With each day that passes this month, and each Facebook memory, and the vast differences from the memories, and now, a little dread creeps in. Each day gets a little harder. It hurts a little more. I don’t understand it.
It is what it is.
I took the day off, that will mark the one year date. I have not used “anniversary” because I don’t feel like it’s something to be celebrated.
But each day that goes by, is one day closer to Mitch being gone, an entire year.
A whole year. It seems like just yesterday, he was here, laughing, making fun of us all, but it also feels like he has been gone a lifetime.
It has been a year of remembering, and talking, and tears and laughter.
A year full of surprises, adventure, and new lives. A year of sadness, and of death and bad news. A year of work, and school, and family and friends. A year of us. A year of growth, and love, bonding and finding ourselves.
The last 12 months have shown us, not only how to do all the things we never expected to be doing, but that we CAN do it all.
I remember one of my very first thoughts, the day I was told he passed. “How will I pay the bills and still feed us?”
Then I felt terrible for thinking about money. But, realistically, it has to be thought about. Also, realistically, I needed to continue to grieve, and not think about the money, as an added stressor.
I think that’s what makes grieving so hard for wives and husbands who are widowed. You have to pause your grieving, to take care of the time sensitive matters, and pick up where you left off, days or even weeks later.
And don’t get me wrong, grieving is hard for every loss, I am sure. So, please don’t think I am comparing in a “this is worse than that” way, because that’s so far from what I feel.
All grief is equally unique, and individualized.
Something I have learned, on this unpaved, rocky, twisting path, is that we all process differently, as well. Some need professional therapy, where some prefer and benefit from talking with friends. Some write in a journal, and some blog.
Then, there are physical releases as well. Working out, running, walking, yoga, meditation, kick boxing, karate. The list is endless!
But, not everyone does the same thing.
Something new, that I started this year, is competing with myself. Did I do that better than the last time? Was I faster? Was I more steady? Did I hold longer than last time? Etc.
I LOVE when I beat my records. I don’t care how great you are, there is ALWAYS room for improvement. Never forget that.
I’ve got plans for the 25th, and will be surprising everyone when the movie I create, is finished. It will be memorable, to say the very least.