who isn’t Mitch, but never more than one man at a time. I know. No one wants to read that. No one wants to know that. But it is true.
It is life.
At least, it’s my life.
Mitch really set the bar so very high. So. Very. High.
I was so lucky, so fucking lucky to have met, and have been blessed by the presence of Mitch. To have been the woman he chose to spend his life with. He could have had any woman, if I’m being honest, and he chose me. ME! That’s not a bragger’s comment. It is the thoughts of a woman who never thought she would find a man who would treat her the way Mitch treated me. He always made me feel like I was too good. Like he was the lucky one. He had a way like that, about him. We all felt like we were the lucky ones, for knowing and loving him, right? But if you asked him, he would tell you how lucky he was that he was graced with your presence. I know, it sounds confusing, but, those of you, who were close enough, know what I’m saying. WE were the lucky ones, but he would disagree.
In the words of Mitch,
And good night.