I feel like I have been on the verge of tears all day.
Every time I have a moment of time, to myself, I picture Mitch during those last few days. He was coughing, and was really down about having a cold. He needed cough drops, so I picked some up for him, on my way home from work. I keep picturing him in pain, and not knowing that it was something more. (there’s more about his last few weeks, here, in a previous blog)
It hurts so bad.
All I want is for this to not be real. It isn’t fair!
I know, it’s just a bad day.
I will get through it.
But, it still hurts.
I picture him the way they say he was found. Peaceful. And even that hurts! He may not have known he was dying, but we are here, living, without him, and it hurts.
I worry that he was mad at me for not knowing that something was wrong. What if his last thought was “Damnit, Tabbie!”
Hell, that Tuesday night, his employee said he was feeling unwell, and was worried that he caught a “stomach bug” and revealed that one of his parents was in the hospital with C-Diff. I told Mitch to tell him not to come in, until he is cleared, because if he has it, it is no joke and HIGHLY contagious.
Mitch planned on wiping his truck down with bleach wipes, just in case, that Wednesday.
He was going to check the tires, to make sure they were all up to code, Wednesday morning.
He wasn’t feeling well.
Why didn’t we SEE it?!
I miss him so much.
This isn’t fair!
But, life, nor death are fair. We don’t get to pick our genetic makeup, or the illnesses that we succumb to.
But. It. Still. Hurts.
I can’t change the fact that he is gone, and I know that. I wish it were possible to reverse time, and save him, but I can’t.
How did we not catch this?! My god!
Aside from the pain, I feel ashamed. Guilty. I feel like we SHOULD have known!
I know, it isn’t my fault. I know it isn’t his fault. I know it is the fault of no-one.
But I still feel it.
And it really fucking hurts.
And I think Wednesdays are my worst days.
Today marks 6 weeks without the love of my life.
Tomorrow is a new day.