No no. I’m not pissed off or angry or anything like that.
However, I did get a little mad today. I never check my work emails, because I never have time to check it at work. Well, today, I had to go through the process of setting up my anger management stuff, because our company switched providers, so I had to get into my emails.
I sent an email to the three people in charge of this, after my first “counseling” session. I never saw the response until today.
One responded with “I disagree with your first paragraph.” Okay. I’ll share with you all, my first paragraph:
“I wanted to start this off, by saying thank you for allowing me the opportunity to keep my position, here, at *Work Place*. I know that I can prove to you all that I do not have an anger problem, and that the hole by the locker room was an accident, no matter what mood I was in at the moment. I just happened to be angry in that particular moment, and I am sorry that a hole was what came of the situation.”
What is there to disagree with, besides proving that I don’t have an anger problem? Does the person disagree that I am sorry about the hole in the wall?
So, the email response I received did make me mad.
Okay. So what. I am entitled to get mad. It is 100% healthy to have feelings.
So, I requested a meeting.
When I requested the meeting, I realized WHY I got so mad about it.
It stems from previous conversations, with that same person, and how they said “I remember my first year of grief, and I was mad at everything, so I know you’re angry. I know how you’re feeling!”
So… to me, and probably to anyone who has ACTUALLY gone through their own grief process, we all know that grief is like a thumbprint. We are all going to handle it differently, with our own jumbled feelings. Comparing your first year to my first year isn’t fair. I am not you. I am not angry for unreasonable things.
Curious. Questioning the universe: how do I do this?
Being angry, “at everyone and everything” isn’t reasonable. I am a realistic-optimist. I have spoke on this before, probably close to 10-11 Months ago.
If you don’t believe me, right here, right now, and only think I’m writing these blogs as “proof” that I’m not an irrationally angry person, go back and read from day 1, that I posted very shortly after Mitch’s death.
You know, I said, recently, that I didn’t get angry, and later realized that is an inaccurate statement. Of course I get angry. It’s how I manage my anger that sets me apart from others. Or makes me just the average Jane. I don’t know.
Sometimes, with people I feel are like my family, I will argue, yell, curse, and say things that I’ll feel bad about, later. But, we all, usually, apologize and move on.
With people I don’t know very well, I just let it go. I don’t know you, and you just did or said something that made me not want to know you further, so, no harm to me. Let it go!
I blog… about. Everything!
All of my feelings I have, are put into word form and shared with anyone who stumbles across it.
It makes me feel better. Writing helps me understand everything I feel, want, need, etc. And if someone is able to read any of my blogs and say “ME TOO!” Or “I do feel that way, as well!” Then, Great!
I know, and will always understand that your grief is different than my own.
You may be pissed at the world. I am not. I am embracing this new, scary, weird life, because, what else am I supposed to do?
Am I supposed to dwell, and get depressed, and stop going to work, and quit paying bills. Move in with a family member? Stop showering, shaving or getting dressed nice?
I am now the widowed mom, raising one strong, independent teenager, who, even when she pisses me off, I couldn’t possibly love any more than I do. She NEEDS me, and she needs me to be her role model. She needs to see me work, even on days I don’t want to go. She needs to see me set goals, and then achieve them.
She also needs to see me fail, and learn from how I handle failure. Do I throw my hands up and just say “fuck this!” Or do I get right back at it, dig my feet in, and figure out what CAUSED the failure? Then, watch as I strive for achievement!
With all of that said, I will say goodnight.