Three months ago, exactly, Mitch suggested we go downstairs, into his man-cave, and watch the girliest of chick-flicks. 

Beautiful. With Minnie Driver. One of my favorite movies. 

I never, in all my years, would have thought THAT would be our last movie, together. 

We had Eat. Fit. Go. For dinner. He was excited and said there was crack in the chili. 

He was lively! 

He was turning back into his old, pre-injury self. His energy was back. He was happy that he could walk to the basement, without stumbling. 

On this eve of the 3 month marker without him, I ache. I ache so deeply, today, that even some of my co-workers noticed I was quiet today. I woke up crying, and I’ll fall asleep crying. 

It hurts to think of him as dead, deceased, passed on, or in a “better place”. 

I have a race coming up, on Saturday. I remember how PROUD he was, about the first one I did. He couldn’t believe I did it. He shared on Facebook how “amazing” I was, for it. 

I’m no speed demon, and I’ve never even come CLOSE to winning one, but he thought it was just the greatest, something to brag about, even. 

What the hell am I going to do without my biggest fan?

 This race, I’ll be running with new friends, and I’ll have fun. I’ll remember all of the encouraging things he ever said to me. I always get SO NERVOUS before every race. I panic at the top of every tall obstacle, and fear a broken neck, or just a bone, even. 

Mitch would talk me down, every time. “Tabbie, have you broken a bone yet?”

“Well, no. But did you see the report about how the rig broke in (insert city name here)?”

“Really. Tabbie, if that did anything, it made them rethink how their inspections go, before each race. You’ll be fine!”

Every time. 

The person who got the flesh eating amoeba in her eye, and ended up losing her eye. There was a race where a TON of people got some nasty GI bug. 

He would find something to calm me, every time. 

It’s only Monday, and my anxiety is through the roof, about Saturday. 

My god, I miss him! 

Also, on a different subject, I feel guilty about being happy that I was able to buy a new car, and get it affordable. Why? Because we couldn’t have done that, together. It took both cars, a rebate and sheer determination to get ONE NEW CAR. The simple fact that we couldn’t accomplish this, together, makes me sad. It may not even make sense to you. It may never make sense. But to me, it feels like I am happy about everything. I am not. It’s such a bittersweet thing. 

I feel guilty because, financially, we are fine, where before, we were paying way too much for everything. We were so broke all the time, because we had all of these terribly high bills, and state taxespayment plans   and all kids of stuff. Now, I’m TRYING to take the minimalist route. I mean, I buy the things we NEED, and every now and again, the things we want. 

Goodnight, sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite. 

I do have my moments. Red eyes. ๐Ÿ˜ข

3 thoughts on “3 Months Since Our Last “Date”.

  1. wow Tabbie, just wow. 90 days. Must sometimes fell like an eternity. Other times must feel brand new. Except that you live somewhere else now, and drive a different car, and cook and pay the bills, the laundry load may be lighter as well as the grocery bill. Time stands still and then spins at an overwhelming speed. 90 days is a hurdle. A HUGE hurdle. Sadly, there will be more hurdles. It’s not fair that you have to make them, but at the same time, it’s amazing each time you do. Youve made many even if you don’t realize it. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to do things that you couldn’t do with Mitchell. Even as a couple you were always still just Tabbie. It’s one of the million reasons he loved you. Why he will always love you. So you keep doing those things that make you feel good. If it takes away a minute of sadness, that’s a good thing. Your happiness doesn’t take away your feelings for losing your husband, and the love you had, have and will always hold in your heart is forever. It lives thru you daily and will continue on with Megan. That in itself is happiness!! So smile smile smile, because you are a beautiful human being ๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’š

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Glad you’reโ€‹ pouring this all out there. It’s probably good to not keep it inside. You are brave and taking it oneโ€‹ step at a time.

    Like

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