I should have started this one on 1/1/18, but it didn’t strike me until today. Rather than posting a blog every day, I’m going to make shorter journal type entries, all in the same entry, and post today.
I woke up this morning, feeling like I slept like a rock! Great sleep! I rolled out of bed, and looked through my “on this day”.
Mitch was there.
I scroll, and last year, the last January 8th I’d have with Mitch, was a picture of my refrigerator contents, captioned “when your hubby is broken, you’re a good wife and meal prep for the whole family.” That was like a knife through the heart. I hadn’t realized he was hurting for as long as he was.
Then, I scroll and January 8th of 2012, Mitch blew up my Facebook, and I remember this. He was doing it to make my phone bing with notifications.
So, as I was thinking back in the fond memories, another memory snuck into my mind, and I nearly hit the floor.
I remember I laughed, the same day that Mitch died. I LAUGHED! Not at his death, or at the fact that he died, no.
I was on the phone with Midwest transplant, answering questions, and I couldn’t remember the PAs last name, that Mitch had been seeing, for his knee. I remembered someone told me his name in English was “Vagina Helmet”, and so I told the transplant lady that, and laughed!
I was sitting in front of most of the immediate family, and most of the best friends, and LAUGHED!
I felt like a horrible human being.
I woke up feeling like a million bucks! I meal prepped yesterday, so I have lunches, snacks, and dinners for most of the week.
As I prepped, I remembered the year before. I remember cutting up the celery, a year ago. I remember washing and slicing the strawberries, and cleaning the grapes. I remember taking Mitch a giant bowl of grapes, so he could have a snack on the couch.
I remember a year ago, thinking “this isn’t fair!” I was so tired, and I just wanted Mitch to feel better! I felt like that was asking for too much.
I really had no idea what “tired” really was. Not for a couple more weeks.
2 years ago, Mitch bought me some scratcher tickets. That was a fun time!
5 years ago, today, I was listening to Mitch and my wedding song. Guess what happened? It started playing as I scrolled through Facebook, without my touching “play”
That’s all for today.
Today, Mitch wasn’t in my “on this day”. It was kind of disappointing. He didn’t even respond to things I posted in the last, involving him.
Mitch was all over my memories feed. It was like “whoa! Did he see this? Did he read my mind?”
His humor is what most people knew and loved about him. I took a little screen video of a post and the comments. I can’t say that I wasn’t laughing out loud at 5:15am.
people's spelling/grammar, etc. one of his favorites was your and you're. Ha! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Now, some more pictures from 1/11/2018, that made me smile!
ld be. He was the definition of the perfect husband, and the perfect father, and I miss him.
It's getting closer. It's less than 2 weeks now, until 1 year. People talk about restaurant week, and that was something I tried to talk him into doing with me, but he was too tired. It is crazy the things that spark your memories. It's like it was days ago.
I went to a friend's house, last night, for games and drinks. I took a friend I met back in April, at warrior dash. He drank a bit, as well, so I made him sleep on the couch.
I found that I am nearly too old to play drinking games, and survive. I'll stick to non-drinking card games, from now on. Where it took Mitch a bottle of liquor to show any signs of drunkenness, it takes me about 3 beers. I do not need help, by a game telling me to chug. Ha. I mastered the art of "pretending to chug".
Next party will be at my place!
Mitch totally would have made fun of me, and made me drink it all. But then, he would have been there, at my side, rubbing my back, keeping my hair from my face, and puke, and handing me a bottle of water to rinse my mouth out with.
My stomach has been in twisted knots since January 1st. And that hasn't changed.
Today, is a mommy/Megan day, even though her friend will probably be staying the night tonight.
My schedule is so full of all kinds of stuff, I feel like we are never home. I just want to sit with Meg, her head in my lap, while I play with her hair. Like before. Like when everything was normal. Even if it's just for 5 minutes.
My thoughts are all over the place today.
Today, I woke up, and there was a tiny bit of Mitch in my on this day, but I had so much more fun after charging one of his very old phones, and scrolling through the photos.
It was so much of his personality, just bursting through every photo, and every meme, and every download. There were videos, and everything!
I wish I was tech savvy enough to get the videos onto this phone, so I can share them here.
I have been in a world of awe, today. I've organized my desk and my calendar for bills. I am getting on my game, because this year is going to be insane!
Meg and I are going to make this year memorable, and fun, and amazing!
Accepting that my life is what it is is what helps me get through every day. Even though I hate that Mitch is gone, it is fact that he won't be home to hold me, or kiss me, or make me dinner.
One foot in front of the other.
10 days in 9 days it will be a year since I last held my husband's hand. 9 days. 10 days and it'll be a year since I saw him laying in bed, next to me.
Last night, I signed up for a membership to Planet fitness, so I can go to the gym before work. $10/mo for a year. Okay. Sure. Why the hell not, right?
This morning, I woke up at 3:30, so I could go to the gym. It was lovely!
I nearly freaked out when Meg still hadn't answered her phone, by 1pm. (Teenagers!) Many of you may not know this about me, or about my situation. I have mini panic attacks when I call someone I love, and they don't answer. To let you inside of my head, I called Mitch for 30 minutes straight, the day he died. Call, ring until VM, end, call, ring until VM, end… over and over and over. And when I pulled up to his work, I stopped calling, and found out moments later that he had died.
I know it isn't something that most people understand, and for the love of all things, I don't want anyone to understand, because that would mean you've lost someone you love.
I know I shouldn't panic, but I do, because when I called and called Mitch, I was angry. I was so sure he was cheating on me, and I was going to let him know that I knew!
And I couldn't have been more wrong.
I kick myself for getting mad at him, without a real reason.
I feel like this is probably the reason why I don't hang onto anger, anymore. I get angry, so don't get confused. But I don't assume, or hang on to that anger, anymore.
So, I'll be okay, with minor panic attacks, when my kid doesn't answer the phone.
1/18/2018- No Entry
e days that I was in a generally good mood, but kept having memories assault me, through the day.
When I woke up, I opened the "on this day" on Facebook, and exactly one year ago, I danced around my living room, kissing my husband, grinding my body on him (aka "freak dancing") and laughing. I also nearly cried that night, because he wasn't coming out with me, to have dinner with work friends. I was sad that he was too tired to come, but excited to go out with my work family.
I don't feel guilty about going out without him. I feel sad that I didn't spend that night with him, because he died 6 days later. I could have had one more evening with him.
I did bring him food, from the restaurant we went to. He said it was disgusting, but was glad I had fun and thought about him.
Tonight, Meg and I went to Cheddar's for dinner. That place is so jam packed full of Mitch memories, it almost hurts.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
me going there, he was in awe of the fans above our heads. He thought they looked so cool and original. I remember the time we all three went, and the waitress tried to befriend Meg and talked her into trying the spinach dip. I remember when we went out with a group, and Aunt Cindy was there, and Brady, and we ate, and laughed, and had a great time. I remember Mitch and I arguing about letting Meg cut her own steak, when she would get up to go to the bathroom. I told him to give her the damn knife, she needed to learn someday, and he refused, and would cut it up for her, all the time.
So, today, when we sat down at Cheddar's, I ordered an Arnold Palmer, and the server said "um… I'm gonna guess that is an alcoholic beverage?" And I started laughing! Mitch used to get onto me about ordering an "Arnold Palmer, half iced tea half lemonade". He thought I sounded rude, because "every server knows what that is, Tabbie!"
I told Meg I wished Mitch was there, so I could tell him "I told you so!" She laughed, and agreed.
I'll sleep tonight. Maybe I will dream of him, and maybe I won't. But I will sleep in my bed, with my "cuddle pillow", instead of my husband. And, for how NOT okay that is, I will be fine. I will continue to move forward, making every step I take, count for something good.
A year ago was the last time we attended a party together. I drank a whole bottle of white wine, and then some. We were at my friend's girlfriend's house. We played games and everyone loved Mitch. He wasn't feeling well, and had to work the next morning.
I remember he complained that he couldn't sleep, but it had nothing to do with noise. I went up to lay with him, because sometimes that would help him fall asleep. Well, laying with him and/or having sex… But sex wasn't happening, as I quickly felt the urge to vomit, as soon as I laid in the bed.
He followed me to the bathroom, rubbed my back, held a cool cloth to my head, and wiped the vomit away from my lips. He poured me a cup of water, and handed me a tube of toothpaste. He knew what I liked, and how to get the puking to stop.
He was my hero. Always my hero. But looking back, he couldn't sleep, because it's a part of heart distress. I read about it, shortly after he died. So here he was, literally dying, but taking care of me. If that isn't the definition of a hero, I don't know what is.
Mitch went to work that Saturday morning, after taking care of me, into the wee hours of the morning. He came back to my friend's to pick me up.
The drive home was awful, for me. I ended up making him pull over, so I could vomit more! He threw a bottle of water out of the opened passenger door, as I knelt in the street and puked into the grass between the curb and sidewalk in some upscale JOCO neighborhood. We laughed so hard about that, later that day. A jogger went by me, as I wretched.
The things we found amusing.
I sat thinking today, about the night/early morning when Mitch proposed to me. We were playing Circle of Death, at outlet friend's apartment, underage.
We played. We were trashed. The rule card "never have I ever" came up, and Mitch or someone said "Never have I ever slept with a woman, (or had a threesome)"… And I drank. Because I had.
Mitch's face turned bright red. He put his drink down, and walked out the front door of the apartment. It was a couple of hours before we saw him. He bypassed me, and went straight into the bathroom, locked the door, and wouldn't talk to anyone.
When he finally allowed me into the bathroom, he kept a towel over his face, because he didn't want to talk to me, or see me, in that moment.
I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and let him calm down, further.
He came out, while I was lighting my second cigarette. He brought one to smoke too.
His face was still red, and his eyes glassy. He sat down next to me and grabbed my hand.
He looked me in my face, and said "From this day forward, let's just leave the past in the last, and start our future together. Are you okay with that?"
I responded, with my head down, "yes. I am."
Then he grabbed my chin, to make me look at him, gently. He told me "I love you, more than I ever thought possible. I want to spend my entire life with you. Will you marry me?"
I cried. There was no ring. There was nothing but his words. His amazing, heartfelt words of love and acceptance.
So here I sit, crying about how he proposed, and knowing that I will NEVER forget it. Never!
There was nothing in my Facebook memories with Mitch, except a post he made 5 years ago, about me being able to go to the gym without telling everyone about it. It made me laugh, because I forgot to set my alarm, for this morning, so I could go to the gym, and run. I was going to post it on Facebook. Ha! It's on, for tomorrow!
As the days creep closer and closer, I don't understand the lightness I feel. I miss him. I still, very much love him.
I have a feeling he is happier than any one of us. Happy, healthy, and free.
Here's what was next to my coffee maker this morning.