Three months ago, exactly, Mitch suggested we go downstairs, into his man-cave, and watch the girliest of chick-flicks.
Beautiful. With Minnie Driver. One of my favorite movies.
I never, in all my years, would have thought THAT would be our last movie, together.
We had Eat. Fit. Go. For dinner. He was excited and said there was crack in the chili.
He was lively!
He was turning back into his old, pre-injury self. His energy was back. He was happy that he could walk to the basement, without stumbling.
On this eve of the 3 month marker without him, I ache. I ache so deeply, today, that even some of my co-workers noticed I was quiet today. I woke up crying, and I’ll fall asleep crying.
It hurts to think of him as dead, deceased, passed on, or in a “better place”.
I have a race coming up, on Saturday. I remember how PROUD he was, about the first one I did. He couldn’t believe I did it. He shared on Facebook how “amazing” I was, for it.
I’m no speed demon, and I’ve never even come CLOSE to winning one, but he thought it was just the greatest, something to brag about, even.
What the hell am I going to do without my biggest fan?
This race, I’ll be running with new friends, and I’ll have fun. I’ll remember all of the encouraging things he ever said to me. I always get SO NERVOUS before every race. I panic at the top of every tall obstacle, and fear a broken neck, or just a bone, even.
Mitch would talk me down, every time. “Tabbie, have you broken a bone yet?”
“Well, no. But did you see the report about how the rig broke in (insert city name here)?”
“Really. Tabbie, if that did anything, it made them rethink how their inspections go, before each race. You’ll be fine!”
The person who got the flesh eating amoeba in her eye, and ended up losing her eye. There was a race where a TON of people got some nasty GI bug.
He would find something to calm me, every time.
It’s only Monday, and my anxiety is through the roof, about Saturday.
My god, I miss him!
Also, on a different subject, I feel guilty about being happy that I was able to buy a new car, and get it affordable. Why? Because we couldn’t have done that, together. It took both cars, a rebate and sheer determination to get ONE NEW CAR. The simple fact that we couldn’t accomplish this, together, makes me sad. It may not even make sense to you. It may never make sense. But to me, it feels like I am happy about everything. I am not. It’s such a bittersweet thing.
I feel guilty because, financially, we are fine, where before, we were paying way too much for everything. We were so broke all the time, because we had all of these terribly high bills, and state taxespayment plans and all kids of stuff. Now, I’m TRYING to take the minimalist route. I mean, I buy the things we NEED, and every now and again, the things we want.
Goodnight, sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.