Empty Seats


I remember the first time I went out to eat, after Mitch passed away. It hurt so bad, to look across the table, at the empty seat that Mitch should have been sitting in. I cried, and felt so bad about it, because that night was to celebrate my brother’s birthday. It was supposed to be a night of happy thoughts, to ease my mind. It wasn’t. 

As I sit here today, in Memphis, TN, I see the empty seat in front of me. It still hurts, but I can bear it. I can handle the pain. I am pulled toward tears, but I blink them back faster than they can spill over. 

I am sitting with my family, having lunch, and finishing up the last of our, incredible, vacation. 

That seat is still empty. 

My heart still aches.

The tears still threaten. 

However.

My heart still beats.

My lungs still breathe. 

I keep moving. 

The world keeps spinning. 

Life keeps going. 

 

Father’s Day Without Dad

So, today has been such a bittersweet, heart happy/wrenching kind of day. 

Let’s talk about the good, because, we all already know about the bad. My heart has been so heavy, today, but we managed to have so much fun, as well.

Today started early. 4:30am, up and making breakfast for my 2 brothers, my mom and Megan. 

My two brothers and I went out on the ocean, to do some deep sea fishing. It was amazing. 2 hours in, my little brother started to puke. We told him to take the Dramamine, but he refused, saying he would be fine. HA! He puked like 5 times, and I got the first one recorded! I laughed so hard! 
And I said “I told you to take that stuff!” 

He hugged the palm tree when he got to dry land. 

Since he wasn’t going to make it the remaining 4 hours, Brady and I swapped him out for our mom, and went back out there. It was so amazing. Mom caught fish. I caught fish. Brady caught fish. And before the swap, Nate caught some too! 

I caught a Cobie and had to throw it back, but it was pretty cool! It looked like a mini shark! He held it because we had to keep it alive to send home, so it wouldn’t be too hurt. 


Here were the ones we caught and got to keep. Plus the two Nate caught before his barfin’ party. 


We used Brady’s GoPro to record us sending Mitch’s ash into the ocean. And of course, the wind changed and blew his ash right into our faces! That definitely lightened the mood. 

Megan didn’t want to go out that far in the ocean, so she lounged around, all day, until we got back, and Brady decided to take her for a Helicopter ride! Yes! You read that correctly! Meg went up into a helicopter, and proceeded to “squish” things below, just like her dad would have done. 

When we arrived, we went straight to the beach, and sent Mitch out. He would have loved every little bit of this vacation.

 Every. Little. Thing. 


Please, excuse my face. This was immediately after our 16 hour drive. 

I hate that Megan has to spend this, and every following Father’s Day, without her amazing father. It isn’t fair. But, LIFE isn’t fair. Thank the gods we already know and understand this, because if we didn’t, we would be angry. We would be defeated. We would be far more broken than we are. 

Happy Father’s Day, Mitchell John. We miss you. We love you. We will carry on your laughter, and your positive attitude toward life. We will continue to live our lives to the fullest, and never miss an opportunity to be kind to someone.  Our lives have been forever altered with your passing, but we will make it! You were the most amazing father, husband, and friend. You gave us the greatest gift (outside of your love) of all! Your family, who is OUR family, still. I am SO happy that Meg was old enough to have that bond with you. It’s such an amazing thing. 

I Am Tired

Exhausted would be a better word to use. I am exhausted.

It’s only Wednesday, and this week has been incredible, sad, scary, but, most of all, it’s been FUN!

It’s been very fun! A Concert on Monday, with a great friend, who I hope to get to hang out with more often, followed by a mom/daughter day on Tuesday getting our hair, and nails done, went out for dinner, and had ice cream cones, from our favorite ice cream shop.

Today, I will go watch Meg catch for her softball team, and hopefully slay the competition. (I’m THAT softball mom.)

I’ve been a bit more sad than normal, this week, and I realize why. Father’s day is on Sunday. This is going to be a rough one.

Megan’s first father’s day without her dad. My heart aches for her. My heart aches for ME! I never had the opportunity to have the beautiful father-daughter bond, that Megan and Mitchell shared. I used to just sit back, and watch them, in awe of how amazing they were together. I got to see that it is real. Sometimes, those perfect movie families can be REAL! Sunday is definitely going to be a rough day. We will have a drink with Mitch for father’s day (Brady and I. Not Megan!), in Florida.

I have felt very close to tears, multiple times this week. Hell, I cried at the hair salon, last night! I was blogging, but decided I didn’t like that blog, because it was just awful, and it would most likely piss people off. So, I deleted it.

I am in no mood to keep pissing people off. I am just living my life, like I need to do.

I am really goal oriented, and have discovered, I typically get the things that I want. I work for them, and I get them. Proudly. I am not sure why I wasn’t trying before. Maybe I just didn’t care, before. I was happy with my life. I am figuring out how to be happy, still. It’s different, now. I am always running. I work, I parent, I am supposed to cook, regularly (haha!), and make sure the apartment is clean, and then I have to also adult! Pay bills, get my oil changed. The works!

So, in the last 4 months, I have learned to do all of the things that Mitch did, and continue to take care of the things I used to take care of. It is exhausting! I decided I didn’t want to just work and sleep, and clean, and pay bills. I decided that with all of the “UNfun” stuff, there should be something fun thrown in there, too! Something just for me, or just for Megan, or just for us together.

So, If I am exhausted, it’s because I am making time for the fun. We need that. Everyone needs it. I recommend that.

Between the tear filled days, we must find the happiness. We must laugh, and tell our memories. We must keep our good people close, and cut loose the ones who try to bring us down. There’s enough going on in my head, that I do not need, or WANT anyone’s attempts at mind games. No time for that. I have many more important things to focus on.  So the only thing to do, is cut them loose. It could be a friend, or part of your family. It doesn’t matter, if they attempt mind games, say goodbye. You will thank yourself, in the long run.

Now, it’s time for me to do that “adulting” stuff, I talked about earlier.

 

haircuts

 

Do You Know What You Want in Life? Sex? Relationships? Money?

Or, do you only THINK you know?

Recently, I had myself convinced I wanted to be something I am not. I wanted to let myself go, with abandon, and not give 2 shits about it.

I wanted to be this person, who I have never been. Or so I convinced myself. Maybe I do want it? Maybe not. Most likely, not.

I am still figuring things out.

I found I like things I never thought I would like, and that’s what I am going to take from this life lesson. Because, honestly, everything is a lesson, in life. Right?

After being with someone for nearly sixteen and a half years, it’s hard to really know what you want, outside of that relationship, and all of the things that come along with it.

Many of our friends would joke about who wore the pants in our relationship. They always said it was me. It was, mostly. And there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s just how we were. I, more dominant than he. (and before anyone gets all weirded out, I mean in every aspect of our relationship. Not just sexual.)

I had convinced myself that I don’t want those pants, again. I don’t. I say “convinced myself”, but I have figured out, I don’t ever want to be that person who is bossy, and bitchy, and argues, and always gets her way. I was spoiled. Mitch spoiled the shit out of me. I am NOT complaining, at all. He was perfect. Perfect for the person I was. Perfect for the family that we created. Perfect.

Becoming a widow has opened my eyes to many things that I could do differently, when it comes to the next step. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not ready for relationship status, and won’t be for a long time. That’s just not something I want, right now. I wanted sex, sure. But, I realized, after a very long, drunken, conversation, that I didn’t actually want what I was asking for, but for some reason, I thought I did. And that’s fine. I have no regrets.  But, enough about that.

In life, I want to be happy. That’s something that many people struggle with. I am doing everything in my power to keep myself and my daughter happy. Being widowed has shown me, no more “next year! We will do this NEXT YEAR!” No, we will do it NOW! Next year may never come for us. There’s a deep longing to be free. To do everything that I have ever wanted to do. That is one of the reasons I have started traveling. Short, weekend adventures, to run dirty, muddy, obstacle course races. The people I find myself surrounded by, during these races, are genuine people. They are happy. They are out there, playing in the mud, and swinging from the monkey bars, like overgrown children. Happy.

I want to be successful. I want to continue to be successful in my career, in my friendships, and in my LIFE. There’s nothing wrong with being an independent woman. I really hate that the way I had to realize how independent I am, was losing the love of my life, my soulmate, the father of my child.

I have had a rough few days, thinking about everything. I go through phases. Sometimes, I accept what is my life. Other times, I question it all. But, the last few days have been more like living in a dream. I am back to that. Like, I am going to wake up, soon, and everything that’s wrong in the world will be right again. I just need to let the dream go a little bit longer. Just a little while longer. I’ll wake up, soon.

But I am awake. I am completely aware of how awake I truly am.

I have started to spread Mitch’s ashes, as I travel. I placed him in the Grassy Knoll in Dallas, TX. I know it sounds insane, but Mitch was such a nerd, he would have LOVED it there. I placed him by a quote from Kennedy’s speech, that he never was able to give. It reads:

“We in this country, in this generation. Are-by destiny rather than choice-the watchmen on the walls of world freedom. We ask, therefore, that we may be worthy of our power and responsibility, that we may exercise our strength with wisdom and restraint, and that we may achieve in our time and for all time the ancient vision of “peace on earth, and good will toward men.” That must always be our goal, and the righteousness of our cause must always underlie our strength. For as was written long ago: “Except the lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.”
–John Fitzgerald Kennedy

It’s a beautiful place, with beautiful words. And just to make it so much more emotional, there was a man, playing the violin, in the gazebo, and we could hear his music, as we spread the ash. I cried, harder than I’ve cried in a long time, that afternoon. Spreading his ashes was like conformation that he is actually, physically, gone from this place. It hurt. It hurt so bad.

I think that’s when I started to feel like I was in a dream. Or, like I am just a character in a movie, following the script I was given. It’s a very strange sensation. I am not sure what to think of it. I am not sure where to go with it. I am not sure if anyone else feels this way, or if it’s just my widow-brain.

I was chatting with a friend. A very handsome friend, but no worries there, we are both very dedicated to our children, live 1,000 miles apart, and if anything went down between us, it would be at least 6 years from now. ;P But we were chatting. We were talking about how I have always wanted to live in the country, and how he has always wanted big city life. Funny how that worked out, huh? But, my point, we were talking about being single, and how it sucks, but it is what it is. I told him that I feel like people are scared of me. He asked why, I told him, because I am a widow. That’s terrifying to so many people. And that’s okay! I’ll say, you should not be scared of me, because of my being a widow. I’m not exactly sure what there is to be afraid of, but if anyone has any insight, please, share!

I know, that in the future, I will want a relationship. I will want something fun, exciting, sexually adventurous and strong. Key words: In. The. Future. Not now, not next month, and probably not next year. But, I already know that it  will be something I want. I can see it in my head.  Right now, though,  I want to continue to find myself. It’s important to me, to find out who this new woman is. Not knowing myself will be a problem, for any future endeavours.

So please, bear with me, here, as I continue to search within myself, and find out everything I ACTUALLY want. Sexually, in life, or in general. Only I can discover these things.

And keep in mind, this is much harder for me, than anyone will ever realize. I struggle with myself, daily. Like, do you really want to do that? Yes. No. Yes. No. It’s a cycle that I must work through. I’ve only talked to one man about this stuff. Poor guy. I’ve treated him like he’s my private journal, rather than a friend. Sorry, man. I’m working on it.

Now, about money. I know what I want in the money department. I want to be comfortable. I don’t need to be dirty rich, I can’t go back to paycheck-paycheck. I like where I am, with savings, with budgeting, with being able to vacation. I like it. I know that when I do start dating, my number one thing with be, that man has got to have his own self comfortable, financially. I don’t want to worry about someone else’s struggles. That sounds terrible, but I am being completely honest. I have my own money. I have my own savings. I am financially stable, and don’t plan on screwing that pooch. I think, even if in 5-6 years, I end up married to someone else, (IF!) I would not merge bank accounts. I am working too hard to fix all the shit that we screwed up, as youngins. I will never risk ruining my hard work.

In all honesty, I really don’t care about YOUR money, just as long as you have your OWN, and aren’t interested in MINE. Does that make sense? I’m not into sharing anymore. 😉 (dear goddess, I sound like a bitch. oh well. I know the truth.)

My Best Writings Are My Most Private Ones.

Unfortunately, it is true. My most private of writings are my best ones. I love to share how I am doing, where I am, what my emotions are, and how I really feel about my emotions.

Emotions are finicky things. How can you feel one way, then feel pissed off about it?

How can you miss one person, so deeply, and still be happy around another?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not “around another” right now.

I don’t know where I go from here, or what I do. I know that I just keep being me, and keep bettering myself, each chance I get.

I become stronger with each obstacle I surpass. Just like when I am racing, so is my life.

I start off running a good pace, I hit an obstacle. It slows me down. I get through it. I run again. I hit another obstacle. I can’t do it alone. I get help from a friend, or a stranger. I get through it, and continue to run. I may slip, and fall in the mud. But I get up, wipe my hands and keep moving forward.

My ultimate goal? To finish. My goal is always to finish.

If ever I come upon an obstacle I just cannot complete, I skip it. I choose my battles. I go around it, and plan to work on that for next time. One day, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, I WILL complete every obstacle thrown at me.

Until then, I will keep choosing my battles. I will keep being me. I will keep working, and striving for greatness.

 

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The last birthday, of mine I got to spend with Mitch.

A Widow and Her Word Vomit

I will apologize in advance, for this post. I have so much to say, and haven’t really thought it through, yet.

I have found myself in tears, a lot the last couple of days. I think my strength is dwindling, with the migraine I’ve had. I found myself on Mitch’s facebook page, looking through old videos and photos. Man, I miss him so much! His goofy smile, his “everything will be fine” mentality, his warm hug, that made everything really feel like it was going to be fine.

As I scrolled through the pictures on his facebook, laughing at the memes he made or shared, the pictures of him and Megan, and the ones of us, I realized, I can tell you things that happened the days that most of those pics were taken. I can tell you that in this picture, we had argued, right before getting out of the car, at his Aunt Cindy’s house. I don’t remember what we argued about, but I remember we were having a tiff. All ended up fine, as it always did with us. I mean, who can stay mad at those dimples?

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I have been thinking a lot. My brain has been in overdrive, and I just lay here, and think, “This is really happening? This is really my life? Why? What the hell did I do? Why does whoever is in charge think this was necessary? This sucks! I am strong, but damnit, I don’t want to be!”

Things like this are a regular cycle through my head, recently.

A small part of me is still hoping this is a joke. Or maybe Mitch witnessed something, and is actually in the witness protection program. But, my realistic mind overrules those thoughts. I know what’s real. No matter how much I wish it wasn’t, this is fact. Mitch has passed on, and is without pain or worries. He is free. He is with his mom, grandmother, and many of the greats.

I am here. Meg is here. We are making the best of this situation. We are not just surviving, we are THRIVING. We are being the best that WE can be. We are working to better ourselves each day, with every step and every human encounter we make.

As I lay here, and mourn the loss of such an inspiration to my life, I know it is just my selfish nature, wanting to keep him just for us. He was MINE, and I only shared with Megan. When she was born, he became OURS.

I read, quite a bit, like I’ve said in previous blogs. I actually read a new one, within the last couple of days about “Widows should only date widowers.” My initial thought was “WHAT? WHY??” Then, “NO THANK YOU!” As I read along, and it makes quite a few points about why it should be that way, I still disagree. I think that the right person for any widow or widower, will be the person who is the strongest, and the one with the most understanding. It’ll be the person who doesn’t get jealous over a deceased spouse. It’ll be the one who says “Let’s go to *insert place here* and take some ash!”

It doesn’t have to be a widower. It doesn’t have to be someone who “understands”. It just needs to be someone STRONG. Someone who is willing to understand YOU as a person grieving, and know that there can be a bond, but a different kind of bond that you shared with your deceased love.

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I am going to talk about Mitch, probably until the day I die, because he was hilarious, and such a HUGE part of my life, not to mention, he fathered my amazing daughter. So, STRONG and secure in oneself, are a must, when it comes to that point in my life. And, honestly, who knows when I will ever be to the “dating” point? It could be months, it could be years, it could be never, or tomorrow?

It’s funny, when I think about dating. I had seriously sworn off all men, the night before Mitch came into McDonald’s and invited me to his 18th bday party. Sworn. Off. All. Men! I was done! I had it and didn’t even care to talk to them.

Then, in walked Mitch with his dazzling (ornery) smile, with those dimples to die for.

It was over. I was finished. We were going to get married. Plain and simple. I knew it, and I hadn’t even kissed him yet. But, I sure had plans to put my lips on him. And I did. In front of ALL of his friends. I don’t think one person, at his birthday party,  missed our first kiss.

And then came our very brief “dating”. We took Michael and Katy to their skate parties, because going with a super awesome big brother and his girlfriend is WAYYYYY cooler than going with the dreaded parents.

Our first movie date is questionable. We can’t remember if it was Coyote Ugly at the Drive in, or Bring It On at the theater. Neither of us could remember. We didn’t actually care.

I remember walking in front of some strip mall somewhere, and we used to write things on the palm of each other’s hands, with our fingertips, and try to guess what we were spelling.

That was how he told me he loved me, for the first time.

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I remember our first apartment, together. We were insane! We picked one of the most expensive complexes with one of the most expensive layouts we could find, and only lasted about 3 months there. We were 18, and had our 17 and 16-year-old friends move in with us. We all lost or quit our jobs. How does one pay rent and bills without a job? hmmmm….

We moved out.

After that, for Mitch and I, it was a downward spiral with bills and bill collectors, and we were sued once for a car accident, in which  our car insurance company dropped us instead of paying for the other car to be repaired! We were so broke that we nearly lost our shit when we were sued for $1,000. Really? We couldn’t manage that? I worked at mcd’s, he worked at Two Men and a Truck. I think collectively, we made about 36,000 a year. Then, I was put on bedrest, about 2 months before Megan was due. Pregnancy and I didn’t get along. Reason number 1 that we didn’t have more children.

Luckily, the older we got, the better we became with taking care of our bills in a reasonable manner. But, enough about that. Bills and money are boring, when it’s not about winning millions, or earning millions.

Many of you read this each time I post a new blog, some may not, and that’s okay. If this is your fist time reading, It is important to know that my husband was 34 when he died from heart failure. His heart just stopped ticking. Now, you’ll understand the next part of this story.

I have been very busy. I have been to Georgia, near St. Louis, and in Fort Worth and Dallas, TX. That’s just in the last month. I have taken a vow to better health. I have hired a trainer (JRenFitness) and have been trying my damnedest to keep up with the regime. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up, because of my job, but I try. I think I may have overdone it recently, so I am happy to be taking a mini-break. I am planning 3 or 4 more travel weekends soon, for racing. But first, I go to Florida with my family. I am excited to do workouts at the butt-crack of dawn on the beach. It will be our first family vacation, ever.  It’ll be my first time seeing the ocean. It’ll be my first time in Florida. There will be a lot of firsts that Meg and I will do together.

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One thing we will not shy away from? Talking about her dad. I am sure there will be very emotional times, while we are there. I am sure we will laugh. I am sure we will cry. I am sure we will have an amazing time.

We. Are. Still. Alive.

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When I was in the ER for this terrible migraine, they came in to ask me all the questions for billing, and they asked “Is your emergency contact still Mitch Wood at…” and I started crying, and said no. Of course the next question was “marital status, still married?” I said “no, widowed” and kept crying. I didn’t think that qeustion would effect me as it did, but it did. And I was alone in the room with the poor girl taking all of my information.

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Now, it’s weird for me to think of myself as “single” because that word is so much less than what I am. I am not with anyone, anymore, but I am a complicated mess of human emotion. I will never be “normal” again. And that’s okay. Who wants “normal” anyway? “Normal” is overrated.

 

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Our Football Rivalry! Mitch would be proud to know, Megan prefers the Seahawks.

Grieving Publicly 

The moment I wrote Mitch and my love story, days after he passed, is when I decided to make my grief cycle completely open. Public. For those who follow my blog, and know me in person, you know I’m intense, and whatever other words you so desire to use. 
There have been a few people who’ve said,  “you shouldn’t share so much.” 

But, this is who I am. This is what I’ve decided I want to do. This helps ME, and may help others as well. 

With my blogs, I am not looking for acceptance, attention, love, friends, or anything. Instead, I am hoping to help someone, anyone, know, they are not alone. This journey of grieving is different for every person who is thrust upon its path. The one thing we have in common is that NONE of us asked for this, but we got it anyway. 

With my last post, it was questioned as to why I would have wanted to share it. “That’s personal, and not everyone needs to know.” 

No, not everyone needs to know, but there might be some widowed man or widowed woman out there, feeling awful because they are having the same sexual desires. They may need to see that, no, they aren’t the only one going through this. 

Where I grabbed the bull by the horns, others may be too afraid of what comes next. That’s okay. I was afraid of what would happen after, as well. Hell, I messaged my in-laws before posting my last blog, because I didn’t want them to find out through my blog. I hit the send button, and immediately scrubbed in for surgery. I felt like I was going to puke throughout the entire surgery. Maybe I shouldn’t have shared, directly, with them. Maybe it’s okay? My only hopes is that they understand I told them, because I respect them so much, and feel they have a right to know before the world knows. (Or the blogging world) 

So, my story will be open to the public. I am not going to write about every sexual encounter, but that first one was an important part of this story, a chapter that couldn’t be left out. 

Widowhood and Sex after.

I’ve done a lot of reading since Mitch passed. I haven’t been reading books or newspapers. I’ve been reading blogs by many female widows. I was trying to figure out where I fall on the scale of grief and widowhood, and everything. I never agree with any widow, completely. I’ll find myself nodding along then all of a sudden, hard left! I then find myself screaming to these women, in my head, “no! You can’t say that! That’s no way to live!” But, it’s not my life. I just disagree with their thoughts. 

I’ll start with the most recent one I read. Very interesting read, and I was 50/50 agree/disagree with her. She believes that we all only have one soulmate. I believe we have many many soulmates. I believe soulmates are souls you meet through life who compliment each other, or who are drawn to each other. We teach each other, and grow. Some soulmates are for a lifetime, and some are short lived. Mitch was one of my soulmates. We grew, exponentially, together. I liked to believe that I was an independent girl when we got together, but I was not. I was a hot mess. I drank all of the time, partied with some questionable people, and had dropped out of school. He loved me anyway! We grew into politics together. We had the same vast music tastes, but he was the one who found the new music, and would introduce it to me. He taught me how to be ME and not give a damn about what other people thought. This blog I read, said that the next man can have her love, her heart, and everything, but not her soul, because that was only for her deceased husband. That’s not fair. If a man that is that strong, that secure in himself, and that supportive is standing by you, he deserves into your soul as well. Who is to say he isn’t your second soulmate? 

I have read blogs of widows who have zero interest in having sex at all. Young widows. Widows close to my age. I can’t imagine never having sex. That’s not something I’ve ever anticipated. I must just be a horny 34 year old. It is terrible! 

I read one about how a woman went out, sought out a stranger to have a one night stand with. How do you sleep with a stranger? I can’t even imagine! I sought out a friend, a single, unattached friend. What happened happened, and it was good.  Really good. One time, to rid the body of the wanton desire, and step forward. Even though, afterward I wasn’t excited about not doing that again. There came a point where I couldn’t function because all I was thinking about was sex. Like, all fucking day, every day! So bad that the surgeons I work with were asking me if I was okay during surgery, because I was so spacey-brain, daydreaming about having sex! It was embarrassing! So, the second he invited me, I hopped in my car and hightailed it straight to his house. 

Done. 

Do I feel like a whore? No.

 Do I feel like I did something wrong? Absolutely not.

 Did I freak out, or cry afterward? Nope. We even talked about Mitch and the last month of his life. He was a curious one, and I commend his ability to ask the questions he so desired to ask. 

Would this even be discussable if Mitch were still alive? Nope, because it wouldn’t have happened.

 Am I going to tell anyone who I slept with? Nope. Never. He’s my little secret. 

I wanted to tell family and friends, but I know what some feel about this topic. It makes some uncomfortable, and they feel like I’m doing something I shouldn’t. It’s okay. Seriously. This was a physical release that was very much needed. He’s not my boyfriend. There’s no real interest beyond physical, and it’s 99.9% never going to happen again. I am perfectly fine with that. It’s what I asked for from the start. But,  I couldnt look each person in the face and say the words. Each family member, and seeing their eyes judge me for something that isn’t really something to judge me for. There’s no cheating here. There’s nothing going against morals here. There is a scientific, hormonal release here. Easy as that. 

I can’t promise I’d turn him down if he invited me to his place again, but, that’s not my focus. My focus has finally shifted! Sex is off the brain! I have had so much more focus at work, and that’s GREAT! I’ve cleaned my apartment, and all of the laundry! I’m back on top of the game! I’m flirty, but that’s nothing new. I’ve always been flirty. It’s my social strong point. 

I think it’s important to say the things you want or need to say. I think it’s important to not have secrets, from the ones you love and care so deeply for, and even people you are just friends with. I believe it is very important to lay it out there, maybe without so much detail, but enough to get the gist. With that said, if I haven’t said I am interested in you, to your face, it’s because I am not interested in you. And really, that’s everyone. I am not interested in being anyone’s girlfriend, and  I’ve gotten the sex problem out of my system. 

I chatted with one guy from high school, and asked him why the hell he was still single, because he seems to be quite the catch. He lives far away. I told him if he were closer, I probably would have asked him out already. He said he would’ve taken me up on that offer.  Most likely it wouldn’t have gone anywhere, but, I still said it! I also told him he needed to date a woman his own age. 😉

People may find my blunt honesty amusing, encouraging, inspiring, crazy (probably mostly this), or undesirable. I really don’t care. I’m already older than my husband was when he died. And I am only 34 years and 7 months old. I’m 2 months older than he was, when he died.  He didn’t say all the things he wanted to say. He held back, a lot! Now, I’m not going to say hateful things to people, to hurt feelings. I am not, nor have I ever been,  that kind of person.

 I love people. 

I love a strange,  variety of many different kinds of people. 

I want to say, if a woman or a man tells you they think you’re hot, and you are uninterested, just say so. You aren’t going to hurt anyone that bad. Truly! 

Also, if you want something, or are curious about something, JUST ASK! What’s the worst that can happen? Someone says “no”?   “No” only stings for a second, but going on without knowing could be worse than that. 

Live without regrets, friends! 

I have none. 

Something You Can’t Have

Have you ever wanted something, but couldn’t have it? That new car? That big house? That beautiful dress? I know I’ve had my share of things I have wanted and couldn’t have. For instance, I want my husband alive and well, but I can’t have that. I want a few million dollars, but that’s not happening. But, I am okay with these things. I am living. I am doing okay (financially, physically, etc) without these things. Mentally might be another issue.  Ha!

You see, I saw something today, that I wanted. I even touched it. Had it in my arms. I can’t have it. Why is it, the things you want most, you can’t have? I don’t understand. There must be a science to this. It’s okay, though,  because it is just a want, not a need. Right? I won’t die or have a bad life without it. I am doing just fine.

Usually, in the case of wanting something you can’t have, it’s because the price it too high. Maybe that’s the case, here, too? I am unsure. I don’t know what the price would be. I go back and forth about wanting this, too. One day, it’s a yes, absolutely, and the next, I am unsure.

I had gotten to a point where I didn’t want it, at all. Then BAM it was in my face, today. Right there, in front of me. And son-of-a-bitch, my wanting slammed back on, and in full gear, like, “how do I GET this? How do I make this MINE?”

I don’t. I just sit back, on my hands, and leave it be. I let it go, and move forward. I have so much to focus on, right now, that it’s ridiculous to want something that would take up so much time, and energy. No matter  how much fun it would be to have it!

So I stop. I let the idea go, and pour myself a glass of wine, and write about it. Why? Because, writing is my outlet. It makes me understand me, better. Sounds strange, right? Well, I never said I was normal.

 

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Happy Anniversary to… Me? Us?

Today would have been our 14 year anniversary. We made it “till death do we part” and that’s amazing, this day in age.

I think about you, all the time. I see you frown and shake your head when I allow Megan to watch something incredibly inappropriate, or when I send that text message with too much information, or whatever.

I see you get irritated when Meg says “douche bag!” and I laugh. I hear you telling Megan to “be a wall” and “too many balls are getting past you!” “DIG!” “SLIDE!” I see the pride on your face and in your heart when Meg remembers to run on that third strike/dropped ball. She did that twice tonight. She was AMAZING! She wore you around her neck, even though jewelry isn’t allowed. She told me, “Mommy, I hear him, in my head, telling me to be a wall.  He makes me do better!”

I hear you laughing at me because I am crying right now.

I hear your eyes roll, and I see your head shaking when I talk to Megan about dating, and she tells me her stipulations. “Now, Mom. You can’t date anyone who has kids, or anyone who wants to have kids. I seriously don’t want siblings! Oh, and you should probably wait 2, or 3… or maybe 4 years to start dating again.” She is amazing. I love her so very much, but SHE’S CRAZY! ❤

She also thinks the guys I find attractive are “Ew! MOM!” We do not have the same taste in the opposite sex. But, she agrees that you were a good lookin guy. When Joel told her she looked just like you, she said “Thanks! My dad was a good looking guy!” That’s damn skippy! I am a shallow person, when it comes to looks, and you know it. Your looks are what caught my eye, first. Your looks made me want to know YOU. Then I got to know you, and that was it! Looks, manners, brain, sense of humor. EVERYTHING!

How lucky was I?!

I remember when you would always compare us to TV show couples, like The UPS guy and Leah, whatever her name is, from that show I can’t remember the name of.

You always told me how hot I was. I never believed you. I never cared what anyone else thought of me. I still don’t really care, what they think, but, I am curious. Wanting to know and caring is 2 different things, right?

People tell me, “Mitch is with you all of the time, and he is watching.” And they mean it to be comforting, I know. But, I so hope you close your eyes, and avoid certain things. Like my shopping issues, and when I am in the midst of my newest addiction.

Oh My Gawd! I wanted to tell you how stupid we were! All those years we were buying and using condoms as birth control, I could have been getting birth control pills FREE! Seriously?! We wasted so much money on condoms! We were so dumb! haha!

Today, when I got to work, my friend, and coworker hugged me. I good hug. A long hug. I cried a bit. I miss you! Even though I am seriously wanting to have sex, I miss your person. I miss your presence. I know people judge, because I am so open, and honest, and I seriously don’t care what they think, but I know I am being judged. “Her husband just died! How is she thinking about having sex with someone else?!”

Really? I. Am. Human.

I. Have. Needs. Too.

Just because I want to get down with someone, doesn’t mean I miss you any less. It doesn’t mean I am OVER you. That’s not how this works. It means I have accepted reality.

You know. If you were here, I wouldn’t be interested in fucking someone else. You aren’t here, to give me what I need. And that’s okay! This is how it’s supposed to be, or it wouldn’t be. I am not religious, as you know, but I believe in fate. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I may not know the reason, yet, but it will reveal itself at some point.

Accepting my fate is something I am doing. This is MY life.

THIS is what I am working with. I love you, still, but in a way that is forever. I love our memories. I love how inspirational our marriage was. I love how people looked up to us, and respected our opinions. I love how no one knew when we were having any kind of issues. I love that we ALWAYS worked our issues out, and said FTW!

I am sexually interested in someone, and he knows. He is also interested in me. No one knows who he is, and that’s okay. I am not sharing that information.  I have been told by 4 men that I am a special breed. don’t worry. I am not falling for it all. I am taking the compliment for what it is:

I am STRONG.

I am INDEPENDENT.

I am FUN!

I am AMAZING!

I am BEAUTIFUL!

I am SEXY!

I am an inspiration!

I am everything you ever told me I was. I am sorry I didn’t believe you when you were here.

I should have.

I should have come out of my shell with you. I should have quit being a little bitch and just believed you!

I miss you, and I love you dearly. Unfortunately, you are no longer here to make the aching stop. I will figure it out. The aching will become dull, and I will become happy again. I mean, I am happy in all areas except that you aren’t here.

I mean, people look at me crazy when I tell them that you would have rather NOT had the hospital  bills that are associated with heart problems.

I bit my tongue for so long, and I know you would rather be here with us, than not, but, if you had a choice between the ridiculously high hospital bills and no hospital bills, you would have chosen the latter. Really though, when I tell people that, I swear their eyes cross!

OH! and, babe, My credit had soared! It’s almost to “FAIR”! lol!! almost. but not quite.

I know you hated that I worried so deeply about my credit score. I don’t even know why it was such a bother, before you passed. But it irritated the hell out of me!

 

I love you. Happy Anniversary Mitchell John  Wood.

I will always think of you, and love you. And if any guy wants to be with me, he will get on board! I’m not giving up my blog, and I am not giving up my story!  It’s too important, to NOT share!

Love you, Always,

Tabbie