I have noticed that I cry more often, now. Little things set me off.
I feel like the numbness is ebbing. It hurts a little more often, now.
I am still able to go about my days, and enjoy myself, so no worries there. I am still putting one foot in front of the other, even if some days my feet become tangled, and I trip and fall on my face.
Today, I woke up, and my mother and father in law were here, and my two nieces and Megan. We made a big breakfast buffet, with pancakes, sausage, bacon, eggs, and all kinds of pancake toppings. The kiddos love the “pancake bar”.
After the family left, and it was just Megan and I, I cleaned up the dishes, and did some laundry. I ordered meat from Omaha Steaks, and just went on about my day.
Meg and I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things for the week, since the meat won’t be delivered until Thursday, or so. I needed healthy snacking options, carrots, celery, cucumbers, and fresh fruits. When I got home, I put all the groceries away, and I was going to cut the fruits and veggies.
Before I started cutting veggies, I was putting Megan’s spaghettios with meatballs into the pantry, and started to tell Megan where they were. The biggest case of DeJa Vu hit me. I remembered, very clearly that moment. I had dreamed it. I mean, full on simplistic nightmare. I knew, in that dream, that Mitch had passed away, and that’s why I was in another home. I woke up from that dream, so many years ago, and was so distraught that I woke Mitch up, just to have him hold me, and tell me everything would be okay. Just for him to tell me he was still there. I told Megan about it, today, as soon as I had that deja vu. No tears, just in awe of how I had dreamed about this day, long before it ever happened. This is why my dreams scare me. Some, even the bad ones, actually come true.
I start pulling the celery stalk apart, so I can wash and cut the veggie. I lay them out to dry, and grab my knife. I start cutting.
Then, out of no-where, for no reason, I hear it, in my mind, “You know, you’ll never see him again.”
I started crying. Sometimes, the mind can be a terrible thing.
But really? Chopping vegetables? It’s such a regular part of my weekend. It’s nothing special. Mitch didn’t really eat the veggies, so it wasn’t like it was something I would do for him, really. However, I did make enough for him to have snacks as well. Why didn’t the memory of the dream throw me into a fit of tears? Shock?
I got my shit together, and decided to put the pictures into their new frames, and then remembered I had this super cute flip-photo album that my sister-in-law, Zaida bought me for Christmas. I needed to add photos to it. So, naturally, I sit down and start going through my gigantic box of photos. Old photos, newer ones. I wanted to put good ones into this flip album. I started crying again. Pictures of Mitch haven’t caused me to cry until tonight. I was looking at our wedding photos, and the look on his face was amazing. He was the happiest man alive! I was glowing. We, the youngest couple, married, starting our life together. Little did we know, our time together would be much shorter than expected.
I cannot express, fully, how important it is to live like there’s no tomorrow.
I know I have said it before, but I am saying it again.
Tell your loved ones that you love them, every single day. Never let someone you love, walk out the door, without telling them you love them. Never let them wonder. Make sure they know! It really helps the ones that are left behind. I know that he knew my love for him. I know that he knew Megan’s love for him. I know that Megan knows he loved her so much! And I know, he loved me, so much, too!