Every time I lay down, and close my eyes for the night, memories bombard me.
Me calling, over and over, hoping for an answer, so I could yell at him for whatever he was doing, while not answering his phone.
Me, driving like a bat-outta-hell to get to the fedex hub, HOPING to catch my beautiful, amazing, perfect husband cheating on me.
Seeing the cop cars.
Being pulled into an office.
The officer telling me that my husband was found dead. Then, proceeding to question me, about his medications, and any illnesses, etc.
Making Brady drive just down the street, so I could tell Mitch’s younger brother.
Driving back to Brady’s house, all while I’m trying to figure out how I am going to go on. How was I going to pay my bills? How was I going to be a single mother to a TEENAGER?! How?! Not even a why! I don’t think I’ve every truly wondered why, because I know, there will never be an answer that satisfies me. I am selfish. I want him with me, but in some spirit world, or heaven, or hell. HERE! I want him HERE!
My brain telling me “If you do this wrong, it will scar her, for the rest of her life!”
Sitting on my brother’s couch, for the entire day, staring out the window, waiting for a “got ya!”
The “GOT YA!” that never came.
The “got ya” that haunts my dreams.
I cried, silently, most of the time. The mornings after he passed, I cried aloud, in my brother’s kitchen. I would find myself crouched on the floor, hands wrapped around a coffee cup, trying to just BE. Not be normal, not be happy, but to just BE.
I have read many responses to the question “Once you’re a widow, are you always a widow?”
Not every Widow agrees on this one.
I say yes. No matter how you deal with widowhood, no matter how you get through each day, you become a stronger, wiser version of yourself. That’s something that stays with you forever. So, yes. No matter I I get married in 10 years, or become an old cat lady, I will forever be a widow. At least that’s how I feel about myself. I don’t take anything for granted, anymore. I cherish every minute I spend with family, friends, OCR family, and work family. It’s important to me, that they know they are appreciated. Everyone for their own things.
Some push me to be physically stronger, and show me how to accomplish my goals. Some push me to be mentally stronger, more confident, and to continue to believe in myself. Some reassure me, that it’s okay to be myself! If someone doesn’t like me for being myself, they aren’t worth my efforts.
Maybe I have been an emotional wreck, this August, because we are in Leo time, and it’s tearing this Libra to shreds? Maybe it’s because Mitch’s bday, followed by the anniversary of our “couple” status, are both this month. Maybe it’s just normal to have awful months, mentally, when this happens? I don’t know. I’ll just flow with it.