It’s been a weird week. Actually, it’s been a weird couple of weeks. There have been a lot of tears and my chest has felt so empty. I think the tears come from the emptiness I’m feeling. There have been parts of days where I feel hollow.
Remember when the numbness ebbed? This is like that. I haven’t felt he emptiness of Mitch’s absence. I have felt his absence, absolutely. But the feeling inside is something different. If I felt it, at the beginning, I probably wouldn’t be where I am right now. Just like the heartache that came weeks after, slowly working it’s way into existence, at a pace my mind could handle, the true feeling of something missing, is here. It’s prominent this week. It hurts like hell.
But I will survive this. I will learn something from this. I will continue to take one step at a time.
Remember how I decided to put my phone into do not disturb mode?
I have continued to leave my phone on do not disturb, so I’m not always on it, or checking every noise.
I am not posting a million things a day, on social media.
I’m doing more. I’m back in the gym, again. I’m hanging out with friends. I am attempting to learn more about friends, family, and even my coworkers.
I hadn’t realized how detached I had become. I haven’t been listening. I haven’t asked questions. I haven’t been involved.
I used to be the BEST listener! I could listen to my friends talk, all damn day, every day.
Now, and for a while, I’ve been “checking out”, and not even realizing it. I could take the easy way out, and blame social media. I could blame it on losing Mitch so suddenly. But, I don’t believe that’s true. I think losing Mitch has made it more frequent. I’ve also noticed that the less time I spend on social media, the better I am at being involved with the people who are right in front of me.
I have days where I don’t want to talk to anyone, at all. I have days where I have so much to say, much of which is completely inappropriate, and not everyone needs to hear. I have days where hearing certain people talk, makes me cringe.
I’m not sure where it stems from, or why I have these days. I love my friends and family. This is why you’ll never know that your voice is driving me insane. It’s most likely not your fault. Unless you’re a frequent liar. That drives me crazy…
Today, my daughter played a softball game for just over 2 hours. Her team won the championship! I was present, actually paying attention to the whole game. I didn’t check Facebook, or instagram, or anything else. I sat, I chatted with family and other softball parents that came, and I watched.
It’s pretty sad how much effort I feel like it takes to get out of the social media stronghold.
Yes, sure, I have some REAL friends on social media, and they like all my status updates and photos I upload. Really, though, real friends are the ones that make time for you. They’re the ones who are present. They don’t try to avoid you, when you may be at your worst, because they KNOW who you are, when you’re at your best, and believe you’re worth it.
It’s the ones who aren’t real friends, who see you at your worst and hightail it. And, honestly, that’s something to be thankful for. Just say goodbye, remove them from your life, and take another step.
One step… Then, another.
Every single encounter we make, is meant to be. Be it terrible or wonderful, it was supposed to happen. Period.
Last night, I had a few drinks with my cousin, and one of my very good friends, that I see on occasion. We ended up at my cousins, going through her interesting witchy things. And no. No spell casting or anything The-Craft-like. Just Tarot cards and a book with a description of people based on their month and day of birth.
Mine was pretty legit. Not going to lie.
There were a couple of dates that jumped out at me. One of the “beneficial” dates was actually Mitch’s birthday. 8/18.
One of the “fatal attractions” or “challenging” dates was 1/25. Pretty crazy, huh?
When we did the Tarot cards, (no making fun! Or judging!), I could LITERALLY (not figuratively) feel a slight tug, in the palm of my hand, as I passed over certain cards. No big deal, I read what the cards meant, and interpreted accordingly.
I couldn’t believe that happened!
Her cards were so much her, it was interesting.
I’ll leave you with the following pictures, of Mitch’s description, based on birthdate. What do YOU think?
***I apologize now, because I am too tired to go through and edit anything. I hope it’s not too messed up. 😜***