It has been 5 whole weeks. I still wake up, hoping it’s been a very long nightmare.
There are some things that I have noticed, that I never really noticed before, and I wonder if I once wore the face that others wear when looking at me. It’s a look of terror almost. I don’t think people mean to, or even realize they are looking at me, like they are terrified to talk to me. Don’t worry! You can’t break me! Mitch’s death has already shattered me, so you’re good! I am already damaged. </3
Actually, Meg and I are doing well, under the circumstances. It’s definitely rough, and terrible, and scary, and heartbreaking. I am not going to sugarcoat that! We are coping. We are talking about Mitch, and remembering him, and look at pictures, and watch videos. We laugh, we cry. But… We. ARE. Still. Here. We will carry him on. We will make sure everyone who crosses our path KNOWS the kind of man he was. (#AHHMAZZZING)
This is a learning curve, for sure. I never messed with bills, or paid much attention to the calendar, outside of when I am on call, for work. Now, I have a gigantic calendar, with all of the bills written on it, and how much they are. I am sure, that over time, Megan’s extras will be written in one color, where bills will be in another, and my extras will be in a 3rd, because I must have complete organization. It was something that had been bothering me for a few years, but has become overwhelming, since Mitch’s passing.
For example, I wash the dishes before I go to bed. It drives me crazy, and I can’t sleep if I don’t wash the dishes. I make my bed, every morning, when I wake up. I usually make it before I even get ready for work.
As a whole, we never picked up after ourselves. We were so messy. We would have 9 pairs of shoes, collectively, in the living room, REGULARLY! Now? No freaking way! Everything has a place, and should be in it. When we lived in our house, we didn’t have a dining room, so we ate in the living room, with TV trays. NO MORE! We have a dining room, and neither of us are allowed to eat in the living room. When we were at the house, we rarely had clean clothes. WHY?? We didn’t feel like messing with it. We would do a load with what we needed, then say F-it, until we needed more. I am embarrassed to admit this. But, I am going to lay everything out there. Sooner or later, you are all going to know, just a little too much information about us.
So, as messy as we were, there was one thing that made us not really care.
It was each-other. We lived and breathed to be around each-other, as a family unit. Cleaning was not priority. Living, laughing, and enjoying each-other was. Now, we still live and breathe and are together, just in a different way. We THREE, have become TWO. And a strong, independent (and tidy) pair we will be!
If you ever want to ask me anything, regarding the life, or death of Mitchell, PLEASE DO IT! I LOVE talking about him! Yes, it hurts to think about him being gone. But, talking about him, almost, soothes me. It makes me remember to appreciate the time I did get to have with him. To think about how young we were when we got together and how young we were when we got married. Everyone telling us that we weren’t going to last, because we were too young. “It’ll never last!” Until DEATH! (and even after, for me.)
From the time I was 17, until now, (34), I was with that man. We GREW together. We beat all the odds together. We proved, to everyone who ever told us we were too young, that we WERE meant to be married. We showed them that 22 wasn’t too young to have a baby! I am SO glad I won that bet! If he would have won, we probably would have waiting a few (5) years to have a child. I can’t thank God, the gods, goddesses, karma, etc, enough for letting me win that bet! I am so incredibly happy that Meg got the chance to know her father. To REALLY know him. He set the bar HIGH for her, for when she starts dating. Very high. There’s a LOT to live up to.
I have much to do today, so I will leave everyone with this:
I appreciate every minute I got to spend with Mitchell John McCullough-Wood. He made my life better. He made me want to make ME a better person. And for that, I am grateful. I am sad he is gone, and that will never change, but I can summon a great memory at any moment in time. I may laugh, or I may cry, but a wonderful memory, I will have.
Here is Mitch with his Step-Mom Tracey. She hated having her picture taken, and he would get her, every time we were there. He was proud of this accomplishment.