Sometimes, I think “damn! This really sucks!”
And other times I start crying, because I can’t fucking believe his heart stopped beating! Just, stopped beating.
I still have moments where I wish he just left me for another woman, because then he would still be alive, and happy. I’d be heartbroken, and pissed off, but he would be alive. Meg would have her daddy.
As my birthday comes up, I’m feeling emotional.
Megan’s birthday is also coming up. She is going to turn 13, and her dad isn’t here.
She is going to have her first heartbreak, and first dance, and first kiss, soon. And her dad isn’t here to get pissed off and turn red at finding out she kissed someone. She will have me, but it won’t be the same as having her dad.
He was level. He never really got “pissed” at anything. (Except when Seattle lost.) He kept everything easy. At points where I would freak the fuck out, he stayed calm.
What if I screw up? I’m terrified of screwing up as a parent! I don’t think I can even translate, into words, my fear.
I love Megan so much, and I want her to be her very best.
I can tell you, right now, with 100% certainty, that I never even IMAGINED being a “single” mother. Never! Before I was with Mitch, I never went without protection/prevention from pregnancy. Never! If there weren’t condoms, we didn’t have sex. Period. So, NEVER, ever would I have thought I would be where I am right now. I certainly never expected Mitch to pass so early!
If there is a God, he really must look at me and say “oh yeah? Watch this!” Because sometimes I feel like that is what happens when I am really happy. The rug just get ripped out from under me, and knocks me on my ass.
I feel like I am always waiting for the ball to drop. Especially when it comes to things I don’t want to go bad.
So, as I walk down the hall in my apartment, and think “How can this be reality?” I remind myself that everything really does happen for a reason, even if the reason isn’t revealed right away.
Death isn’t an end, right? It’s just a new beginning, somewhere else.
Maybe Mitch was reborn the morning he passed from this life. Maybe he is hanging out, watching me type this blog, thinking “you’re such a nerd!” Or maybe he is in another world, completely surrounded by many many amazing people, having a fantastic time, listening to music.
Sandy. Megan Leigh. Mary. Paul. Scotty. Ashley. Faye. The Twins. Prince. Michael Jackson. Elvis.
I like the last option. No cares. No worries. Just happiness for him.