Today would have been our 14 year anniversary. We made it “till death do we part” and that’s amazing, this day in age.
I think about you, all the time. I see you frown and shake your head when I allow Megan to watch something incredibly inappropriate, or when I send that text message with too much information, or whatever.
I see you get irritated when Meg says “douche bag!” and I laugh. I hear you telling Megan to “be a wall” and “too many balls are getting past you!” “DIG!” “SLIDE!” I see the pride on your face and in your heart when Meg remembers to run on that third strike/dropped ball. She did that twice tonight. She was AMAZING! She wore you around her neck, even though jewelry isn’t allowed. She told me, “Mommy, I hear him, in my head, telling me to be a wall. He makes me do better!”
I hear you laughing at me because I am crying right now.
I hear your eyes roll, and I see your head shaking when I talk to Megan about dating, and she tells me her stipulations. “Now, Mom. You can’t date anyone who has kids, or anyone who wants to have kids. I seriously don’t want siblings! Oh, and you should probably wait 2, or 3… or maybe 4 years to start dating again.” She is amazing. I love her so very much, but SHE’S CRAZY! ❤
She also thinks the guys I find attractive are “Ew! MOM!” We do not have the same taste in the opposite sex. But, she agrees that you were a good lookin guy. When Joel told her she looked just like you, she said “Thanks! My dad was a good looking guy!” That’s damn skippy! I am a shallow person, when it comes to looks, and you know it. Your looks are what caught my eye, first. Your looks made me want to know YOU. Then I got to know you, and that was it! Looks, manners, brain, sense of humor. EVERYTHING!
How lucky was I?!
I remember when you would always compare us to TV show couples, like The UPS guy and Leah, whatever her name is, from that show I can’t remember the name of.
You always told me how hot I was. I never believed you. I never cared what anyone else thought of me. I still don’t really care, what they think, but, I am curious. Wanting to know and caring is 2 different things, right?
People tell me, “Mitch is with you all of the time, and he is watching.” And they mean it to be comforting, I know. But, I so hope you close your eyes, and avoid certain things. Like my shopping issues, and when I am in the midst of my newest addiction.
Oh My Gawd! I wanted to tell you how stupid we were! All those years we were buying and using condoms as birth control, I could have been getting birth control pills FREE! Seriously?! We wasted so much money on condoms! We were so dumb! haha!
Today, when I got to work, my friend, and coworker hugged me. I good hug. A long hug. I cried a bit. I miss you! Even though I am seriously wanting to have sex, I miss your person. I miss your presence. I know people judge, because I am so open, and honest, and I seriously don’t care what they think, but I know I am being judged. “Her husband just died! How is she thinking about having sex with someone else?!”
Really? I. Am. Human.
I. Have. Needs. Too.
Just because I want to get down with someone, doesn’t mean I miss you any less. It doesn’t mean I am OVER you. That’s not how this works. It means I have accepted reality.
You know. If you were here, I wouldn’t be interested in fucking someone else. You aren’t here, to give me what I need. And that’s okay! This is how it’s supposed to be, or it wouldn’t be. I am not religious, as you know, but I believe in fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I may not know the reason, yet, but it will reveal itself at some point.
Accepting my fate is something I am doing. This is MY life.
THIS is what I am working with. I love you, still, but in a way that is forever. I love our memories. I love how inspirational our marriage was. I love how people looked up to us, and respected our opinions. I love how no one knew when we were having any kind of issues. I love that we ALWAYS worked our issues out, and said FTW!
I am sexually interested in someone, and he knows. He is also interested in me. No one knows who he is, and that’s okay. I am not sharing that information. I have been told by 4 men that I am a special breed. don’t worry. I am not falling for it all. I am taking the compliment for what it is:
I am STRONG.
I am INDEPENDENT.
I am FUN!
I am AMAZING!
I am BEAUTIFUL!
I am SEXY!
I am an inspiration!
I am everything you ever told me I was. I am sorry I didn’t believe you when you were here.
I should have.
I should have come out of my shell with you. I should have quit being a little bitch and just believed you!
I miss you, and I love you dearly. Unfortunately, you are no longer here to make the aching stop. I will figure it out. The aching will become dull, and I will become happy again. I mean, I am happy in all areas except that you aren’t here.
I mean, people look at me crazy when I tell them that you would have rather NOT had the hospital bills that are associated with heart problems.
I bit my tongue for so long, and I know you would rather be here with us, than not, but, if you had a choice between the ridiculously high hospital bills and no hospital bills, you would have chosen the latter. Really though, when I tell people that, I swear their eyes cross!
OH! and, babe, My credit had soared! It’s almost to “FAIR”! lol!! almost. but not quite.
I know you hated that I worried so deeply about my credit score. I don’t even know why it was such a bother, before you passed. But it irritated the hell out of me!
I love you. Happy Anniversary Mitchell John Wood.
I will always think of you, and love you. And if any guy wants to be with me, he will get on board! I’m not giving up my blog, and I am not giving up my story! It’s too important, to NOT share!
Love you, Always,