Loneliness

Have you heard people say “you can be surrounded by a lot of people, and still feel lonely.”?

It’s a thing. It really is. I am always surrounded by people, whether I’m at work, a weekly workout, or the races I love to do. I am surrounded by friends, family, and work family, all the time.

Loneliness is something that is felt deep in your soul.

It’s at the base of who you are. I’m not sure if I am explaining this right.

Imagine this. You meet the person of your dreams, at age 17. You fall into LIFE with them. (Yes, “life”!) You grow INTO each-other, rather than away from each other, in every possible way. You are never alone. Even if they go out of town for work, you are never alone. You have them. For 16.5 years, you have them. For almost half of your life, there you are, growing, and thriving together, loving, and living, teaching and learning.

Then one day, they’re gone.

Poof.

Nothing.

No more.

Not by choice.

Not because they moved on, and left you, while they live happily ever after with someone else.

But gone.

Really gone.

Now, just try to imagine how easy loneliness comes.

Imagine making a connection with someone, even if it’s just briefly. A connection that makes you feel a little human again, even if just for 30 minutes.

I’ll be the first to say this, and please… no. Just bare with me, here. I won’t ask you to forgive me. I won’t ask you not to judge me. I won’t ask you to keep your comments to yourself.

I’ll be the first to say, I doubt I’ll ever marry again. I doubt I’ll ever meet a man worthy enough, after Mitch.

That doesn’t mean I don’t like to have sex. (PS, Meg might read this, and for anyone who doesn’t know, Meg and I talk very openly, without crossing boundaries.) I like sex. I love people, and going out. I like to mingle, and I am also perfectly fine coming home alone. I am so very very picky, that it’s easy to come home alone.

No matter what I do, or who I do it with, I will be lonely, so I will continue to be extremely picky, in my choices.

I just had DeJaVu, while typing this, followed by my memory of making breakfast one Saturday morning, for Mitch and Meg, while I told Mitch about this awful dream I had. In this dream, I was writing about how lonely I was. And I knew it was because he died.

Now that I think about it, Meg and I were both “prepped” for the death of one of us. Meg dreamed a LOT about me dying. She only ever had one dream of Mitch passing. I dreamed of Mitch Dying, but not of his death. I dreamed of the little things that came after. Like my kitchen, my apartment, writing this fucking blog.

I have had dreams of Meg dying, but those were different. They were almost like a desensitizing kind of dream. The ones of Meg were in color, and very vivid, and horrible.

I would wake up, heart racing, tears falling, and I’d go kiss my little girl, and thank the stars that she was still alive. The dreams of Meg, I’d see her die, right in front of me, and the ones of Mitch were the aftermath.

The feelings I would come to endure. The overwhelming, unpredictable moments of complete weakness. (I’m okay with being weak, sometimes. I accept it.)

So, as you read this, just know, even the people who look to be surrounded by many, can still be lonely.

Don’t take your spouse for granted. Cherish every moment, even if that moment is you shoving their leg off of your legs, because your feet are falling asleep. Even if it’s their beard hair being left in the sink, every time he shaves, or the toothpaste in the sink, or dirty dishes in the kitchen, the dirty socks on the living room floor.

All of these things are precious.

All of them.

Mother’s day, Without Mitch… Round 2.

This is year 2, of being without Mitch, on Mother’s Day. Really! 2 Mother’s day’s without him!

That’s insane to me.

Crazy, even.

He’s been around, visiting. He showed up at a long time friend’s home an scared the jeepers out of their daughter. My lights have been flickering, and last night, my water bottle did a little dance on my night stand.

I know, it sounds silly or crazy to say “it was him”. If you’ve never experienced energies from a life passed over, you can’t understand. There is a presence that accompanies these instances.

You don’t realize how in tuned you are to people’s presence, until it’s no longer here. Then, when it IS here, it’s unmistakable. It’s very noticeable. Undeniable, even.

In my cases, I feel him surrounding me. If you knew Mitch, you know that when he walked into a room, he filled the room with his presence. He laughed and made others laugh. He loved fiercely, and always saw the best in everyone. He was there for all who needed him.

I’m not sure if he is here for Mother’s day, or if he’d just gotten a day pass, but he was definitely hanging around causing a ruckus.

Meh swears she hasn’t had any Dad experiences, but I’d bet money she dreams about him.

I remember a conversation I had with Mitch, Long before he died. I remember we were talking about how we would haunt the one who didn’t die. Like if I died first, I’d haunt his house, for sure, and visa versa.

I know I mentioned it before, but for any new readers, my husband and I talked about death and dying and our wishes, all the time. We were weird. What can I say?

I told him I didn’t want him to surprise me. I didn’t want him to scare me, because I never wanted to be afraid of him. So, he hasn’t scared me, yet. He does his thing, and I am aware of the energetic presence and cherish each visit.

I remember telling him that I’d love to talk to him, if he passed first, about everything. I just didn’t want him popping up, out of nowhere, and making me pee my pants.

In 9 days, I’ll be celebrating what would have been our 15 year wedding anniversary! 15 years!

Can you believe that?!

I can say, that without a doubt, if Mitch were still alive, I wouldn’t have met a few of my new friends. And, I am perfectly fine with that. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate each and every friend I’ve made. But, if I had to choose between meeting all of you, or having my husband alive, you can bet your asses I would choose him. Please, do not be offended or hurt by this confession. Instead, put yourself in my shoes and think about what you’d say.

You too?

How did you meet me? Was it post death, or before? Either way, I am happy we met, and have become friends. You were introduced into my life for a reason.

Shit Happens…

Shit happens. Literally, every single day, something happens and it sucks.

You may not think about it, but it does.

Or maybe your “something good” is someone else’s “bad” thing for the day. Say, you get promoted, and one of your coworkers was really hoping for that promotion. Good for you, but bad for them.

So, I’ll say it again.

Shit. Happens.

How do you deal with it? When something bad or shitty happens to you, what’s your response?

Do you blame yourself? Do you blame the circumstance? Do you just figure out a way to make it better? Shrug your shoulders and move forward?

I feel like I do a combination of these all. I weigh what matters most in each situation. If it’s something I could have prevented, I blame myself and think of the best way to make it better.

If it’s not that important (spilled milk), I shrug my shoulders and move forward.

Remember, your “crappy” could, unintentionally, mean someone else’s “happy,” and your “happy” could cause someone else’s “crappy,” unintentionally.

Just live your life, happily. Don’t brag too much. Move forward each day. Those who are meant to be there will be there. Those who aren’t at your pace will speed past you, or fall behind. Let them. It just means the ones who are still around are either working to purposely keep your pace, or are naturally there, with you. Embrace them.

And never move backwards. It’s okay to miss the ones who speed past or fall behind. But, try, try, try not to dwell.

Everyone and everything enters your life for a reason. Be it long term reasons or short term reasons, it’s meant to be, so embrace every moment.

Be kind, Always.

Good night.

Who Are You, Really?

I seem to ask myself this question, a lot, lately.

Who am I? Really? Am I someone my family needs to be ashamed of?

Am I someone who should feel shame in what I do, or how I feel?

Should I be ashamed about anything in my life.

My answer to all of those questions is no. I am not ashamed of myself, in any way, shape, or form.

I was terrified, when Mitch passed. I asked myself, so many times, “Who are you, without him?”, and I couldn’t answer that question. That was scary. He helped shape me into the woman I grew to be. He did. Just imagine, you’re 17 years old.You fall in love. You are with this human for the rest of his life. He dies at 34. I was lost. So,  without him, who am I?

I am Tabbie.

I am woman.

I am Mom.

I am sister.

I am daughter, granddaughter.

I am cousin, friend, and coworker. I am athletic. I am a lover. I am passionate. I am curious.

I am a fixer. I am a surgical tech. I am fun, and entertaining.

I am a talker. I am a writer. I am a professional.

I have the mind of a man, and the body of a woman.

I am curious.

I am sexual.

I. Am. Me.

It took me over a year to really understand who I am. I have always known I am not like everyone else. I am okay with that. I have always understood that I am a bit different, but it is okay. I am not too weird. I don’t think. I mean I have met weirder people, throughout my life.

I have met an array of humans recently. Most are pretty amazing people.

I’ve met a couple in an open relationship. I have met a father/daughter team, that I can’t imagine my life without, now. I have made friends along this widow journey, that I wouldn’t trade for the world.

I have become healthier. I have learned to open up, and be completely honest about everything. I don’t want to step on toes, or hurt feelings, or be a dick, but I am honest. If I think you are sexy, I’ll tell you. I don’t care what you think of me.

If I think you’re being a douche bag, I will tell you. I don’t care. You should probably stop being a douche.

If I think you should seek professional help, I’ll tell you that too.

I would never tell anyone anything in a mean way, just an informational way.

So, as I continue to ask myself, “Who are you, really?” I will continue to grow as a human. I will continue to help others grow as well, in any way I can.

 

Can you say who you are, really? Think about it. You should know you, but do you?

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Writing is Hard Sometimes. A Blog of Rambling. Science and Cancer. Death and Living.

Writing can be so hard, sometimes. I got my MacBook out, last night, and was going to start writing, and ended up texting a friend on my phone, while using iMessage to talk to another. I never even opened “pages” on my MacBook, to write. I had a great chapter topic, too.

Then, after all the talking and not even writing the topic down, it slipped my mind. Just fell out, like it was never there! It’s okay. It should come back to me. Right?

This morning, I thought of something great to blog about, then started chatting with the kiddo, because that’s more important to me, than blogging, or writing.

I forgot what I was going to blog about! Oh man! I’m losing it!

So, I guess I will just ramble my way through this blog post, and hope you all enjoy it.

 

CANCER

I keep hearing about all of these people getting diagnosed with cancer. That’s the last thing I want to hear about my friends or their loved ones. Not because it puts a damper on my day. That’s not it at all. I don’t like to hear it, because I know my friends, or family are about to go through the most awful journey ever handed to humanity.

I know that the journey they are about to endure, will be rough. I know it isn’t fun. Most of the recent diagnoses have been pretty bad ones, lately.

“stage 4”

“Metastasized”

“aggressive”

“1:1,000,000”

The things you don’t want to hear when you get diagnosed.

Before I heard about most of these diagnoses, I was talking about my trip to Atlanta, with one of the surgeons I work with. It struck a chord in his mind.

He started telling me about a doctor doing a research study in Atlanta. This doctor has figured out a way to inject directly into the cancer, and this formula then kills all cancer cells that have gone into the body. This doc gave lymphoma to 100 rats (I believe that’s the correct cancer, but I don’t remember exactly, can’t remember the doc’s name so hard for me to look it up. I know someone out there has better research skills than I do, so have at it, and leave it in the comments, if you find the doc’s name and facility!).

He injected these rats with cancer, then used the formula and it eliminated all signs of that specific cancer in 97 of the 100 rats.

Can we take a pause, here, and just think how amazing that really is?

Some new readers might wonder why I am writing this blog about cancer. No, my husband didn’t die of cancer. But cancer is one of the leading causes of death, right up there with how my husband died (heart and vascular diseases.

So, back to the doc doing research!

He later decided to inject rats with 2 kinds of cancer, and then only injected this cure into ONE of the origins. All cancer cells from that particular cancer were wiped out, but the secondary cancer was still there. So, in that experiment, he found he would have to inject the formula into BOTH cancers to eliminate it.

This study brings so much joy to me. As a very strange, very curious child, I would always think, “Why do humans have to have their entire bodies ruined for a possibility of removing cancer? Why can’t we just inject the cancer itself?”

Mind you, I never studied farther, or did anything with that question. But, now, I look back and I think, “damn! If only I had the resources, and not disregarded that question…”

But not really. I love science, and biology. I am that weird person, who loves when we go in to do surgery, and the surgeon explains everything we are doing. I feel like its a connect the dots game, or like we are fixing a car or a robot.

So, now you can see why this study makes me so happy.

I am excited to see the longer-term results. so far, each study participant that was cured is still cancer free.

And if you get a cancer diagnoses, please, don’t think its the end. It might not have to be a death sentence after all.

Because someone, who had the same question as I did, (most likely),  took that question, and did something with it. And that, is amazing!

 

APARTMENT LIVING

My neighbors suck. Period. They all have animals who bark so much, all the time. One has a dog that barks, and it’s so high pitched, and screechy. It, literally, hurts my ears.

I have a neighbor, that lives downstairs, that is a complete douche bag, and has almost ran over kids in the apartment complex because he drives 40-50mph through the apartment complex parking lots. I really wish they’d put in speed bumps. He also smokes in the indoor breezeways, and we have a shared air system. It’s terrible. I am a little more sensitive to cigarette smells than a non smoker, as I smoked a very long time and quit about 4 years ago.

I like my neighbor Mani. He’s quiet, and respectful. He was the first one I met, when moving in. My brother started having really bad stomach pains and had to lay on the couch during the unload. Mani jumped in and started carrying boxes in. Unfortunately, he doesn’t live right above me! He’d be the perfect upstairs neighbor.

I should be fair. I have new neighbors, next door, and they’re great thus far. So cute! They were having a bday party, a few weeks ago, and knocked on our door for a lighter or matches. I had one, that I kept, of Mitch’s, a simple Bic. I let them borrow it. They brought it back with a giant piece of delicious birthday cake! They aren’t loud, either. So, jackpot on that note. We share one wall. The one by the dining room.

 

OUT OF TOWN

Race season is in full swing. I am leaving town this Friday, at 4:30am, to drive to Texas for my second race of the season. I am sad that Meg isn’t joining us, this time. She’s not sad, though, as she won’t have to hang out at this race venue alone.

I love Savage race. It’s great. I did my first one last week and had so much fun, even running it alone! But, Meg was stuck hanging out all alone, since there wasn’t a volunteer opportunity for her, there. She is excited about all of the Conquer the Gauntlet races this year, though. She gets to run the merchandise tent, so she’s never bored. She interacts with so many people, and gets free food and drink tickets, and she loves the people who run the race series. Watching her interact with all the strangers like a champ, is so fun for me. I know her. I know she is terrified, but I know what it takes for her to get up there, and talk to all these strangers.

She is brave.

She is scared, but knows it’s not dangerous, so faces it.

Amazing!

I am headed to Texas next weekend, then have a half marathon the following weekend. then May is Battlegrounds in Wright City, Mo, and lots of training.

Once June hits, I’m gone 3 weekends a month, and Meg will be with me, for each of them. She is going to hate going to Nebraska, since I am driving up the day of the races. HA! early rising this summer. At least she gets to sleep on the drive up.

When I told her I probably wouldn’t be doing as many races, next year, she was disappointed with me. She told me she liked all the traveling.

That made my heart soar! She is my little gypsy. I love traveling, too. As soon as she is done with high school, I or we are traveling, and I am going to do it for work, too. Maybe she can do online college, by then?

Meg’s birthday, in October. I am hoping I can get us plane tickets to Corona, California, so we can go see (meet in person) my friend I’ve had for 14+ years. Molly and Meg have been in each-other’s lives since infancy, but have never met, in person. Pen-pals to text buddies, to social media friends.

They are one day apart in age. We would be able to celebrate their birthdays together, which would be amazing! Gina and I have talked about meeting for all these years. I think I’m going to make it happen this year.

2018 is our year of travel.

West coast in October, East Coast in November. I can and I will make this happen.

 

I guess I could ramble all day about many many topics, but I have to get on with my day.

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I Should Be in Bed, Asleep, but, Instead, I Am Writing This.

My mother-in-law posted pics tonight.

Mitch was in them.

It hurts to see his smiling face, like he’s still here.

It brings tears to my soul.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ll never stop looking at his photos. I’ll never stop reading the things he wrote. I’ll never stop remembering him.

But some days it hurts worse than others and today is one of those days .

Jesus Christ, god damn, I miss him.

I was just talking to a friend, who was my very best friend in 1st and 2nd grade, until her family had to move away. We didn’t reconnect until Meg was in 2nd grade. But reconnect, we did!

She told me how she loved seeing the pictures of us, because our love was visible through pictures. She isn’t the only person who has told me this. My heart aches, every single time I think about him being gone.

Sometimes. Sometimes, I feel ashamed for continuing to Move forward with my life. Even though I know, I can’t do anything BUT move forward.

A lot of things I do, like having sex with other men, I know I wouldn’t be doing if Mitch were alive. Now, don’t get me crazy. I’m not sleeping a bunch of men. I say “other men” meaning, a man who isn’t Mitch, but never more than one man at a time. I know. No one wants to read that. No one wants to know that. But it is true.

It is life.

At least, it’s my life.

Mitch really set the bar so very high. So. Very. High.

I was so lucky, so fucking lucky to have met, and have been blessed by the presence of Mitch. To have been the woman he chose to spend his life with. He could have had any woman, if I’m being honest, and he chose me. ME! That’s not a bragger’s comment. It is the thoughts of a woman who never thought she would find a man who would treat her the way Mitch treated me. He always made me feel like I was too good. Like he was the lucky one. He had a way like that, about him. We all felt like we were the lucky ones, for knowing and loving him, right? But if you asked him, he would tell you how lucky he was that he was graced with your presence. I know, it sounds confusing, but, those of you, who were close enough, know what I’m saying. WE were the lucky ones, but he would disagree.

In the words of Mitch,

“Cheers”

And good night.

A Little Racing, and a Whole Lot of Much Needed Mom/Daughter Time.

As I sit here, typing this blog, Megs is laying in bed, probably cursing me for having my laptop open in a dark room.

I am drinking my coffee, thinking about how this long weekend has been perfect. We laughed, we had fun, and we spent way too much money! But, that’s what long weekends are about, right?

I’ve been watching my kiddo, while we have been here. She hasn’t smiled this much, in a very, very long time. She posed for pictures, and everything. I mean, she posed for pictures WITHOUT covering her face in some way or another.

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I love that face! That face is beautiful! I think this trip has given her a bit of an escape, for sure. It’s given me an escape. She suffered through my 2.5 hours on the course, as she sat there, taking multiple selfies with my camera. I’ll share, with you, one of them:

 

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Meg was able to see many places and even got to walk the grounds of her favorite show. She was so excited. Hell, I was excited for her! If I could have had the opportunity to walk the grounds of the kids from saved by the bell, or any of the kids from Nickelodeon, or Disney, I would have fallen over from pure excitement!

Meg stayed upright. I’m not sure how, as I had to remind her to breathe a few times.

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For anyone who doesn’t know what this school is, it is the middle school from the Netflix Original series, Stranger Things.

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She was absolutely over the moon!

I am so happy to have provided her the opportunity.

Now, for my fun stuff!

I raced this weekend. I had a fantastic time, doing a new (to me) race series. I got all banged up, but had an absolutely amazing time. I could have asked for a few more people to be a bit nicer on the course, but, you can’t fix everyone.

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This race was hard, but it was my best in finish and everything, that I’ve managed.

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I forgot how bad it hurts to skin your knees! Wow! I banged right into one of the obstacles, then I did it again, and when I was climbing up the second wall, I noticed the blood coming down. I thought, well shit… I hate when it happens so early in a race. I had to then drag it through so much mud and sand and lord knows what else. It bled for about an hour, so I am hoping it just kept pushing away anything that would cause any bad infections. ha!

The worst part of skinning your knees is when it scabs. It hurts to move. booooo!

Well, I fly in a little while so I should cut this short.

 

All in all, Meg and I had a fantastic time in Georgia, and can’t wait to come back! (and we haven’t even left yet!!!)

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New Experiences

I am flying for the first time, ever, today. I am currently sitting in the airport, after going through the bag check and everything.

My vagina set off the scanner.

Wow…

I had to be patted down, and my lady bits touched a bit. I guess you should never fly while on your period. ha!

All went well. She walked out and came back, and swiped my hands, to check for explosive stuff, residue.

Oh man. Then, I was standing there, and the one lady security guard said “you can calm down.” I was thinking, “I am pretty calm, actually. I wasn’t even worried, since I know I wasn’t carrying anything besides a pad in my underwear.

Mitch wanted to take me on a plane. He hated that I had never flown before. He swore he was going to buy us round trip/same day plane tickets so we could experience my first time, together.

Now, Meg and I are at the airport, about to fly for the first time, together. Mitch would be proud. We aren’t freaking out, externally. Neither one of us! I know she is freaking out on the inside, though. She is scared. But, so am I. I’ve never flown before, and I fear the unknown. But, I face it. How else do we get through life?

Without facing the fears of the unknown, we don’t learn. We don’t grow. We don’t discover new things.

I am renting a car. I have never been the one in charge of renting a car. I always just drive my car. And, when Mitch was alive, he was the one who took care of everything, so I never had to mess with any of it.

I’m doing it.

We are doing it.

I also remembered to bring Mitch’s ash, so we could take him out to the film sights. He was the one who wanted this trip, more than anything. We will leave him at the different film spots, and I will have a drink with him, tomorrow night.

He wanted to take Meg to Atlanta.  When he was alive, he suggested we find a race in Atlanta, so we could go. When I didn’t jump on that, he found out Walker Stalker Con was in ATL, one year and wanted to go. We couldn’t afford it, though, with taking the days off from work, to the money we would be spending to eat every day.

We never went.

This will be my second time visiting Georgia. Last year, it was a spur of the moment, “lets drive to GA” with 2 of my girlfriends and I. We hopped in my brand new car, after work, around 3:30-4pm, and took off. Drove through the night, slept for an our or 2, got up, ran a race, went for lunch, then drove home.

Not much time for site seeing.

I was okay with not seeing much of the City. I felt like I was cheating Meg of a trip that she was supposed to be on.

Now, we are doing it!

We will go to different Walking dead film sites. We are going to the school that is “Hawkins” Middle school. We are staying at the Hyatt. We have a rental car. We are flying.

We are doing this trip the right way. We are going to have fun, and enjoy a beautiful city.

We can’t wait to share our adventures with everyone!

And adventure season has begun!

 

 

Learning and Growing

 

As a widow, I know, it’s something we must all do. We must all learn and continue to grow as humans.

Our attitudes towards life and all that accompanies it, it what gets us to who we are, as humans. We can be good or we can be bad. Some of us are bad, and don’t even realize it. Some are so good, and don’t realize it.

Learning from the past is the best thing about being human. We know the outcome, once we have done something.

Think back to when you were a kid, and you heard someone say “if you mix vinegar and baking soda, it’ll bubble up, all over the place!”

Every single one of us HAD to try it out, as soon as we got home. It wasn’t something we were going to believe until we saw it with our own eyes.

As adults, it’s the same and its different. We learn how to balance our social life, family life, and work life. We have to LEARN it. It doesn’t come naturally, and it is not easy. So many times something or someone gets the shaft. It’s never intentional, as we are human, and we are continually learning. It’s a never-ending cycle of life, living and being.

Will we ever be who we are supposed to be, completely? Will we ever achieve complete self?

I don’t think so. I think with every part of life, we continue to grow.

I met a couple, recently. I was on a dating app, (yes, please don’t give me hell. It totally passes the time, and mostly makes me laugh, because some people are so incredibly ridiculous. But that’s a story for another time), and I matched up with this guy. He was kind of cute, and I swiped that I thought he was cute. He already liked me, so we matched up. I had to send the first message, and I did, because what could it hurt? I asked what he was looking for from that site, he said a friend with benefits. I chatted a bit more, and realized he was funny. He was kind of interesting. Then, a bomb was dropped.

“I have a girlfriend and we are in an open relationship.”

*GASP*

“I’m not into couples, man, but we can be friends.” Was what I told him. I was so curious, and always wanted to ask someone about how and why they chose to be in an open relationship. I asked so many questions, and he answered. He said “it’s human nature to want to have sex with multiple people.” I interjected, there. I told him that I was with the same man for sixteen and a half years, all the way up to the day he died, and never had the urge to actually step outside of our marriage for sex, so this boggled my mind.

I have zero interest in having a boyfriend/relationship with anyone, but making friends is fun. No kidding. They texted me one night, and asked if I wanted to meet them for dinner. I said sure, and headed to the restaurant.

I met her and him and we are all friends, now. I went out with them the other night, and ended up with them while they met another couple.

I promise. This is about growing. No, I am not sleeping with this couple, so no worries.

Here I am, the 5th wheel, curious as hell, about this new couple. Those of you who know me, know I can’t keep my mouth shut for too long, especially after I’ve had beer, and even worse, when I am curious. I really am curious.

This couple was cute. Adorable even! They seemed to be even more curious than I was. I could tell they were new to the “open thing” but didn’t want to ask, outright, because I am not dating these two either. ha!

I listened as the 4 talked about this and that, and life and their jobs, and all the small talk.  I was giggling inside. My friends were asking their new friends how long they had been together and how long they had been married. No one asked the question I was dying to know! So, I asked.

I leaned forward in my chair, and asked, “and, how long have you been open?”

All four heads swung my direction, like “did she just ask that?” After I asked, I wondered if it was a question you aren’t supposed to ask. Then, I realized I didn’t care if I was or wasn’t supposed to ask. I was curious, and they were adorable, and potentially going to date my friends. Or maybe just sleep with them? I don’t know? So, they responded.

They said, almost shyly, “um. one month?” So, I asked another question.

“How many dates have you had since becoming open?”

She had one, and he hadn’t had any.

I feel like, the encounter with these people, all four of them, is allowing my brain to grow, and become more accepting of a human beings.

I have learned that people can legitimately be in a relationship, and be completely committed, yet still have sex with other people. It may not be my idea of a perfect relationship, and it may not be your idea of a perfect relationship, but who cares? They are honest with each other, and they are honest with everyone they meet. If everyone knows everything, and everyone is agreeable, then why can’t they do what they want to do? Right?

I had never even thought of an open relationship as something people can manage to live with, however, after meeting this couple, and learning their ability to be 100% honest with each-other all the time, it made me believe that there are actually honest people in the world. And that’s fucking amazing!

I am not saying that my friends aren’t honest, or anything like that. So don’t get me wrong.

I just come from a group of people who are with one person, and sleeping with people outside of your current relationship is frowned upon, or looked down on. If one of my friend’s husbands slept with another woman, it would be considered “cheating” because it wouldn’t be known by both parties.

It is such a touchy topic, I know. But, I am a learner, and I am growing as a human being. I thoroughly enjoy other humans and learning the why behind who they are. I do not judge them, and I don’t degrade them. I embrace them. Of course, there are lines, ya know. Being of age and of the same consenting species are big musts. So please, don’t try to use that with this.

My favorite thing, in life, is meeting people, and hearing their stories. It’s fascinating to learn why people are the way they are.

I highly suggest, next time you encounter someone who believes differently than you do, or lives a lifestyle you can’t even imagine, to ask them questions. Learn about it. Open your mind to understand that just because they are different from you, doesn’t mean they are wrong. If it isn’t illegal, and isn’t hurting people, why should we get mad? Why should we have such strong feelings opposing people’s lifestyles?

 

Learn.

Grow.

Be a better human today, than you were yesterday.

Kindness Matters.

 

Deepest of Loves

Every single morning, before I leave my apartment, I open my daughter’s bedroom door, and trip my way to her bed, to kiss her, hug her, and tell her I love her, and wish her a great day.

Every morning.

I don’t care if I leave at 3:30am, to hit the gym, before work, or if it’s 9am on a Saturday, and I’m off to run errands.

This morning, as I walked into her room, my heart swelled bigger than any other time I’ve looked at her, recently.

She is so grown up, when she is awake. She is a teenager, through and through. She’s a smart ass. (wonder where she got that from?) She is so smart, and so funny, speaks fluent sarcasm, and basically, she is my favorite human being.

But today, when I walked into her bedroom, and she was laying, like a toddler, on her tummy, legs pulled in, and face to the side, all I could think was “my baby.”

So innocent, and beautiful, and in such a state that I could ALMOST pretend like she hasn’t gone through absolute hell, losing her father.

I don’t know how better to put into words the overwhelming love I have for my child. To protect her without hovering. To trust her to make the right decisions, and to come to me when she isn’t sure. To believe in her, 100%, and still help guide her without telling her what to do.

I never, in a million years, thought I would be a “single” widowed mom, of a teenager. Not JUST a teenager, but a teenage GIRL!

I always thought “oh thank God I have Mitch! He will be the perfect daddy through Meg’s years when she hates me!” Because there comes a point, in every teenage girl’s life that she hates her mom. Well, a majority.

So, what do I do now, if she gets to a point where she hates me?

I don’t have her dad, here. I mean, she could think “what would Dad do if he were here?” But, she IS a teenager.

I just know, without a doubt in my mind, I will go through hell and back as many times as I need to, to keep her safe. Period.

She has my whole heart.

All of it.

Every bit that’s left. It’s hers.