After yesterday, and not being able to spend the holiday with Mitch, it reopened my slowly healing heart.
I cried a lot yesterday, as I already talked about.
Today, I received a text message that read:
“I was a little sad, last night, after I read your blog. Then, the most awesome event happened. I had a very vivid vision of Mitch and his mom holding hands, looking down on your day (easter), they were just enjoying it all, with BIG smiles. Then Meg (Mitch’s mom) said, ” I am so glad you found a strong woman. We do not have to worry.” My heart expanded in my chest, I swear and felt light and not as sad… for just a bit. Wanted to let you know.”
I just happened to check that message, between surgeries, today. I was trying to clean my OR, and had tears falling. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to stop, but I had to reign it in. We were so busy, today. There was no time for me to take a break to put myself together.
Now, just a bit on why it made me cry.
I am happy that I can picture him with his mom, because she was murdered when he was 9 years old. My heart had always ached for him, because of that. He was so well adjusted to living, that no one believed it when I told them about it.
I am sad, because, in order for him to be with his mom, he can’t be with me or his daughter. That’s my selfish nature, but, really, who can blame me? Right? I miss him so much, every day.
I was driving to pick Megan up, from her friend’s house, today. I was stopped at a red light on 75th in Metcalf. Memories from every corner.
On one corner stands price chopper. I hate that grocery store, with a passion. I remember going there with Mitch, and telling him how sucky that store is. The set-up is so bad! I remember, most times we went there together, I sat in the car, because I hated it so much!
On another corner, there is a Dunkin Donuts. We went there for brunch one day, and Mitch got some kind of powdered donut. He got the powdered sugar all over his face, and started talking about how it looks like he’d been partying with Charlie Sheen.
I look across the street, and on the south-east corner sits a CVS, which was once an Osco drug. I remember when I was pregnant with Megan, Mitch stopped there, so I could go pee, because I didn’t want to go anywhere else, and this was before there were gas stations on Metcalf. This was the place I had to go, to have my prescriptions filled, when I was pregnant. This was the place that gave me that crazy nasty powder, to mix with “my favorite lotion” for the P.U.P.P.S. rash I developed during pregnancy. This is the concoction that Mitch mixed and helped me rub all over my body.
On the South-west corner stands a Wal-greens. I made Mitch stop there, so I could pick up this super cool science kit for Megan, that was only $5, from one of the facebook swap sites. I had him take me there, so I could use my coupons, and only pay the tax on some hair products. He would laugh at me, because I would complain about having to pay taxes, when the product itself ended up free, because of the coupon magic.
So, as I sat at the light, waiting for the light to turn green, I cried. Loud, mascara running down my face, snot-cry. As I cried, I realized that Mitch and I were EVERYWHERE around here. I will have memories at every turn I take. Some will probably cause sharp pains. Some will probably make me laugh, hysterically. Some, some may cause me to lose my breath, for my heart to skip a beat, or stop me in my tracks.
I will keep going. I will keep healing. I will keep breaking, and healing over and over again. There’s nothing that I can do, but embrace this thing we call grieving. No matter how much I wish it weren’t true. No matter how much I wish this were all a dream.
Again. I am a realist.
I am an optimistic realist.
I will stand tall, when I have the energy, and I will allow myself to break, when it happens.
11 weeks and 5 days, since he has passed.
It seems like an eternity.
Please, let there be an afterlife, full of amazing things for such an amazing human being. Please, let him be with his family that has passed, prior.
Please, let him be happy. Let there be no sadness in the afterlife.