I have to say, it pains me, when I find something funny. I feel like “Oh My God! I shouldn’t be laughing! MY HUSBAND DIED!”

This comes about, because, this morning, I was watching this super cute video of toddlers who were terrified of their shadows, and I was LAUGHING! The kids were just so darned cute, and so afraid and trying to get away from those shadows. It was hilarious.

Pang! I felt so ashamed, and guilty for laughing.

I went to the grocery store with Megan. We have Urn necklaces, so we take Mitch with us, everywhere we go. Megan forgot her necklace today, and she and I joked about how bad she was for leaving daddy at home, but it was okay, because I brought him. (I didn’t forget my necklace.)


I go in and start grabbing things that are on my list. I go to the onions, and grab one of the bags, that the store provides, and open it up to put my onions in. THUNK. It landed on the floor. I was like, “wait. huh?” So, I tried 2 more times, unsuccessfully, to put onions in that damn bag, and sure as the sky is blue, there was a whole in that bag! REALLY?! It was a brand new bag! I just opened it! All the while I was trying to put the onions in the bag, I was laughing, Megan was laughing. We were at the grocery store, laughing in front of many people. We even had a bunch of people around us, laughing, too!

Pang! Will laughing ever come without guilt?

I often wonder how I am able to laugh. How I am doing this thing we call living. I know that life and living does go on. I do. I know that it is a MUST for us. So every morning, when I reach across my queen size bed, to that empty space, and realize it really isn’t a dream, I tell myself, “You are strong. You can do this. Megan needs you. And no matter how bad the day may be, you WILL survive it!”

I think, to answer my own questions, I am able to laugh, because that was a HUGE part of our family. Even when we were sick, or in a bad mood, we were laughing. I hope I stop feeling guilty every time I laugh, though. I remember telling Mitch, quite often, “Stop! You can’t make me laugh every time I am mad at you! It’s not fair!” He LOVED to make people laugh. He LOVED laughing. So, with that in my mind, it may help me. It hasn’t yet, but I am hoping it will.

Megan is going to be an AMAZING adult, and I am going to see to that! She will make an impact on the lives of all she meets, just like her daddy. I will be with her every step of the way. I will be there, making sure she doesn’t make the same stupid decisions I made as a teenager. And, I will be there when she DOES make stupid decisions, or has her heart broken, or gets the academic award. I will be there! The only way I can be sure to be there, is to LIVE!



Smiling, even though he was pushed, fully clothed, into the pool, with his phone in his pocket. THIS is the man he was!

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