Since Mitch passed, I’ve made my life, the way it is, by taking a day at a time. I wake up, roll out of bed, and put one foot in front of the other. Even on the days I can’t stand it. I still move forward.
For some, it is so hard, to just roll out of bed. But, in order to pay my bills, and to feed my daughter and myself, it is important, and ESSENTIAL, to do it.
For my sanity, it is essential to keep moving forward.
There is no “moving on”, as many like to say. That term, to me, feels like I am leaving something behind. I am not. I am taking what IS, and holding it close, and moving with it.
I am learning, and growing, and building myself, into a stronger, kinder, more loving, and accepting human being.
I put one foot in front of the other.
I do it.
Yesterday, I went back to my daughter’s elementary school, to run a practice 5k with some of the girls that I used to coach with Girls On The Run.
The last time I was involved with GOTR, it was the morning Mitch died.
I had sent him a text, asking about something with our computer. He never responded, but that was normal.
I went to the school, to make 450 copies of this flyer, that had my cell number, and my personal email address, on it.
As I was finishing up, and walking out the door of the school, my brother called to ask if I’d heard from Mitch, and I said no. He told me that his drivers couldn’t get ahold of him, either, and that was strange.
I think it was at this point, I knew something bad had happened.
I was so busy with girls on he run stuff, that I hadn’t realized Mitch didn’t even OPEN the text message from me.
That day. That was the WORST day of my life.
So, coaching GOTR wasn’t something I was going to be able to do, since I had to change my work schedule, and be there, with Meg.
I might have had some unwarranted hostility towards GOTR. I didn’t realize that I had been AVOIDING it, until I volunteered to come run with the girls.
When I messaged the current coach, I nearly had a panic attack, and started to cry.
I was returning, if only for 1 afternoon, to do the last thing I did as a woman who was happily married to her best friend.
There’s one foot in front of the other, and then there’s diving head first.
I felt like I was diving head first, yesterday.
So, I ran. I ran as long as I could, without stopping, and that was the longest I’ve ever ran without stopping to walk. I was at 2 miles before I needed to slow down.
I beat my personal road running speed, by one minute for a 5k.
I started cooking, regularly, healthy dinners, and snacks, and everything.
The recipes I have been getting, I’ve gotten from the man I am seeing. He has shown me, that healthy CAN taste good. I made brownies without sugar! Taco soup, without beans!
So much flavor, with very little salt. It’s amazing. I’ve even purchased a food processor, so I can start making my own almond butter for recipes.
Sometimes, I worry about what other people will think about me, as I take each of my steps, jumps, or leaps.
Other times, I do not care.
I should never care. It’s not up to me, what other people think. It’s up to me, to do what I need to do, to make myself happy, and to make Meg happy, and to keep us well cared for.
I don’t feel that I have to remind my friends or family that we all grieve at our own pace. Again, I am lucky that I have a family so full of people who know this. They don’t need to be reminded. I am saying it for those of you, who hear the rude comments, from people who are supposed to love you regardless of your grief style.