I’ll start with admitting that I love power tools. I do not own any power tools, though.
I went to IKEA, to pick up curtains and rods and things to hang the rods and everything.
I get home and have been super busy, until tonight.
I put up those curtain rods, and hung my curtains. I don’t even have a leveler!
It’s just another thing that I took for granted. I never had to do any of the stuff that a man would “typically” do.
But I did it, today. I’ve done it, for eight months, 2 weeks and 2 days.
I built a book shelf. I’ve hung shelves. I have gone to the car dealership, and bought a brand new car. I’ve hung photos, and art. I have hosted a party.
I have done the cooking, the cleaning, the driving, the nurturing, the punishing, the praising, and the caring, when it comes to Meg.
I have been playing the role of 2 people for these 8.5 months.
I used the winnings from a scratch-off ticket (that my awesome, amazing brother bought me for my bday), to buy all of my adult-like curtains.
I work. I pay the bills. I rarely sit down.
This life is go-go-go!
I am learning, and will continue to do so, how to find the happiness. I will always find the silver lining, sure. Being truly happy is something that can be tricky. I have to tell myself, “It is okay to laugh, Tabbie! It. Is. Ok!”
Not all the time, but sometimes. You may catch it on my face, every now and then. I will have a thought, and my face feels like it loses all the blood supply. My mouth goes slack, and my heart skips a beat. I, sometimes, will cry right after, or the feeling will pass.
It. Is. Okay. To Smile!
I know it is.
Sometimes, there is a memory that makes my chest ache, because I know, I’ll never see or hear Mitch again. I’ll never sit and listen to him tell jokes, or watch him make a whole room of strangers fall in love with him.
I’ll never lay with him, again. I’ll never hold his hand or kiss his lips.
I’ve, honestly, come to terms with all of this. But, every now and then, it sneaks up, and bites me, right in the heart.
How could it not? It’s only been 8 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days! Not even a whole year.
The way my mind has worked through all of this, completely surprises me. I never knew I had it in me.
I lost the man who had my whole heart, for longer than any other person in my life.
Before he died, I thought, many times (because, again, we had some pretty fucking morbid conversations, during our life together), that I would lose my mind, if he died first.
I used to tell Mitch, “there are three people on this planet that their death would put me in a mental ward.” I believed it would be him, my brother Brady, and Megan.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’d be devastated if I lost any of my brothers. But, throughout life, Brady has been through almost every journey, WITH me. From foster care, to our mom’s not-so-great choices of boyfriends, high school, the loss of our step brother, our uncle, and most recently, the loss of his best friend, his “brother”, my husband.
We have a closer bond than any of my other siblings and I. It’s just how life worked out.
But, now. I think back to those conversations with Mitch, all those times, through the years.
I had no idea I had it in me, to carry on, to keep moving forward.
Everyone at work knows about Mitch, obviously, but when I meet new people, be they reps or new docs, or new nurse hires, I tell them “Hi, my name is Tabbie, and I was widowed in January. My late hisbabd’s name is Mitch, and I tell you this because I openly speak about it, regularly.”
After the initial shock and stumbling over their “I’m so sorry!” everyone asks! EVERYONE! It’s okay! It gives me a chance to talk about how awesome he was, and how it’s so important to know your family history, and to have yourself checked regularly, if heart disease runs in your family.
It really opens people’s eyes, because after we chat, they’ll ask me “how old was he, if you don’t mind?” And when I tell them he was only 34, their jaws hit the floor. It never fails. It CAN happen to you!
This birthday, 10/10/2017, my 35th, was the first birthday I spent without Mitch, since my 17th birthday. I was with him for my 18th bday, through every birthday after, until this one. I did okay. Much better than expected, on my birthday.
Megan’s bday is coming up, and I’m not quite sure what to expect. We are going to worlds of fun, again. Last year, Mitch and I took 6 or 7 girls to worlds of fun, for Meg’s 12th bday. Now I’ll be taking Meg and 3-4 friends, by myself. I’m positive memories are going to bring me to my knees, but, I guess I won’t really know until we are there. I’ve surprised myself before…
With that, I wish you good night. I’ll tell you sweet dreams.