I haven’t blogged in a few days. I have been wanting to. I have just been trying to figure out how, best, to write this blog. I touched on it, a little, a while back. It was about sex, and missing it. I have found that there is no easy way to write this. So, I am just going to write what comes to mind, because, what kind of blog would this be, if I weren’t making my confessions?

Lately, I’ve found myself lusting after men. No, I am not acting on any of it. Dear God, not now. That would be ridiculous.

But, it’s true! I’ve thought about sex, and when I saw it in my mind, it wasn’t Mitch. I hated myself for it. Really. It’s been almost every day now. It’s insane!

I have my theories as to why it is happening. I was never without, when it came to sex, and intimacy.  I never had to worry about any of that. I was SEVENTEEN when Mitch and I got together! I don’t KNOW what celibacy is! My body REJECTS it! Not really, but, sometimes, that is what it feels like.

So, one theory I have, is kind of sciency. Pheromones. Maybe, Mitch’s pheromones were so much made for me, that it drowned out all other pheromones, the whole time we were married? Is that possible? Who knows? I like to think that Mitch and I were so much made for each other, that I never caught a “whiff” of another man. And now, I don’t have him here, so I am being overwhelmed by all of these other pheromones. I don’t know. Sounds like, with the right wording, it could be legit. Right?

 

Well, I am embarrassed as could be. I feel terrible. But then I remember, I am 34. I am not 74, or 84. I am a very healthy, active, 34 year old woman. I will, most likely, have sex again. I can’t pretend that I will give that part of life up, because, let’s face it, sex is great. But, let’s be real. It’s going to be a while, before I even dive into that, again, no matter how much I tell my friends that I want to. I want to, but I DON’T want to, more. If that makes sense.

Control. I remind myself, that no matter how much I am wanting to jump some guy’s bones, I shouldn’t do it, because it’ll be a disastrous mess. I don’t have time for that. I have too much to take care of right now, so sex is not even really an option. And, even though my body is revolting, my brain and heart are not. I am not stupid enough to attempt a sexual encounter right now.

Could you just imagine? Oh My God! I would be that woman who cried after sex, and totally freaked some dude out! Funny as that would be, far in the future, it’s not worth it, now.

And, please, guy friends of mine, don’t worry. I am not, as Mitch would say, “damp” over any of you. (Did I really just type that?) Most of my dreams are about men I barely know. Which is good, I guess. right? I don’t think I could look someone in the eye, if I had some steamy dream about them. The dreams. I will bet the sex dreams are a way for me to release the built up stress of this widow’s life, in a healthy way. Again, I was sexual with the same man for 16.5 years. I never had to worry about “releasing stress” in a healthy manner.

EMBARRASSING!

But, these are my confessions. This is what I am dealing with. And, I am comfortable letting you all know. I don’t feel like the ones I love and care about, and the ones that know me, will make judgements. I feel like they know me, and know I won’t be whoring around town. 😉 They know I am smart. I care about my healing process. I care about all things that actually matter. I care about how Megan sees me healing.

This too shall pass?

One. Foot. In. Front. Of. The. Other.

August2008z 063
Mitch’s face when he didn’t get his way. 

 

One thought on “Lust

  1. Chickening out and leaving the comment anonymously (I hope.)
    I am approaching the third anniversary of widowhood, and I, too have had spikes in my libido off and on. I am relieved to hear it from someone else.
    It seems crazy and disrespectful.
    But yes, like you, I wouldn’t be acting on it. For one thing, we were together since we were teenagers and it would just be . . . like I wouldn’t even know what to do with someone different. Also, I wouldn’t know how to go about meeting someone for this purpose. Find some potentially psychopathic rando on Tinder or something? No thanks.

    I don’t think that there would be anything wrong with it if a widow did decide that she needed some physical affection. (I didn’t feel like this before I was widowed. I was so pissed at Rick’s wife on The Walking Dead for jumping in the sack with his friend so quickly after his presumed death.) I believe that whatever any of us need to do to get through it is normal, acceptable, and fine.

    For me, I think it is just what I said — a need for physical affection. It is expressed as a feeling of increased desire, but I think what I really want is to be held again. You don’t realize how much people do not touch each other until the person you are used to touching is gone. Then you’re left with no physical interactions, and it sucks. I can’t think of a more eloquent way to say that. I’m pretty sure that where I work, touching in any form is disallowed. But people hugged me when I returned to work, and then I realized that I had never touched any of those people before.

    My parents hug me, and of course my kids won’t get off of my lap. But it is not the same as having another adult to curl up with. This is especially true now, when I need comfort. I need someone to hold me and kiss me and comfort me.

    Or maybe I’m just horny.

    Liked by 1 person

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