Have you ever wanted something, but couldn’t have it? That new car? That big house? That beautiful dress? I know I’ve had my share of things I have wanted and couldn’t have. For instance, I want my husband alive and well, but I can’t have that. I want a few million dollars, but that’s not happening. But, I am okay with these things. I am living. I am doing okay (financially, physically, etc) without these things. Mentally might be another issue.  Ha!

You see, I saw something today, that I wanted. I even touched it. Had it in my arms. I can’t have it. Why is it, the things you want most, you can’t have? I don’t understand. There must be a science to this. It’s okay, though,  because it is just a want, not a need. Right? I won’t die or have a bad life without it. I am doing just fine.

Usually, in the case of wanting something you can’t have, it’s because the price it too high. Maybe that’s the case, here, too? I am unsure. I don’t know what the price would be. I go back and forth about wanting this, too. One day, it’s a yes, absolutely, and the next, I am unsure.

I had gotten to a point where I didn’t want it, at all. Then BAM it was in my face, today. Right there, in front of me. And son-of-a-bitch, my wanting slammed back on, and in full gear, like, “how do I GET this? How do I make this MINE?”

I don’t. I just sit back, on my hands, and leave it be. I let it go, and move forward. I have so much to focus on, right now, that it’s ridiculous to want something that would take up so much time, and energy. No matter  how much fun it would be to have it!

So I stop. I let the idea go, and pour myself a glass of wine, and write about it. Why? Because, writing is my outlet. It makes me understand me, better. Sounds strange, right? Well, I never said I was normal.


summer2011 087


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