So, I have been running around, like a 5-year-old, who got the Barbie she always wanted, for Christmas.

I BOUGHT A CAR! A brand new, never owned before, car!

I was at the car dealership for six and a half hours, getting them to lower the price/monthly payments/interest rate. I have been telling everyone, who will listen, about said event.

I went in strong. I started spouting off all of these numbers, like I REALLY knew what I was talking about, and THEN I sat down. The salesman leaned forward, eyes wide, mouth agape, and said, “Where are you getting all of your information? It’s all very accurate, but, where?”

My brother told me what to say. He told me what questions to ask. I knew what I was looking for, but I have always just been the woman at the dealership with her husband. Now, don’t get me wrong. that statement was sarcastic. It means that I was, basically, overlooked when we were car shopping. Not by Mitch. The salesmen wouldn’t talk to me. They would always direct every question to Mitch, as if I had no clue what I wanted, or needed.

I know my credit is crappy. I said it, immediately after telling the salesman what I wanted, and what I “knew”. I felt good.

I felt STRONG! Independent! Like a fucking goddess!

I got what I wanted, just with a bit higher interest rate, and, I get it. I was lucky to even get approved for a loan, to begin with. But, by golly, I sure did get it, and I sure did get it REAL close to what I was asking for.

 

On the downside. I came home, and all I wanted to do was tell Mitch how amazing I was, at the dealership. Reality hit, and felt tears and sobs coming, but I was so exhausted from haggling, that I just passed out. I had to work today, so sleep took over.

I didn’t eat dinner last night, because I was too busy buying a car.

My brother is in the process of packing all of his stuff, since he is moving out of his smaller home, into a larger one, VERY SOON! He was storing Mitch’s things in his basement for me. It’s all here. My halls were lined with all things Mitch, when I got home.

I see all of his stuff through the clear totes.

I was sad, because my seattle seahawks stick family decals were gone. I was sad, because that car Mitch drove, that always made my heart jump, even though I KNEW he wouldn’t be here, is gone.

I may look strong, and brave, on the outside. On the inside, I am jello. I am scared. I am in so much pain, I can’t even describe it.

I bought a car! Yay!

I traded Mitch’s car. Not-so-yay.

Yes, I laugh. Yes, I love. Yes, I can be happy for those around me, who are getting engaged, buying new homes, or having new babies. I am genuinely happy for your happiness.

I am also happy for MY happy things. I’ve talked about it before. I am happy that I bought this new car. I am so happy that I can afford it. I am happy that when it’s paid off, it’ll still be under warranty, and Megan get it, when she turns 18.

All of that happiness, but, I am devastated that Mitch died. I fucking hate it. I hate that I don’t have him with me. I hate that Megan will be a teenage girl, without her daddy.  It’s not fair! He would have been SO amazing with her, through her teen years. He had so much patience! Watch THIS video, to see.

I remembered, a few days ago, that just about a week before Mitch died, I was talking to a friend about how I wouldn’t have to ever worry about being a single mother, because Mitch was phenomenal! Even if he was messy, he was amazing!

And, since he was so amazing, I have taken the best of his shirts, jerseys, hats, etc, and split them up, amongst his 8 siblings, and parents.

I am excited to give them each, their own little Mitch souvenirs. I don’t expect them to wear the clothing, or hats, or anything like that. But, to have it, and hug it, or put it on a pillow to hug, when they are missing him, will be nice.

God, gods, goddesses! I am SO glad we married young! I got to be with him, for HALF of his life! I got HALF! That’s AMAZING! More than half would have been better, but damn! We are only 34.

I’ve also had to stop wearing my wedding ring, on my finger. I have added it to my urn necklace, and his ring. It looks very good, together.

 

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